Threesomes with Friends: Possibly Good, Potentially Bad, and Perhaps Kinda Awkward

Here at Adult Match Maker we love a good threesome (or foursome, or moresome!). It doesn’t matter the dynamics, as long as everyone has given consent and is having fun then we say go for it! Of course we also understand that, for a lot of people, finding that third player to join you in the bedroom can be a bit of a tricky task and, while there are ways to maximise your chances of finding group sex playmates, it is often down to pure luck more than anything else.

One way to expand the pool of playmates is to look a little more locally, in your own backyard so to speak, and test the waters with your friendship group.

While yes, we do understand (from personal and anecdotal experience) that playing with friends can sometimes be an experiment fraught with danger and emotional turmoil, and unfortunately it’s something that you probably won’t find out until afterwards, but with the right people, and the right experiences it can also be an excellent way to find regular sexy-time friends and add a whole new dimension to your friendship group.

So How Do You Go About It?

First you and your partner need to have a conversation. Are you seasoned players? Is it your first time? What do you want the experience to be like? What gender/s do you want to play with? Do you do it at home? Go to neutral ground? Have you already got a person in mind? Has this person ever expressed any interest in swinging or playing and have they ever expressed they’d want it to be with you? These are all really important questions to ask each other and discuss together before you go approaching anyone, and you both need to be in absolute agreement on these terms or someone is going to end up having a really bad time.

The second thing you need to do is approach your potential playmate and ask them if it’s something they might be interested in doing. This is often easier for couples who are “out” as swingers in their friendship groups just because it won’t come as too much of a surprise if you do bring it up. If you’re not “out” then it can be a little bit harder, but not impossible.

One on One

While yes, this is an experience for a couple, it can often be far easier and less awkward if, for the initial conversation with your potential third, it is had with just one of you, and for them to be of the same gender. The reasoning behind this is simple. Firstly a one on one conversation is less confrontational for the person being asked. It can be a lot harder for someone to exercise their proper informed consent if there are two excited people they really quite like asking them to do something, and they may possibly agree to things they’re not really all that sure of just so they don’t disappoint you. The other part of that “one on one” bit is that if you are asking a woman friend it is far better for the female partner to initially approach them, and vice versa for a male. This is for a few reasons, but mainly it is to put the potential playmate at ease that they are welcome by what can often come across “competition”. As most swingers know, there IS no “competition”, but it will absolutely ease the mind of your friend, and allow them to feel like they are welcomed and not just put up with, by the person they share a gender with.

What If They Say No?

Then they say no. Thank them and order another drink and make plans that don’t involve sexy time. Don’t try and convince them or push it. That’s taking away their right to consent and is a really shitty thing to do. Another thing not to do is make jokes or fun at their expense at a later date… You know, you’re at a party, and they are there too and you’re all like “Ohhh but look at Phil’s sexy butt… Surely you wanna go there, Sharon!”

No. Sharon said no. Leave her alone. This sort of teasing has the very real potential to lose you a friend and it’s just gross. 

Be aware if they were taken aback a little by your question (or even downright offended as some people can be when asked… Trust me, I’ve been there) they might want to back off from your friendship for a while. Let them. It’s one of the risks you take when doing this, and needs to be calculated into the whole thing. Give them space. Unfortunately not everyone is as open and cool with sex and sexual lifestyles and we have to accept that. 

What If They Say Yes?

Whoopee! Now comes the planning and the expansions on your earlier conversations with your partner. By expansions I mean you now include your friend in the talk. What do they want? What do they not want. What are their biggest concerns? 

This really doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation at all. Keep it light. Keep it fun. You don’t need to be explicit in any way either, but it’s important for certain boundaries to be discussed. The safe sex conversation is vitally important (please don’t forgo safe sex just cos it’s with a mate) Is it okay if they kiss your partner? Are they okay with any same sex action? Are you? 

Don’t try and plan the event to a T, you don’t need to work out specifics (and spontaneity is always fun), but work out a rough idea of at least when and where and then take it from there.

The Moment!

