How many sexual partners have you had...honestly?
Emma Sachsse
on 9 November 2016
107 comments
A YouTube clip turned up this week of a first date on which the girl is ridiculed by her date for thinking that an octopus has 12 legs, but he still wants to have sex with her. He then asks her how many men she has slept with. It gets awkward. Maybe she was so upset because she is bad at counting (8 = 12) not because that is a completely inappropriate thing to ask on a first date. I don’t think he gets to add himself to the number, whatever it is.
Tracy Cox, a sex therapist, has been quoted as saying any female who is thinking of confessing, not to, “I guarantee that no matter what number you say it will be too many. Even if you have only had five” she sighs “it will be four too many”. She has some valid points about how the circumstances are more telling than the numbers, and you can get a better idea of what she has to say from her articles. Once I start trawling the internet, I found examples of all sorts of different attitudes and “acceptable” numbers but the prevailing attitude seems to be, less is best, especially for women. It is just more than it used to be a few decades ago.
So I thought I should write about it and then my hypocrisy was exposed. I believe that the number of people you have slept with shouldn’t define you, no matter what gender you identify with or what your sexuality. The reality is that as a straight, cis female I don’t want to tell you how many men I have slept with because I do not want to be judged. I don’t want the men I have slept with to think they were any less special because of the number of other men I have slept with and I don’t want my current partner to be devastated by the amount of sexual experience I have had compared to him. He knows it is a big difference, but putting an actual number on it? My gay mates used to joke that the number of men I had slept with made me an honorary gay man. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t tell you the exact number although as a writer I have kept a journal of most of the men I have slept with. Some entries just read “hot blonde at Austral, great sex” so the sex was memorable even if his name isn’t. And I recently read a Facebook post from a woman (whom I don’t remember) about finding me in bed with her boyfriend 26 years ago. I don’t remember any of it, but she does, and boy is she still angry about what that 18-year-old girl did (not the boyfriend). I don’t even know if I knew he had a girlfriend, but I am positive I have always had a don’t touch another person’s partner rule, but maybe that came later when I was more mature, at like twenty. So I am pretty sure I have forgotten to record every single lover.
Either way, I have had a number of sexual experiences, with some particularly gorgeous, lovely men. Some were from using Adult Match Maker. And I know that I am well into the triple digits, which according to most, is a few more than is acceptable for a female.
Anyway, having almost always had more partners than the men I was sleeping with has meant I learnt pretty early on that it threatened most of them. It was always refreshing to come across men who were so completely comfortable in their sexuality that they were either not threatened or had a similar tally, either way, it wasn’t an issue, and I didn’t suddenly become tainted.
There is an assumption that people who sleep around are “diseased”. I find the reverse is true because they understand about these things and get checked regularly, they are healthy.
I am not ashamed of the number of men I have slept with, and I want to feel like I could tell you without anyone judging. However, I am not ready to. Just know that it was the right amount. Sure there were some mistakes in there, but I learnt from them, mostly, well after the second or third time. Yes, I got exposed to STI’s but that wasn’t my punishment for having too much sex, just as catching a cold isn’t my punishment for walking around outside too often. I had some great times, some good laughs, and yes, maybe a few tears, either way, it is the right number for me, whatever it actually is.
It is not the numbers, but the intent. If you are having an enjoyable time, respecting yourself and others, then the numbers don’t mean a thing, either way.
I’m at a different life stage right now and I am happily participating in a monogamous relationship but part of why I am so content is that I have truly experienced a lot of what there is to experience, I am not curious about greener grass. My partner is an excellent lover, and I know this for a fact, I have done my research.
107 comments
Simonsays1976
More than a month agoI would say between 197 and 200
Reply1975wombaT
More than a month agoThey/we ain’t numbers. Shouldn’t be thinking this is number 36 while you are having sex with a person!!!
ReplyNewiplaycouple
More than a month agoHey there honestly,
Replyhighbornsteam54
More than a month agoNone for 2 1/2 years.
ReplyBluePowerade383
More than a month agoNot nearly enough
ReplyPlaytime.mmmm
More than a month agoMy number is my number...... irrespective of your opinion.
As long as all are consenting adults, and no one is getting hurt.
