Usually when it comes to sex, things are pretty straightforward. You have your condoms and lube, you make sure you have proper consent, and then you warm yourselves up a bit and go for it… (yes, this is a very basic rundown. Yáll know I know it’s more than that.) but when it comes to adding anal play into that mix it can become a little bit more than just “You ready?” “Yep” “Great, let’s fuck!” and this is for a few different reasons. The first of these is often the preparation many people like to do first… for peace of mind, and saving of bedsheets.
What About The Mess??
Yes, we’ve all heard the horror stories of what can happen if you’re not fully prepared for anal sex. For some people this anxiety of making a mess can turn them right off the idea before even trying. I get it. It’s one of my biggest anal fears and the main reason I rarely indulge. But this can be avoided and it’s a fairly simple, cheap and easy thing to do: Douche.
While I will scream from the rooftops about how dangerous douching your vagina can be, it is the absolute opposite when it comes to anal douching. There are no delicate balances of pH or bacteria you need to worry about or damage you can do to your internal bits by doing it (within reason), but the benefits, both physical and psychological can be huge.
You can buy douches at chemists and adult shops and they usually start around the $15-$20 mark. They are mostly a bulbous pump with a long tube attached, and you use it like a dropper to draw in warm, soapy water, then place the nozzle inside your bottom and squeeze out the water inside you (be gentle with your squeezes, you don’t need to pump too hard, you don’t want to accidentally tear a little bit of internal skin by being too enthusiastic with your douching). Let the water run out, then repeat til the water runs out clear. It can be a bit messy and smelly so it’s best to do it in the shower, but you’ll feel so much more confident about the lack of mess it’s absolutely worth it.
Vaginas V Bums
Now we’ve got the area clean, we need to think about the two really significant differences between the vagina and the butt that make sex a completely different affair between them, and they really can’t be ignored.
The first of these is elasticity. It’s MAJORLY important to have natural stretch in vaginas because ultimately their purpose is to expel babies from the womb, and they can be pretty freaking big. Yes the anal passage has been known to expel some rather large things (not trying to be gross, sorry, just laying down the facts) but none of which would ever be the size of a baby, and nothing as… well… solid as a baby.
The second of these differences is lubrication. The vagina will produce it’s own lubrication during sex. The more aroused you are, the more wet it becomes and the more slippery and comfortable sex can be. The butt does not do this. No matter how turned on and horny you are, the bum stays dry, and tight, and rather inaccessible. So these two things are ones that must be done manually and can sometimes take time and patience to achieve.
Lube Lube Lube!!
OMG I cannot stress enough the importance of lubricant and anal sex. It’s like, you know those memes going around with a picture of some pair and the caption is “name a more iconic duo… I’ll wait”… Well this is the ultimate duo. You simply cannot have one without the other and anyone who says they do are obviously far more experienced and hardcore than myself and probably don’t need this article, and I bow to your pain threshold and stamina… But I digress. Lube is absolutely necessary and, just to make it more confusing, there are a bunch of pros and cos against all the different sorts of lubes you can get and it can take a bit of time and practice to find the best one for you. I’ll break them down for you here.
Water-based: The most versatile of all lubes. Can be used safely with condoms, sex toys, and won’t stain clothing or sheets or leave oily marks. However, water-based lubricant is often thinner and more watery than other types of lube so you need to use a lot, and because it is water-based it evaporates quickly and can get sticky and you have to re-apply frequently.
Silicone: This is probably the best for anal sex because it doesn’t wash away, doesn’t evaporate, and leaves a long-lasting, slippery sheen that means you can play for ages and is completely safe for condom use. But it’s not the best for use with silicone sex toys, it can damage the surface of them and void warranties on expensive toys. It also can stain delicate materials like silk and lace and can be a real pain to clean up as it doesn’t wash away easily with water. A good suggestion to avoid the damage to the toy’s surface is to pop it in a condom first.
Oil-Based: A relatively new addition to the mainstream sex vernacular, the most popular being coconut oil which is the latest and greatest thing in the world according to any health and wellness blog you come across these days. They aren’t wrong, coconut oil is a great lube substitute. It’s long-lasting, smells great, is good for your skin… But it is NOT latex condom compatible and can degrade the rubber to unsafe levels. It also stains and has been known to cause irritations in people with certain sensitivities.