I’m not gonna tell you “how to threesome”, that is entirely between the people you’re playing with, but a few key notes to remember.

• Check in often, with all parties. Make sure no-one is feeling left out or uncomfortable.
• Don’t get too wasted on drugs or alcohol (especially not on your first time… future playtimes once you’ve all got to know and understand each other a bit better are a bit different). You need to be completely aware of both your and your playmate's comfort and ability to consent.
• Be ready to stop at any time if someone decides they don’t want to play any more. And by that I don’t mean say okay and let them leave, and then go back to playing with whoever is left. No. If one wants to stop, you all stop.
• Bring snacks. Sex can be hungry work

Afterwards

I think in these instances, the first time playing with friends, it is super important to have a debrief afterwards. Like almost immediately afterwards. The orgasms have been had. The afterglow indulged in. A shower perhaps... And then a sit down, coffee, and chat. It doesn’t have to be too deep or anything. Just an acknowledgement that everyone had fun, that everyone is okay with what happened, and that you’re all still on for Cath’s book club next week. Making normal plans (like book club) after a night of debauchery can actually be a really great way of bringing the friendship back around full circle and making you all feel good about the fact that you’re all still mates. Texting them later again after they’ve left (“Jake and I had a great time, thanks so much. Can’t wait to see you again!”) is another way of letting them know you and your partner are still solid and happy and pleased about how everything went… But don’t become super stalker texter, or send them dirty rude texts or pics unless discussed earlier that this is okay. It could possibly make them feel really uncomfortable, and even used or degraded in some ways. Let the third take the wheel on that as it were, and stick within the boundaries that not only you and your partner have together, but now the ones the three of you have, which all need to be agreed on by all of you.

What If It All Goes Wrong?

Unfortunately this is a real possibility. It just is. Sex with your friends can seem exciting and fun and super sexy… Up until the moment it isn’t, and then it can be devastating. You thought you could handle watching your husband kiss your friend, but now you’re seeing it you really don’t like it, but you don’t know what to say because you don’t want to ruin their moment, and you said it would be okay, and will they think you’re a bitch cos now you’re feeling bad… Or holy fuck his dick is bigger than mine and I don’t know if I’ve ever heard my wife make that sound before and shit, this is horrible I’ll ever be able to play cricket with the boys again because all I’ll be thinking about is my wife on his cock and why the hell did I think this would be a good idea… 

Doubts, jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, all of these are very real feelings that come in any threesome or more tryst, but when it’s a friend it can hit home a lot harder, and have far reaching implications.

If this does happen, the most important thing to do is stop. Stop playing immediately and address it. You don’t have to be rude or aggressive, just “I’m feeling a little uncomfortable, can we stop” is enough to get your point across. Stop. Sit up. Grab a drink. And talk about it. Don’t be accusatory or mean, but lay out what it is that made you feel that way and try and find a way to work around it. It may end up being there is no way, and the evening is over, at least for the sexy time. That is okay. It is far more important to maintain friendships and relationships than it is to get your rocks off and the more open you all are (both at the start and during the entire session) the easier it will be to work through any issues.

It could turn out that the whole night is awesome and you all loved it, but in the days following gets a little awkward with your friend maybe not knowing if they can just call up to say hi, or is it okay if they still hang out with your partner if you’re not there, not even for sex but just hanging out together… This is all totally normal “afterwards” thinking, and again, the best thing to do is talk about it before it happens, acknowledge it MAY happen, and plan for a catch up date in the very near future that has nothing to do with sex, and is just you all getting back to the friendship… This is a great idea even if nothing awkward or bad happens and you all want to play again super soon. Remembering the friendship and taking care of that is as important as you and your partner maintaining your relationship as just the pair of you, and will lead you a stronger, and even closer bond between you all.

Just remember that sex is supposed to be fun, and if you get too bogged down in the details (apart from consent of course… ALWAYS make sure you are fully immersed in that) it can take away from the excitement and pleasure. Have fun, happy threesoming, and may your friendships and sexy time circles always be strong.