Consent is as simple as FRIES
Consent. It's such a weirdly loaded word these days and it shouldn't be. Somehow we've (okay, not all of us, but definitely the pearl-clutchers and those who like to deliberately confuse situations) got it in our heads that the word "consent" is purely about sex, and therefore any mention of it, especially around children, is inappropriate and must be stopped immediately.
In its most basic of definitions, consent pretty much means to "give permission", and we can absolutely teach children how to give permission about things that pertain to them. Regardless if someone wants to share some of their lunch, borrow a pencil, or hug them, they should have the right, and the words, to say yes or no and be comfortable and confident in their choice.
In my opinion, if we DID teach this stuff from an early age, by the time we got to the conversations on "sexual consent" the base concepts would already be there and we wouldn't have as many adults as we do just learning about things like informed consent and bodily autonomy, while other adults try and confuse the situation with weird milkshake videos and convoluted explanations.
Another thing we've noticed is that when we talk about consent, many people assume we're just talking to men, and, while yes there are some issues out there with some men and their interpretations of consent, this absolutely goes for women too. In fact some of the most pushy and uncomfortable moments I've had (especially at sex parties) have been from women not taking "no" for an answer. There seems to be an air of "I'm not a predator, I'm a chick!" or something, where a "no" is brushed off and giggled at, with their coercion reminiscent of the things many of us escaped from when we left the mean girls at high school. It can be a really triggering experience for many people, and while writing this and talking to some friends, I found I wasn't the only woman who had encountered these moments at parties.
So please know this blog, and the lesson contained within, is, like consent, for everyone at all times.
Like consent, this lesson is actually really simple. It's taken away all of the fluff and the ifs and buts and other things people try and make consent about and has just laid it out using a succinct and easy to remember acronym of FRIES.
FRIES stands for Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific, and pretty much covers everything you need to know about consent. Especially sexual consent.
Let's break them down here.
Consent is Freely Given
This means someone has consented freely, without coercion or manipulation in any way, and it includes things like if someone is under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I'm not necessarily talking about if you and your partner are drunk or high and trying out new things (although consent is absolutely a part of all relationships and is just as important between couples) but when you're meeting new people, and just starting out on your journey together, being a little more "in your head" and making sure you have these conversations before you get too fucked up, is really important.
Consent is Reversible
This is exactly what it sounds like. It doesn't matter how many times you've played before. It doesn't matter how many people you've played with. It doesn't matter if you just did it ten minutes ago. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of doing it.
Consent is reversible at any stage, and if someone withdraws their consent you must stop immediately.
Check in. Make sure they're okay. Have a break. Have a chat. Go get some ice cream. People change their minds for all sorts of reasons and that's absolutely their right, and stopping is your responsibility.
Consent is Informed
Informed consent is not a new thing, the term is used in medical practices all the time and is a way of making sure someone knows exactly what they are consenting to, and that they understand all of the information they have been given. When it comes to sex it's exactly the same. Asking someone to have sex with you, but not disclosing that to you "sex" includes anal sex, can mean that when it comes to the crunch, they have not properly consented to that particular thing and, if ignored, could lead to a whole lot of trouble. Informed consent can alo be withdrawn at any time so even if at the beginning they're all "ooh yeah I totally wanna do that thing" and then half an hour later they decide that that thing isn't actually something they want to do just then, they have every right to stop, and you have the very real responsibility of stopping as well.
Consent is Enthusiastic
Again. This is exactly what it sounds like. Consent must be enthusiastic.
If you ask someone to do something and they say no, or hesitate, or seem a little unsure, then this is when you stop asking, or ask them for proper clarification. While the old saying "No Means No" has some merit, it doesn't take into account all the things people say that aren't necessarily the word "no" but are probably not a "yes". An "um", a "maybe", a hesitation... anything that isnt an "omg yes please!" should be taken as a no.
While it's not cool to keep pushing after a no or an answer you're not sure of, it's totally good form to (once stopped) ask them if they're okay and did they want to stop. The thing is, someone who murmured and meant yes will absolutely give you a proper yes if you ask for clarification, but there's no telling what the outcome could be if someone who murmured meaning no isn't listened to or respected. That situation could be anything from uncomfortable to downright criminal and life changing so just be aware of your partner's cues.
Consent is Specific
This means that consent for one thing doesn't necessarily mean consent for anything else BUT that one thing.
Saying yes to oral doesn't mean it's a yes for sex. A yes to sex isn't a yes to anal. And a yes to yesterday isn't a yes for today.
Every time you play and everything you do within that playtime needs it’s own consent, and then there are things within those specific actions that also have consent come into play.
Condoms for example. If someone has consented to have sex with someone wearing a condom, and then that person removes the condom without the other knowing, that is a form of sexual assault (called stealthing) and can have some pretty severe consequences.
Secretly filming or recording someone who has consented to have sex but not to be filmed is also illegal, as is sending those videos to anyone else. Even if both parties have consented to the sex and the filming, if someone hasn't consented to view them, don't send them! That's also illegal.
So there you have it.
Sex FRIES! Consent made easy and delicious. Just like Maccas fries... But with far more reward at the end of the day.
1 comment
phoenix1323
More than a month agoToo many times people ignore consent. This is something needed to learn about from a young age. Love the article.
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