Merry Fucking Christmas

And so it begins, the festive season is upon us with all its various associated pleasures and pains; warmer weather and lazy days at the beach, longer evenings and office parties with the office bitch.

It can be a tricky time of the year if you are single, you may dread having no one to kiss on NYE. It can be even trickier if you are in a relationship. You may dread the inevitable marathon day of running around to all your relatives, none of whom you like very much. Then running around to all of their relatives, none of whom you care to know very much, especially when they are still following the ex's Instagram and talking about the amazing photos posted from a remote Himalayan village. Some of this gets better as you get older and you stop feeling constrained by the bullshit pressures of societal stereotypes. Or eventually you just stop caring if you offend anyone by buggering off to a tropical island for the duration and spend all your money on Mojitos by the pool instead of on socks for Uncle Gerald.

All of the societal pressures and stereotypes stink even worse if you dare to fall outside of the gender/sexuality/sexual “norms” whilst the world seems to be celebrating the coupling of heterosexual monogamous families. I mean I don’t see Hollywood making a lot of Christmas movies about the struggling female artist falling in love with the Princess from Aldovia and getting engaged on New Year's Eve or the male nurse who rescues some guy on the street only to find out he is the crown prince of Bulgradia in disguise and then they fall in love and get married on Christmas day whilst he rediscovers his love of Christmas and bondage. Yes, I realise I may have watched one too many of these appalling movies recently but I have already watched season two of Stranger Things and there is only one episode of Star Trek Discovery each week. 

Anyway, my point is that this time of the year can be fun but it comes with some pressures and some vulnerabilities. Make sure you choose the family and company that supports you. For some handy hints on what to say to those annoying relatives see Eva’s 7 Things Single Women are Sick of Hearing and her go to response in the comments.

The other fun thing about this time of year is all the magazine articles shoehorning Christmas sex into their content. Ok I am aware of the irony here but seriously I am not trying to tell you that there are a bunch of sex positions that are best for Christmas. I actually think that this time of year has enough pressures without having special Christmas positions that are only for once a year.  Luckily for you there are a ton of magazine articles you can read about which are the best Christmas positions, including advice about “giving her an orgasm”. Seriously, if you are waiting until Christmas to give your partner an orgasm, you are a Scrooge. There are tips about incorporating tinsel and baubles into your lovemaking and quite frankly if you hadn’t already worked out that you can “trail these across your partner's body” I am disappointed in you. 

My favourite article tried to work the 12 days of Christmas song and sex acts together and I give them points for trying. I will pay Five Pipers Piping as a lead in to giving a festive blow job, but again, suggesting you give a good one? What are you doing for the rest of the year? The worst was Seven Swans Swimming, the “festive sex” suggestion was have a bath and use a waterproof vibrator. Not bad advice in itself, just not really anything to do with swans (unless it was the Swan brand vibrator, but it wasn’t).  

The festive season has a bunch of stuff going on and sure there may be times when you do have a bit of extra time to play with your partner and sure, why not tie a bow on yourself and call it Christmas, but all the other advice is stuff you can do anytime. The festive season can lead to more sex generally but I won't be making any puns about jingle balls followed by advice to play with his balls or suggesting you draw snowflakes on her breasts. I am not saying you shouldn’t draw snowflakes. I mean why not, I am just saying I am not going to try and make normal sexual activities Christmassy by whacking some tinsel on them. You are perfectly capable of adding a festive theme all by yourself, especially if dressing up as Santa turns you on. A friend of mine came up with her own easy inexpensive Christmas idea, draw some mistletoe under your navel and ta da... festive oral sex. 

And a plea from a midwife, use some contraception people, apparently September is just too busy in maternity wards due to all the parties ^[1] , drinking and general frivolities. So, put a stocking on it!

Wishing you a very fabulous festive season and may all your wishes come true, Emma xxx

 

[1] Warm weather and drinking go hand in hand but if it has been a stressful year then alcohol can take a bigger toll than expected and you can make yourself vulnerable. Let me be very clear, you are not responsible for anything bad happening you are just more vulnerable to creeps and predators and to the sorts of people that don’t care about consent. I am not saying don’t drink, I am just saying do it with people you trust and or want to have sex with, not some random who you don’t feel comfortable with. And never ever feel you have to be polite to someone you don’t know, if you want to leave, go.

There is a reason that the best sex parties don’t allow people to stay if they are too intoxicated. Why is it that sex positive communities and kink communities are so much better at understanding the whole issue of consent and respect when it comes to sex and boundaries? Is it because we care about good sex? Is it because we are able to have fulfilling sex with consent and when we can’t get it, we are okay with that? That we are not whiney babies who think they have rights over other people’s bodies? Seriously, if you can’t get sex right now, have a wank. 

1 comment

Have your say! Login to comment.

• 

  triXXXi66

  More than a month ago

  Hilarious and sarcastic read.. thanks Emma

  Reply