Modern dating culture has evolved – and I love it. Now that online adult dating is an acceptable way to meet people, my friends and I spend our time together sharing our weekend escapades and critiquing each other’s profiles. We’re lucky to live in a country that’s more openminded, adventurous and sex-positive than ever before.
So, when I write about hook-ups, it feels obvious to say, “It’s okay to have sex on the first date.” We no longer think that sex outside marriage is wrong. Surely everyone understands that this stuff isn’t something we need to be ashamed of, and that indulging our urges is perfectly normal?
Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Even when it seems obvious, our outdated social standards can still get in the way of our sex lives.
I remember bringing someone home who said, “I don’t normally do this. I don’t want you to think I’m a player.” And I have friends who ask me, “What if the guy I’m seeing thinks I’m not good enough for a serious relationship, because I had sex with him too soon?” It seems that even when we know what we want, we still worry about being judged. Even though many of us are hooking up regularly, we’re not as progressive as we like to think.
Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages to waiting to have sex. Here are a few of my reasons:
- Sometimes I’m looking for a more emotional connection. Connected sex sometimes means taking some time to get to know someone – and when I do put that effort in, I often find that the sex is better.
- Waiting to take someone home means I have more of an opportunity to work out whether they’re an asshole. People often don’t show their true colours until the second or third date!
- I value good company and friendship – and I like to shag people who won’t ghost me the next day. Hanging out with a date a few times before we sleep together allows me to make sure that they want the same. If they expect sex but don’t want to be friends, I can politely end things before all the effort of getting naked.
But having sex sooner is can also be a great idea:
- It allows me to work out whether we’re sexually compatible. This can save a lot of wasted time pursuing someone who isn’t right.
- Sometimes I just want to get laid, without seeing that person again. There’s nothing wrong with a one-night stand, if you’re being honest.
- Instant gratification can be fun. It’s seen as a vice, but it’s not – we all have a right to enjoy ourselves, as long as we’re treating our partners with respect.
- It won’t make a difference to your long-term relationship prospects…unless your date has a bad attitude. A one-night stand is just as likely to lead to a relationship as any other sort of meeting, if you’re right for each other. Anyone who rejects you as a partner simply because you slept with them too ‘quickly’ is sex-negative and should probably be avoided!
There’s no ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ about fucking on the first date. Sex isn’t a moral issue; it’s personal. The difficult decision is working out what’s right for you. Ask yourself:
“How am I feeling about this person? Is there a connection?”
“Do I feel safe? Or do I feel pressured?”
“Do I prefer instant gratification, or a slow build-up?”
“Has sex on the first date worked for me in the past?”
There’s no rule, and nobody should be judged for their choices. Want to jump into bed with a hottie you just met? Go for it. Prefer to wait and don’t want to be pressured? That’s okay too. The sooner we accept everyone’s individual choices, the sooner we can get on with getting it on, without worrying about whether we’re doing the ‘right’ thing.
It’s okay to have sex on the first date – if you want. But above all, you need to make the decision for yourself.