Going to a swingers club is a great evening out. You and your partner get to indulge in all manner of sexy times with fun, like-minded people, all in the safety and privacy of a private venue. But, just like every swinger couple has their own set of boundaries and rules, so too does every party or venue. In the same way you should want to find out about a person’s likes and dislikes and limits etc before having sex with them, the same should be the case for swingers clubs because it would suck to turn up only to have a crappy experience because it didn’t cater to what you were looking for, or even be turned away because, for one reason or another, you don’t fit their entry guidelines.
To help you out a little we’ve come up with a list of the most common (and some not so common) rules, and the reasons for them, that you’ll find at clubs and parties in the swinging scene.
No Means No
Although self explanatory it still needs to be said, and is the basis of all sex and sexual play. Be aware that at a swingers party if someone says no it doesn’t necessarily just mean “no I don’t want to have sex with you”, it could also mean “no, I don’t want you wanking next to me while I’m having sex”. Always ask or wait to be asked before you join in any action. As open-minded and sexually liberated as swingers are they still have preferences about who they play with and sliding in uninvited while people are distracted is really bad form.
No Single Guys
This is possibly the most common rule found in swingers parties and there is a really good reason for it. Basically, when you get a party that allows for single guys, it can become a sausage fest with around 80% or more of the attendees being men. Now don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of women out there looking for a hotwife or gang bang experience, however you won’t find them at too many swingers parties (gang bang specific parties are another story), and if you do, they are still very choosy about who they play with. While swinging couples are often on the look out for a Unicorn (a single female swinger) a search on Adult Match Maker will show only about 20% of couples are looking for a single man to join in their fun, so you’ll understand why that rule is in place more often than not. The other reason is that unfortunately many single men at parties behave very badly (yes, we know, not all men) ignoring consent and boundaries and generally making people feel uncomfortable, so in the name of safety and keeping the good vibes going, single men aren’t invited. If you are a single guy, there are parties that do cater for you, you just need to be aware that unless the Party Organiser vets attendees to balance numbers then the odds won’t be in your favour and, again, couples are fussy so you’re going to have to stand out from the crowd.
Parties which allow single guys are often referred to as Players Parties and there are plenty listed in our Event section. But make sure you read Chantelle’s advice on increasing your chances of being invited to play.
And if you’re a single guy and manage to persuade a single female to come along so you can gain entry as a couple be aware that if she leaves, so do you.
No Guys Alone
This is slightly different to the no single guys rule, but works on the same principal. Many clubs put this rule in place in certain parts of the club which basically means if you’re a guy who has gone to the party with your partner you must always be with them in select areas of the venue. Yes you can go to the toilet by yourself or have a cigarette or even maybe sit in a lounge room or wherever, but there will be certain play rooms or areas you cannot go into alone. Again, this is for the comfort and safety of other guests and is because of the unfortunate bad behaviour of some guys - no, not all, but enough for it to be a rule.
Many parties and venues have a bunch of different play areas. There are bedrooms and lounge rooms and spas and bondage rooms and orgy rooms. Again, it just depends on the party you choose as to what sort of spaces and equipment will be available to you, but one thing that is commonly understood is the rules about doors. If you are at a party and you come across a room with a closed door it means “Stay Out”. Do not open the door, do not go in to watch. While you may think this is in conflict with the openness of a swingers party it’s often a way for people to play and enjoy themselves in a controlled group setting with no distractions or unwanted attention or even recognition.
If the door is ajar - as in not clicked shut but not wide open - it means that you are able to go into the room to watch the action, but not to join in. And if there is a chain across the door you can obviously watch from behind the chain. Some people love being watched by strangers but not so much being touched by them. The other rule for this is if you do watch play be quiet. Don’t talk or giggle or gossip or carry on or interrupt (this is especially important in a bdsm scenario but that’s a whole other article).
If the door is wide open it is an invitation to come in and join in. However we need to reiterate that you must ask first. Consent is always key.
Dress Code & Dressing Down
But isn’t everyone just naked and getting it on? Why should rules about clothes matter?
Each party and venue is different and so are their rules about clothes.
Often, and especially at nights that cater to new couples, the start of the party is about mingling and getting to know people. Usually the dress rules are smart, sexy, and casual, and give people a bit of time to ease into the group. Sometimes the rules are for lingerie or sexy costumes, but they usually rarely start the night off in full nudity. There will be a specific time, however, that it is time to “dress down” and this is when people shimmy out of their “meet n greet” clothes into something less. If, by this stage, you don’t feel comfortable dressing down it’s probably the time to leave. Really, there’s not much more disconcerting and uncomfortable at a swingers party than being naked and sexy with fully clothed people wandering around checking you out. It just feels off, and you’ll most likely be asked to leave anyway. Often rooms at the venue will have a “naked only” rule which means exactly what it says. If you want to go into one of these rooms, even if you’re just going in to watch, you need to be naked.
Not all clubs require you to be nude, and not all clubs have super strict clothing rules, so make sure you read up on what’s expected of you fashion-wise before you go.
Although it’s rare to come across a licensed venue that also caters for swinging (the Saints and Sinners Ball in Melbourne is one exception) you are often allowed to BYO drinks and have them put behind a bar, or in the kitchen, labelled with your name so that you can have a few drinks during the night. It’s not uncommon to want to relax a little bit, and a glass of wine can be a great way to gain a bit of extra courage and confidence, but please do not overdo it. And note what you’re allowed to bring, eg. some venues will request that you don’t bring red wine. Bar staff will be RSA qualified and so the normal rules of serving you if you’re drunk will apply.