We all enjoy sex and there should be no shame in that. I have learnt from my experiences, and im sure those judgmental people, would be only to happy to play with open minded confident people, as for them they would be getting an experience they would never forget.
Some of us are more sexual beings and some less so......enjoy and play as u wish, because what truly matters is what makes you ( and your partner ) enjoy and what releases those endorphins, that makes us happier and healthier.
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ReplyETouch2019
More than a month agoAbsolutely agree. Nothing like a variety of consenting fun!
Account Closed
More than a month agoI’m not telling you but not that many
Matchless650
More than a month agoThere was a year when I had 200 lovers, I knew all their names too!
ReplyBut that year has passed & now I think of them fondly!
Howaboutnow73
More than a month agoOh god, My grand tally is let's see..1,2,3 oh, then there was that one, oh, and being that one was a threesome does that count for two? Oh...then there's that one....ok I've got it....
Reply7..(seven).....if I had have been a bit more patient it might have been 1 more than 7. So there, 7 it is!........this month!!
FFS.....really? Why do people judge? Who gives them the right? Who cares if you are man, woman or in between...who cares about your sexuality....or the number of sexual partners you have had? Isn't there enough judgements passed around already? By just being on AMM you can be judged by the conservative, vanilla type, apparent "cornerstones" of our society. Let them judge I say, I mean mister Abbott for instance....the guy lead this country and doesn't believe a yes is appropriate when talking gay marriage? They just end up looking silly really...Who the hell are these people? What gives them the right? Reserve your judgement on numbers, those who do, keep that energy for sorting out your deeper seated problem, such as why a number should bother you, why the insecurities? Get over yourself!
Love the one you're with! Most importantly love yourself! That's what really COUNTS!
CentralWestCpl
More than a month agoI agree that numbers do not matter. I have had long monogamous relationships which were equally as good as casual short term fun ones.
ReplyOf course once my partner and I got into the swinging scene both our numbers grew quickly.
QueenM11
More than a month agoLove this! Thanks :)
ReplyBoobsnbum779
More than a month agoI totally agree . How are you suppose to get good at it off you don't practice lol
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoYes I definitely agree with you on this subject practice makes for great technique and builds confidence which can only mean better sex for all involved.
Nostrings002
More than a month agoIn my younger days I was a total man whore and loved it got married and a lot of the flame went out I missed the thrill of the hunt That is why I am back here Wanting to play hard but it was around 300 ladies and 298 were great the other two just lay there like sacks there loss. And the sex was every think you can imagine. ANY Takers
Replylizyard76
More than a month agoOver the years I'd have to say having different lovers has taught me a lot. In my early 20's I was scared of sex, scared of male organs and it was all because I wasn't fully aware of the pleasures. I was brought up with the 'put up and shut up' attitude of my mum's era and it was your duty as a wife to put out....
from my mid thirties I really started to understand the benefits of sex and how different lovers teach you and about yourself, what you like and what you don't like.
Also how to please others and how much that then pleases you.
Yes numbers mean nothing its what we learn and experience that counts. The stories you can tell or share with those that are close also make for fun times.
Myself and my hubby are at the opposite end of the scale but it doesn't stop either of us enough our sex life.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoNow because of my experiences I have helped a lot of my female friends enjoy their partners more and they are happier than they have been in years.
curious_joe33
More than a month agoIt's interesting that anyone thinks numbers are important. What is guaranteed is that there is a mathematical certainty that on average women have as many partners as men, so roughly 50% of the time the woman has had more partners - and 50% the man has had more. If everyone realised that then it would be a non-issue.
ReplyFunkyAl2.0
More than a month agoI havent read the whole article but i did read somewhere that men tend to embellish their number by around 15 to 20% but women were the opposite and reduced their overall figure by a similar amount haha
I guess it says something about what how we perceive someones sexual conquests as good or bad depending on the persons gender!!
But it would be a lot easier for a female to rack up high numbers as a click of the fingers would be all thats required for a suitable mate to come running with cock in hand...But with males it is much much harder and prob why he gets called a stud and she a whore...
Not my opinion... Just saying lol
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoYou have a very strange idea of what women want - we are much more selective than men.
FunkyAl2.0
More than a month agoHow is my idea strange??
