Condoms are one of the most revolutionary sexual products in the world, allowing for the sexual liberation of humans and the safety of our bodies while we do so. So what are so many people getting wrong about them?
I know, I know… Yáll have ten inch cocks and so you need the super big size, and you know the girl at the checkout is totally noticing you bought them too and now she wants you real bad…
Yeah, nah. Let me tell you something, you don’t, and she really doesn’t care, and your ego can likely get you into all sorts of trouble. By trouble I mean if you’re wearing a super large condom and you don’t need to, it will probably slip off during sex. That opens both you and your partner up to unwanted disease and pregnancy and is really dumb. Condoms are supposed to be tight. They need to be. If you feel it is too tight and uncomfortably rubbing against you, before upgrading to a larger size, try a small amount of lube inside it. This can really really help (I have men tell me this all the time and I’ve seen it in effect myself) and is recommended by most sex therapists and doctors I know.
Latex and rubber sensitivities are more common than people realise and quite often people mistake the pain, discomfort or other symptoms for something else. For example I have a friend who was convinced the lube she was using was burning her. She tried a few different brands, the most natural, chemical-free ones she could, but it never made any difference. I asked her if she’d tried getting her partners to wear latex-free condoms to see if that helped… And lo and behold, she now has all the sex she wants with absolutely no burning or discomfort whatsoever. Sex should always feel good, so if it doesn’t it’s important to reassess what you’re doing and the products you’re using to see if it’s something like that. Latex free condoms are becoming far more popular these days, and, for the socially conscious of us out there, often have far less environmental impact than the other sorts too.
Distracting From The Moment
How sexy is not getting pregnant or infected with disease!? I know right! It’s WAY sexy and should be a majorly important part of all sex… This is why I believe condoms should be part of foreplay… Not an interruption to it. The minute we start looking at condoms positively and as something that helps us be as sexy and as free as we like, the minute they stop being something annoying and off-putting, and start being as vital to the sexiness as kissing! Look through our awesome condom positivity guide to get some great tips on how to incorporate them into your sexy time so you don’t break the mood, or your health!
Putting On Wrong
There is actually a very specific way of putting on condoms that, luckily, when I was at school, was part of the sex education curriculum, but that has since faded into obscurity in many schools due to the backlash of parents (don’t get me started on current state of sex education in schools… Seriously). Basically you unwrap it (do NOT unroll) place the tip at the top of your penis, SQUEEZE THE TIP to get any excess air out and roll ALL THE WAY DOWN! If you don’t squeeze the tip you have the possibility of it filling with air and slipping off (especially at the vital moment). If you don’t roll it all the way down there is the possibility of it rolling back up and off. Do NOT unroll the whole thing and then try and put it on like a sock (trust me I have seen young men do this). As mentioned above, pop a little bit of lube on the head of your penis before rolling down. This can help stop friction rubbing of the material against your skin. Don’t use too much, just enough to make it a bit shiny.
Keeping Them Too Long or Storing Them Incorrectly
That condom you have in your wallet… You know the one… You bought it in 2010 in the men’s room at the pub because you were sure you were gonna get some that night… Yeah, that one... Chuck. It. Out! Condoms have use-by-dates and you should absolutely adhere to them. You know that pack you bought a few months ago… That’s probably still in use-by… But that’s been sitting in your glove-box in your car… Your car that sits parked in the sun… Getting warmer and warmer all day…? Yeah I’d chuck them out too. Heat, even in a glove-box and not directly in the sun, can degrade the materials in condoms to be weaker and ineffective in stopping things getting through. Always keep condoms in dark, cool areas out of direct sunlight. If you do have one in your wallet, it’s a good idea to change it regularly and make sure the packaging isn’t damaged by loose coins or your keys etc.
Forgetting To Change Them
It seems obvious, but in all my years of having sex I have come across this too often so I definitely feel I need to mention it here. Once you have ejaculated, no matter how hard you still are, or how much you’d like to keep going, you NEED TO REMOVE IT AND PUT ON A NEW ONE! Seriously! Having sex with an overfilled condom is a dangerous exercise in stopping the condom from doing its job. Once it is full it will start to leak, and the excess liquid inside will cause the condom to slip off, leaving your partner to go on a not-so-nice fishing expedition in a sea of gloop (yeah, it’s gross). Another important time to change the condom is when you’re going from anal to vaginal sex. The bacteria in the anal passage will do all sorts of yucky damage to the delicate pH balances in a vagina and cause all sorts of medical problems. It’s really not worth it.
Not Wearing One
This, to me, is the biggest mistake people make with condoms. The not wearing one, or the complaining about having to. You know what, mate? Suck it up. If it’s not on it’s not on. I will never understand the tantrum-y foot-stomping I have seen from grown men asked to glove up to protect themselves and their partners. To me it should be a matter of “Ooh she wants to fuck me!! How lucky am I!?” Not some strange chore you feel forced into doing. Seriously, the best way to stop me from having sex with you is to make a fuss about safety, and most women I know are the same. If you’re experiencing discomfort from condoms experiment with new brands, new materials, lubes and sizes. Some condoms are made from ultra-thin materials so you don’t lose too much sensation and, like I say to almost anyone who complains to me about wearing one, the slight lack of sensitivity you may feel from wearing a condom is NOTHING compared to the feeling of pissing out of a syphilitic cock… So seriously, put it on before you put it in and everyone will benefit!
I also think, in the wake of 2017 and the rise in awareness over the horrible practice of stealthing - removing the condom without the consent or awareness of the person you are having sex with - I need to reiterate just how fucked up that is. It is not only dangerous to both your health, it is a direct violation of the consent you have been given and therefore turns it into a form of sexual assault which is disgusting and illegal and, thankfully, finally starting to be recognised and prosecuted as such. Just don’t do it. If you are the sort of person who is so adamant about not wearing one that you will lie and put your partner at risk… Then I hope the full force of the law hits you… Or, you know, find someone to fuck who is okay with bareback.