Drunkenness or being off your face on drugs is not a pleasant thing for others to witness. It is not sexy. It is not endearing. It’s just gross, and annoying, and often leads to all sorts of drama from couples fighting, people vomiting, or even violence. None of that is conducive to a good, sexy night out, so just be aware of how much you’re consuming, and be sensible.
Many parties will also state “no drugs” so please respect their wishes and don’t sneak stuff in. It’s disrespectful and if you’re caught you will probably be asked to leave and you won’t be invited back.
Be Responsible For Your Own Stuff & Respectful of Others
It’s a bit embarrassing having to write this on a blog for adults, but we’ve been to enough parties to know that sometimes adults don’t have the best behaviour and often expect other people to do simple things for them and complain if they don’t.
Condoms, for example. Bring your own! Yes, a party will usually provide them, but they may not be the brand you like, and probably not latex free. The same goes for lube. If it’s provided it most likely will come in annoying little tear packets (annoying, yes, but also the most hygienic way to provide them), so if there is a brand you like and prefer, bring it with you. And it goes without saying – use condoms – stealthing is not something you want to be caught attempting at a swingers party.
Clean up your messes! Seriously. It’s just gross lying down in someone else’s wet spot from half an hour ago. There are towels and wet-wipes provided. Use them!
Always label your stuff. Don’t take anything too valuable. Be aware of where your stuff is being kept (if you’re offered a locker use it). Be an adult and take responsibility for your actions, your items, and your experience. Yes, the hosts have given you a lovely space to play in, so respect it.
No Phones Allowed
While a lot of people at parties are parents and may need to have their phone close by to check on the kids or be available if an emergency arises, the No Phones rule is fairly straightforward and is more about the use of recording devices than the taking of phone calls. Along with consent, privacy and discretion are the cornerstones of swinging and it’s imperative to uphold the anonymity and privacy of attendees. And before you start thinking of spy-camera-ing the night for your own personal clip collection, you should be aware that sneaking pics or videos without consent is a crime and carries hefty fines and even jail time. Don’t risk it. Go buy some porn if you’re that keen for videoed sex.
Screening & Vetting
Not all parties do this, and not all people like parties who do this, but it is becoming a far more popular practise so it’s definitely worth mentioning.
Firstly, most reputable parties will want to talk to the female member of the couple, if not both of you. Mostly to make sure that you are actually a couple and not a single male pretending to be a couple. If you’re a newbie couple they may spend time chatting about what to expect when you arrive and this is your opportunity to ask any questions which haven’t been answered on their Event listing or website.
There are parties where everyone is welcome, regardless of age, hygiene (yes we have to mention it) or your sexual preference. Other parties might advertise that they’re for under 40s or request that you include a photo when you RSVP. Guys, just a note here - they are not looking for a picture of your dick – head and shoulders only. Why do they do it? Well they want to make sure that a. if you claim to be a couple that there are actually two of you; b. that if you claim to be 35 you are closer to 35 than 55 and c. that you look like someone they want to party with. Age bands are often only a guide. If you’re 45 and outside the age brackets for an under 40s party but you’re fun, respectful, can hold a conversation and you have a reputation for being the last one still fucking when the lights go on, chances are you will still get an invite. Also if your partner is over the age bracket specified but you’re under, depending on circumstances and the other confirmed guests, you will possibly get an invite. Most will state they’re not looking for super models, they are looking to put together a guest list of people you will want to party with. So whilst parties which specify age bands are often seen as snobbish they do serve a purpose. Newbie swinger couples in their 20s are going to be far more likely to attend a party where there will be couples around their own age until they move beyond soft swap and feel comfortable enough to attend parties with a broader age group.
And then there are the “elite” parties, with a reputation for catering to the rich and beautiful and a price ticket to match. Like everything in this world, class and status says a lot about you (or at least to the people who care about such things). They will require a photograph of you and often a questionnaire about you (how rich and beautiful are you really?), they may require that you join their site to gain access to party information and then they will decide if you’re worthy of entrance. They will rarely accept anyone outside their specified age band, unless you’re someone famous, and we’ve heard of quite a few times where one member of a couple is deemed “beautiful” enough but their other half isn’t. If you are rich and beautiful you will probably love the idea of these exclusive parties and revel in the idea that you are one of the “elite”. But a recent morning show interview with the UK owner of one of these elite parties which is trying to break into the Australian scene said 56% of attendees stay fully clothed so we’re guessing it’s more a “meet n greet” than a genuine swingers “play” party.
And one final thing which is more common courtesy rather than a rule. If you RSVP and you can’t make it – call or message to let the Party Organiser know. Unless it’s Saints as I think Brian will be a bit busy that night to take your calls. But especially if you’re a single guy who has been invited to a party. There is possibly a waiting list with some other guys keen as to come along. So if you can’t make it, it gives the Party Organiser the opportunity to let people on the waiting list know.
Basically, if you’re a swinger or interested in swinging, there is a club or party that will cater to your needs, but sometimes you may have to do a bit of hunting to find the best one. Do your research, look them up on Adult Match Maker, talk to past attendees, see if there are validations on their AMM profiles or reviews online. If you’re not sure of something it’s perfectly okay to email the party hosts to ask and I would actually encourage you to do so. If a party you want to go to has a rule that means you can’t attend don’t get argumentative or try to get around them in any way, that just makes you the exact sort of person no-one wants at a swingers party (deceitful and boundary pushing). Be respectful, be informed, and be safe.
Good luck, and happy party shopping… Why not go check out our Event section right now?