I was just quoting research on the number of partners, which is what the discussion is about I believe...
I agree that women are much more selective and thats to do with the fact that they can afford to be as they have many more options...
LimitPusher
More than a month agoThose of the mentality that count their sexual conquests are probably the same type that "high 5" their partner after sex
Replylocksmith22
More than a month agoAn extremely well constructed article which through sheer, "staring you in the face" logic makes absolute sense irrespective of gender. I wish this sort of commentary was available when I was much younger, struggling against the constraints of social judgement and sexual taboos.
ReplyWell done Emma - I like your style...... keep up the good work.
gtkxxx
More than a month agoI have had sex with less than 10 people but my ex multiple times ;) everyone else once or twice these date sites dont seem to work :(
Replywillinged666
More than a month agowell I must be doing some thing wrong coz its not a lot can count on one hand still
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoI'm a one hand man. And proud of it. Looking forward to moving to the second set of fingers though!! None the less it is a who really cares. It is the here and now that matters. It also has always amazed me the contradiction society has. So hypocritical.
Wanderlust11
More than a month agoWork in progress...
Replydownundermumma
More than a month agoWell they do say variety is the spice of life. I had one partner for 22 years and we had what I thought was a great sex life. However, after he was no longer in the picture and ventured in to meeting other men, I have found other men absolutely better in bed than I ever imagined. I have also found worse too. But it all comes down to experiencing something with them. You gain more knowledge about yourself and what turns on the opposite sex too, and with each encounter you get better and better.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoWhy count.....just get the knowledge and enjoy the rides...mmmmm
COOLEURO
More than a month agoI don't see what the issue is in regards to how many people you've has sex with .
ReplyAs long as your having a good time and not hurting anyone the more the merrier :)
friskypuz
More than a month agobut who really counts them,, ?
who needs to know? and I'm not done yet...
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoPrecisely!
cman01
More than a month agoGod I was an absolute man whore growing up, I was involved in mindless faceless sex with so many partners it was well into triple digits as well. I wouldnt change a thing at all, it was wonderful and I would never ever deny anyone their right to explore their sexuality.
Replywhycoffee
More than a month agoI couldn't care how many someone has been with its not indicative of anything. If a 45 year old woman started sex at 18 and was unlucky enough to met 1 guy a year and he only slept with her once, that would make 27 men is that to many or not I ask the good people of AMM. It shouldn't define her in any way.
ReplyOnemorechance16
More than a month agoI was a Virgin 7 months ago and thanks to this site I'm nearly to double digits. I just wanted sexual experience before/if I ever settle down with someone. I was kind of concerned on my number at first but then I thought stuff it, I want and deserve fun like everyone else and numbers don't even count. Just because I'm a woman, numbers shouldn't define me.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoThey don't mate...never have: that's a male social construct that's slightly holding you back. So hit it sister...life's short and every knows you need skin to be in the game :))
Mr.Xander
More than a month agoI hate that garbage attitude from men... If my partner has had sex with 1, 10, 100, or 1000 men or any other number, then I don't care because she is currently have sex with me and that's all that counts. I don't expect her to take issue with my number though either, which I know exactly and am happy to discuss. Why should it be a problem?
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoWell expressed. It's who you're with now that's important.
hottcock
More than a month agoUp until 3 years ago only really about 4.
ReplyBut being on this site and couple of naughty Facebook groups as well attending some nude events I increased that 10 fold in the last 3 years. Once again if could have been more but being involved with the lifestyle you get to meet and enjoy the company of like minded people.
justforfun558
More than a month agoTo be honest, I've lost count
Replyidiotfacedidiot
More than a month agoova 10...
Replyhotwife012
More than a month agoYou wouldn't believe me if i told you
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoOh I may just believe you...Davey
KaifraDuet
More than a month agoI have no idea, but like you, Emma, it is way up in the triple digits and so what? I have never asked any of my lovers to tally up her conquests - or surrenders - it's none of my business. Besides, experience is a wonderful, educational thing. And I still adore them all.
ReplyMickford
More than a month agoI don;t think it should matter, as long as you aren't hurting anyone go for what you want.