Lubes with Added Stuff: So these days lubricants can come with all sorts of extras added into them. Things that tingle and cool or warm up, properties that allow for more blood-flow and extra arousal, and lubes with relaxing properties made especially for anal sex. These are the ones I would recommend you try. A German company, Pjur, have a range of anal sex lubes (both water and silicone-based) that have special ingredients added which help the muscles in the anus relax and give more comfort during anal play. They don’t lessen any sensation, they just allow for more ease. These actually work and are not a gimmick and are recommended by almost every sexpert I know.
As an aside I will mention lubes and creams that are designed to numb the area… But I will NEVER recommend these. They are actually dangerous. If you can’t feel what’s going on, you cant tell if any damage is being done, and you really, really need to know. Also, what’s the point of doing it if you can’t feel it? Sounds a bit crap to me.
Warming Up and Getting Loose
Tongues and fingers and butt-plugs, Oh My! These three little things can be the key to getting the butt nice and ready for penetration of something larger (like a penis or strap-on) and can be just as erotic and fun as the main event! Gentle strokes or licks of the area, especially while playing with other bits (perhaps the clitoris on her or the perineum/testicles on him) can help the area start to feel ready for more action, and the slow pushing of a finger or small toy inside can help them ease into the sensation. Plenty of companies make “anal training kits” which usually consist of three or so different sized plugs from the very thin and non-confronting, to larger and thicker ones, and they can be great ways to help loosen the area and get it ready.
Slow and Steady Wins The Race
At least at the start of your anal play journey, the best way to get the most out of it is to take it slowly. The absolute best advice I can give to people who are new to the experience is to listen to the one being penetrated. They are in charge. They are the ones feeling it. They dictate how fast, slow, deep or otherwise the person penetrating them goes. Yes, after all that preparation it might feel super nice and welcoming in there, but the last thing you want to do is get lost in your own sensation and start pounding away at their butt like you might in vaginal sex. Not only can that really really hurt, it can illicit sensations you really don’t want to bring up in sexy-time… that being the urge to poo. It can totally ruin the moment, and can make the rest of the experience one of anxiety and paranoia and total unsexiness. Listening and consent are the two most important factors in sexual communication and in anal sex it is utterly imperative to a good time for all. Stay connected during the experience, ask them if it feels good, if they’d like it deeper or faster. Let them dictate the rhythm and pace. Trust me, you’ll still get the best of the experience, but so will your partner, and that’s the key to great sex, and more likely to lead to a repeat of the experience another time.
It’s important to understand that the sensations of anal sex can be a bit long-lasting. Some of these are good, and some are not-so-good. The good comes from flashbacks and memories. Often the next few days after the event every time you sit down you may feel a little sensitive and have a delicious little flashback of the moment. It’s enough to keep you excited and horny for a while! The not-so-great comes in the form of your slightly loosened anal passage. While some people find it a little hard to poop in the days afterwards, other people have the opposite effect and can be a bit frightened of something as simple as a small fart… It’s perfectly normal and reasonable to worry about this, and my suggestion is to perhaps wear panty liners (or wadded up loo paper as a male friend of mine does after particularly hardcore sessions) or something similar just to ease your mind.
Safety Tips and Things to Remember
Remember to always be safe and use condoms for a few different reasons. Because the anal passage is made of very thin skin, little cuts and tears are common creating a direct line to your bloodstream which is the perfect way for an STI to spread. If you are enjoying both anal and vaginal sex it is important to change condoms between them. The butt is full of all sorts of nasty bacteria (even after douching) which can enter the vagina and create all sorts of issues and infections. Condoms over toys can be a great way to protect the toys surfaces, but again, if you’re swapping between entrances, please make sure you change them. Only ever use proper anal toys. It MUST have a flared base on it or it has the possibility of getting lost. And yes I mean lost. The anal passage is basically one long tube from your butt to your mouth, and some of the horror stories and videos I’ve seen of what can get stuck or lost in there is frightening! An embarrassing and painful trip to the hospital should never be the way a sex session ends! Consent is absolutely needed, and this goes for every time you play. Just because they enjoyed anal sex last time doesn’t necessarily mean they will want to do it next time, so always ask.
So be safe, get consent, get prepared, and indulge yourself in some sexy, slippery, ultra-horny anal play! It really is next level excitement, and a brilliant way to enhance your sex life.