7 Things Porn Stars are Sick of Hearing

Porn. Love it or hate it, for the most part there is still a whole lot of misinformation and bullshit that surrounds the industry and the people who work in it, and it can be incredibly exasperating, not to mention mentally draining and/or damaging, having to constantly explain yourself to people demanding you justify your existence to them. Sure, being curious and asking questions is normal when you meet someone who works in a field that’s deemed “unusual” or “taboo”, and men & women who work as adult performers are very used to being in a fishbowl when it comes to people discovering what it is they do for a living. But that doesn’t mean all questions directed at them are valid, nor do they owe you an answer if they don’t want to give one. Here are a few things to avoid saying if you do happen to be lucky enough to meet a porn star and get a chunk of their time.

Porn Sex Isn't Real Sex

This is an interesting one because on the surface, especially if you’re looking at it from a sex education perspective, it’s a way to explain that what you see in pornography isn’t necessarily what you get in “real life” sex, but, to be perfectly frank, there are better ways to explain it rather than dismissing the very real work and professionalism that goes into a production. The thing is yes, porn sex is stylised and choreographed and created for a visual perspective, but that doesn’t mean it’s not “real”. In exactly the same way professional wrestling is stylised and choreographed for visual entertainment but is still actual, physical, highly skilled work, so too is pornography. The sex is indeed real, it’s just been made shiny and pretty like the picture of your burger on the menu compared to the weird-looking mess that comes in the box (pun totally unintended but I’m owning it).

You'll Regret It/It Will Damage Your Future Career Prospects

When it comes to the shame and denigration of sex workers the majority of them will agree that most people have it backwards. That’s because it’s not the work or the experiences that are shameful or regrettable, but more the attitude and overall distaste thrown at them (and the sex industry in general) that creates the stigma and judgement, which can then manifest into internalised regret and shame for no other reason but peer pressure, and projected morals. Think of it a bit like that kid who wears their absolutely favourite jumper to school and is teased mercilessly because it’s some weird, mismatched home-knitted design, and goes home in tears, hating the jumper and themselves and feeling ashamed they ever thought it was cool. Just as research shows “abortion regret and shame” is a direct result of public attitudes and is virtually non-existent in places where it is treated as a basic and necessary medical procedure, so too in areas where sex and sex work are seen as normal human behaviours and legitimate ways to monetise labour there are far less instances of regret and far more happy, healthy, sex-positive people living their lives and saving “regret” for more valid things, like 2am drunken internet purchases and high school hairstyles.

What If Your Future Kids/Grandkids See It?

Look, we all know our parents and grandparents have never done anything so gross as to have sex. Ew! Sex is for young people and people not related to us in any way. The mortifying brain spasm you have when you accidentally walk in on your parents is pretty universal (as is the same but opposite brain spasm you get being the parent who has been walked in on), and yes, I can imagine finding out your parents or grandparents had done the deed on film would bring up the same “omg no ew stop” emotions, but really that’s all it should be. Having healthy, mature, ongoing conversations with your kids about sex, as well as teaching them to understand sex as labour is as valid a job as any, is the first step in breaking down the stigma that surrounds all sex, and is a great way to start raising future generations on a foundation of respect, autonomy, and letting people do their damn jobs safely and professionally. Okay, sure, if kids are actively seeking out pornography they know their parents are in then yeah, that’s possibly a bit weird and maybe y’all should go talk to someone, but with healthy attitudes towards sex and sex work, the possible discovery of your (or anyone’s) past shouldn't be cause for any more distress or anxiety (or damaging ramifications to their life) than the possibility of accidentally catching someone in the act at home. 

Porn Actors Are Diseased

This is about as bullshit as it gets when we’re talking misinformation and lies about the adult industry. It is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% proven to be completely untrue. In fact, sex workers (from the street corner to the multi-million dollar production house) are the demographic which records the lowest instances of STIs in any demographic of sexually active people. This is basically because sex is their job. They know the risks and the ways to minimise them. Just like a musician looks after their instruments and a tradie their tools so too does a sex worker look after their work equipment, which includes their bodies. Regular STI testing is part of their work as is making sure those around them are safe and protected too. While of course things can happen and accidents are unfortunately an inevitable part of any job, it is actually far more likely that an accident on a porn set has more to do with bodies clashing or beds etc breaking than any sort of infection taking place. And, just quietly, your assumption that people who work in sex are somehow unaware or uninterested in their own (and others’) health and safety says far more about you and what you think about sex and the risks and responsibilities involved than it does about anyone who chooses a career in porn.

What If You Want To Get Married One Day?

Then I’ll put on a gorgeous dress or suit, gather all my friends and family in the one spot, and get married. Thanks for playing.

I mean come on, if someone doesn’t love and accept every single part of you, regardless of what it is, then they're not worth marrying. Next! 

You're Damaging To Children And Young People

No, lack of proper sex education and conversations surrounding sex, consent, stigma, and personal autonomy are damaging to children and young people. The thing is (and I really don’t know how many times I have to say this) porn is not made for children. I know! Shock right! Porn is made for adults and, as adults, parents and caregivers to the younger generations, it is our responsibility to educate our young people about the world around us. That includes explaining things like why they can’t drink beer but mum and dad can, why it’s okay for Coyote to drop an anvil onto the Roadrunner but throwing a mug at their little brother isn’t cool, and, yes, what sex is all about. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly, which includes conversations about porn and real-life sex and the very many differences between the two. Sure, a lot of porn can be pretty full on for a developing brain to handle and understand, but you could say exactly the same about alcohol, or horror movies, or violent video games. Education is the key, not prohibition.

Porn Is Exploitation Of Women

It can be, yes. This is something many, many porn actors are aware of and actively speak out against and fight back against by creating their own, ethical, feminist pornography studios and productions, and by creating safe, respectful, professional spaces where incredible erotic films (and let’s face it, some good ol’ down n dirty smut) can be made. If you really do care about the “exploitation of women” and aren’t just using it to further your “ew sex is icky and paid for sex is even ickier” agenda then the best thing you can do in your “activism” is purchase ethical pornography directly from ethical producers and the performers themselves rather than mass downloading from free sites which are notorious for stealing content, underpaying performers, and generally exploiting the industry for personal gain. You can do this in so many different ways from sponsoring someone on their little OnlyFans pocket of the internet, to paying for high-end production house pornography films made by reputable feminist film companies (do your research. There are heaps!). 

Here’s the thing. Working in porn is a job and should be treated the same as any other job in the world. Its workers should be confident that the conditions they are working under are safe and protected and that, at the end of the day, they can do what most of us do every day after work. Go home, pay rent, enjoy their friends and family, and not have to worry that some ignorant pearl-clutcher will try to destroy their lives or livelihoods under the false impression that their own personal moral compass is somehow relevant to how another person lives their life. News flash: It’s not. It’s weird and invasive and as ridiculous as getting upset that your neighbour bought milk when you’re lactose intolerant. Yeah… Don’t be a dick. Sex work is work and pay for your porn.