Replyhotsexplease351
More than a month agoI have sex with 2 in my 62 years ,this is why i am trying this site my now wife for 45 years an to say i do not know what to do ?
Replyplasticmonkey
More than a month agowhen I turned 18 back in 1988 I went out and bought a carton of kb lager beer and put it in the fridge . I said to myself "right , every time I have a sexual encounter , I shall celebrate the occasion by consuming one bottle of beer" . Hang on a minute........I think there is still 3 and a half six packs in the back of the fridge!!
Replyacwotam
More than a month agoHmmmm.......... does it still count if you had to pay them??
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ReplySassySandy
More than a month agoHELLOOOOOO!!!! You've just proved my point!!! Dumb or DUMBER!!!!!!! didn't u understand the question......OOOOOOO..whatever!!!!!!!!
Toby1975
More than a month agoAbsolutely not.
Leolady727
More than a month agoI really cannot believe that this is an issue for anyone! Having gone through the "swinging 60's", when the pill was readily available and STDs were almost unheard-of, I had PLENTY of partners and never thought to ask any of them how many they had fucked.
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Replydjpete321
More than a month agoWell said Leolady.. I think it's a totally irrelevant question and would frown upon anyone that looked down on a girl or guy based on how many people they've explored their sexuality with over their lifetime, regardless of what age they might be..
How I've led my life defines who I am today. People will either like me for who I am, or not - I've no problem with that. So if you like the person you're with, then what is the relevance to how many partners they've slept with before you met them? None!
Some folks are just hypocrites. Sexuality is a large part of makes us human. If someone needs to ask that question and then tries to judge you about the answer, then they're not worth your time in my opinion. Personally, asking such a question has never even crossed my mind. As I said, I think it's irrelevant.
SassySandy
More than a month agoHONESTLY!!!!!! NOT BRAGGING!!!! it's just fact!!!!! Not counting....as it runs into the thousands.......luckily I get to choose the ones I want and DON'T want.......probably would be in the MILLIONS if I chose them all HAHA!!!! For now just enjoying the ones who tickle my fancy for hopefully many more years to come. ENJOY!!!! while the going is good hehe.
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ReplySassySandy
More than a month agoI'm just a voluptuous woman lucky to be blessed with a high sex drive, if I was a so called "whore" for the men who DON'T approve!!!! tough titties hehe!!!! I would be a VERY rich woman today!!!! BUT I'M NOT!!!!! so why not enjoy myself with the body and sex appeal I was gifted as we ONLY live once.....so all u boring men....GO GET A LIFE!!!!!!
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More than a month agoWell good on you SassySandy. Keep doing it while ever you enjoy it. A lot of very lucky guys out there and you get to use your talents and enjoy it too!
pebbleb
More than a month agoAs a gay bottom guy from the sixties I was asked this question about 5 years ago and it got me thinking so I wrote down the details of all my encounters and most from this site for 12 months 43 different guys many multiple times so say 55 years x43 = 2365 going on what I was like in Sydney in my teens at the back of central station "The Wall to you who know " the figure is probably about right and 3 girls is my total with women
ReplySparky02
More than a month agoWho cares really. It could be 1 or 1000 as long as the person has no regrets about how many then who really cares.
Replyorangeman555
More than a month agohey I have to say that I do not care how many men (or women for that matter) my partner has slept with. Especially as I got into the swinging scene with a bi-partner we both racked up a lot of sexual partners. I absolutely love being with a woman who fulfils her fantasies. If that means I am just there to support her then great.
ReplyRecently I was talking with a woman I met on AMM about this.She had a man asking her not to fuck around despite the fact he really was not available other than occasionally. Men need to get over this "possessive" behaviour and realize we are all truly equal. And Yes women get to pick and choose on their own terms.
QLDTwo4fun
More than a month agoOne is too many if they didn't want it. But who cares how many as long as the were all consenting adults and hopefully had a good time.
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoGood on you. Isn't what this site is really all about? Consenting adults enjoying each other, giving pleasure and receiving it too.
Dexter0007
More than a month agoWell younger years plenty say around 120 lol but who's counting ME ??????
