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Guys, here’s an oft-forgotten sex secret of the universe: The more emotionally intelligent, honest and open you are with your partner – the more sex you’ll get.
Why? The most powerful sexual organ is the brain and women’s are hardwired differently to yours – many of us need to feel emotionally and physically safe in order to enjoy our best orgasms, or indeed to experience one at all. It’s science, baby.
So, if you can learn to be genuinely emotionally available to your partner, she will reward you no end in the bedroom, says Melbourne men’s relationship coach, psychotherapist and qigong teacher Jared Osborne. Jared, who runs Embodying Man is passionate about educating men on how to harness their sexual vitality for health, potency and improved relationships.
“A common complaint I hear from women is ‘he doesn’t express his emotions or let me know how he feels’,” Jared says. “A big part of a guy not being able to express his emotions is often due to him not feeling safe to do it, whether he’s been judged by other men or partners, or he’s simply reacting to cultural misconceptions about how it’s not OK to do it.
“And boys mature a bit later, so there’s this delay, and you’re hanging out with girls who are emotionally stronger and more robust and more forceful and so a lot of boys learn to ‘pull back, shut down’. Some men never unlearn this behaviour.
“The way I see it is that while men are usually physically stronger than women, emotions are a stronger force in women – it doesn’t mean that women are necessarily more emotionally balanced or wiser, but they find it harder to ignore their emotions. And because men don’t have as much force behind our emotions, we can shut them down. It’s not healthy for us, but we can push them aside.
“For a lot of guys, it’s hard to be emotionally vulnerable. In the work that I do, I hear a lot of women say: ‘We have an intimate connection, but he doesn’t open up, he doesn’t talk about things.’ And at the same time, often women don’t know how to create a space where he feels safe to communicate.”
So, how can a man learn to be more open-hearted and communicative? “It starts with guys being more honest with what they’re feeling,” Jared says. “If someone is really insecure inside, but has learnt how to present themselves as being really confident, your immediate sense is ‘I don’t quite trust her/him’. You can feel it.
“Being honest with their feelings allows guys to be a lot less reactive. If a guy is not acknowledging something going on, or he’s feeling insecure or sad or afraid – that emotional button can be easily pressed and easily fired up and come out of something destructive.
“A guy can actually come across as being more confident, when he can openly express his struggle with confidence. You can open up a deeper sense of connection and intimacy with a new or existing partner by just being emotionally honest.”
So, take it straight from your ultimate wingman, guys – here are Jared’s top five sex tips:
1. Ask direct ‘feeling questions’: Jared strongly recommends men look outside themselves to be genuinely interested in what their partners are feeling about movies, books, life, sex, whatever – and them, of course. “Be really curious about your partner – be willing to ask those direct feeling questions,” he says. “This is much more in tune with how most women naturally communicate. By being able to communicate what he is feeling, a man can put his partner in a really good feeling frame of mind for sex. And asking those feeling questions can actually cut to the chase much quicker, rather than a guy going on two or three dates and not knowing how she really feels and it all turns to shit.”
2. Be prepared to take risks: Everyone’s scared of rejection, but owning this fear opens you up to better intimacy, sex and relationships. “Being open-hearted means being willing to get an answer you don’t like,” Jared says. “The risk for a guy in asking a woman: ‘How are you feeling about me?’ is her saying ‘I’m feeling really creeped out by you.’ This is a worst-case scenario. I always tell guys – if that is the case, you’re far better off knowing that ASAP and jumping back on Adult Match Maker straight away!” Jared says boldness and emotional honesty always open bedroom doors. “Sometimes, you’ll experience something on a date that’s not that good, whether it’s a movie or a restaurant. Being able to engage on that honest and open level and saying: ‘Wow, that was really crap, or that felt really off,’ names the experience and is really powerful – it helps everyone to relax.”
3. Don’t take everything personally: This is a hell of a lot easier said than done, but it’s a vital dating and relationships mindset which will help safeguard you against rejection, Jared says. “I tell my clients to be really clear about this – it’s not about you. Whatever reaction your partner has, it’s not about you. I tell them: ‘Even if it’s about something I did, it’s still not about me’. It’s their triggers and their stuff – a different person will react differently. It doesn’t mean you can’t glean fundamental information. Ask yourself: ‘What’s happened for them?’ Step back and establish some separation between you and them.” Not taking things personally requires maturity and perspective, not to mention a strong self-esteem and self-confidence, he says. Remember: we’re all different. You may not be someone’s cup of tea, but you’ll be like the world’s finest champagne to another, more compatible partner.
4. Get to know her cycle: Does your new sex or relationships partner always reject you sexually for one-to-two weeks out of every month? Catch on, buddy. “If a woman rejects a man’s sexual advances, it might just be completely the wrong time in her menstrual cycle,” Jared says. “I am always constantly surprised by the large number of men who don’t make the leap between a woman’s cycle and her libido! It’s hugely significant. Instead of taking it personally, men need to make that logical link. ‘Oh hang on, every time five days before she bleeds, she’s completely disinterested in sex’, for example. Every woman is different, some women get really horny right before they bleed. Generally, most women will be more amorous around the time she’s ovulating.” Jared’s top advice is to download a period-tracking app onto your mobile phone, stat! It’s an act of kindness and necessity for yourself – and her. “I advise all my clients to do this. Keeping track of your partner’s period is one of the most powerful and useful sex and relationships tools there is! Then, you always know where your partner is at. You can even take notes about when she’s horny, for example.”
5. Keep mastering your emotions: It’s crucial that men continue to fine-tune their emotional intelligence, Jared says. “Keep your attention on yourself and what you’re feeling. Be honest about it. When we’re actually in touch with what we’re feeling, someone else can feel us a lot more easily. What women really want is to feel us. If a woman can’t feel you, she doesn’t trust you and chances are she’s not going to have sex with you. Guys are like that too, but to a lesser degree. If a guy can stay in touch with what he is feeling, he’ll be able to connect to his partner a lot more effortlessly and trust will be a lot easier to establish. For a lot of guys I work with, their attention is all over her tits and her arse. It’s that sense of why would she come to you for your sexual energy, when it’s all over her already?”
Jared’s bonus pointer is that men and women should set high standards for sex. “There’s a massive difference between sex when she does not really want it (aka the mercy fuck) and sex when she is just begging you to be inside of her. Make a standard – it creates a completely different energy,” he enthuses.
“It’s better to masturbate then coerce her into sex. It can change the whole dynamic of a relationship because then a man has something really valuable. It doesn’t always have to be absolutely top-shelf sex, but the whole experience is much better when you’re both feeling it. It’s far more satisfying, pleasing and enjoyable. I’ve rarely seen the mercy fuck be a good outcome for a relationship and it’s bad for a guy’s self-confidence, energy and a whole bunch of things. It’s really draining and exhausting.”
So, how can you strive to be more emotionally intelligent? Fine tuning your emotional intelligence is possible and you’ll reap the rewards – hello, more orgasms!