ReplyToby1975
More than a month agoIt seems these articles/blogs usually focus on high numbers. And people judging others or defending their own tally. But what about the other side of the fence. How many is too few? Can great sex with just one person ever be better than a lifetime of variety even if most of them were forgettable.
ReplyWhat do you think about those whose number is 1 or 2. And talking about people over say 40 years old, not millennials.
Michelle112
More than a month agoGreat article. I'm up there too but who really cares? I love playing. I don't intentionally hurt anyone and almost always have a good time. It's about being alive and enjoying our life. Can't have fun when we're dead
ReplyScorpio.looker
More than a month agoShould I say maybe about 100?? No, perhaps I had better not.
Replynautycol
More than a month agoI was seduced by a couple of 15yo sisters when I was 12 in the sand hills of Burrill Lakes, south coast NSW and continued each xmas holidays for a few years. The experience for me opened up a whole new world for me and gave me the pleasure, most of the time, to have quite a number of lovers over the years. How many? I wouldn't have any idea, and the thing was with me anyway, that it was me and each ladies business and nobody else's regardless.
ReplyI can really relate to the song "To all the girls I've loved before", I am glad they came through my door, so numbers are irrelevant, to me it is the memory of the experience.
hotemp
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BabygalAphrodit
More than a month agoNo need to be rude tallguy1965. What's wrong with keeping count? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't hurt anyone. It's not self centered at all. It's fun and exciting and thrilling!
Mskitty16 - most of mine were over the last 4yrs too!
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ReplyLovetoGush
More than a month agoNice one!!
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More than a month agoI totally agree, each to there own, if we want to count that's our choice. I lost count many years ago, but still have a list of the names of the first 120 ladies and comments, every few years I find it and it brings back memories of each of them. I wish I had kept the idea going, many of the ladies in recent times are now forgotten. I won't say how many wonderful experiences I have had, but in the 90s before the internet took off I was able to meet around 3 couples a week for many years.
MiguelCDLOGAN
More than a month agomore than 100, less than 1,000
ReplyPeachapple16
More than a month agoGood heavens, I'm so envious - wish I'd slept with a triple digit number of men! If I only had the looks and the freedom I'd have a different man every night of the week. Who wants boring sex and stale, repetitive monogamy?
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ReplyLovetoGush
More than a month agoI don't have a great body, wouldn't say I'm not attractive though. It's all about confidence in yourself. Some weeks I have had a different guy every night, sometimes more than one!!!
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More than a month agoThat's a lot of information that I wouldn't share :), sleeping with tons of men isn't something to brag about :(
trusted8
More than a month agoMiss Peachapple.... as long as you enjoy those which you experience, its nothing to do with numbers..but it does conjure up those lovely thoughts that you are a very willing participant and I'm sure after those who read this, the available guys will be offering their services to you and you may need to employ a secretary to manage your incoming messages.
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More than a month agoMskitty16 - Don't listen to the judgmental people on here. Its a public forum with your identity hidden, so share away. In this day and age, you'd think the witch hunt for openly sexual liberated women to be over, but its not, not even on a sex site! Its always the jealous woman putting down other women!
Account Closed
More than a month agoDefinitely not jealous just don't think it's necessary to tell anyone the number. It's as tacky as the ' validation ' system on here :(
AMM.Editor
More than a month ago@Melody2973 the "Validation" system is to prove that the person behind the profile is genuine and real, it's not a "9 out of 10 'cos she gave me a terrific blowjob". If you don't think it's a good idea then don't use it but it's a feature we're proud of adding as it's yet another way for our members to weed out the fakes.
Account Closed
More than a month agoYeah except people make up fake profiles and then validate there real profiles with them.can pick them a mile away,usually have 3 or 4 pics but they're all the same pic,sometimes if you look close you can see American style power points in the background so they're not even pics from here.
AMM.Editor
More than a month ago@icanseeu7310 but unlike other sites they can only post a Validation if they're verified or have been a financial member and in our experience very few want to pay to do that.
LovetoGush
More than a month agoI'm in triple digits too and most of them have been in the last three years! I say enjoy yourself whilst you can :)
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoMskitty - you are an inspiration :-).
tallguy1965
More than a month agoOmg why would anyone ask that question and why(unless you where 18 even think about keeping a tab?
Sounds very self centred even bring the question up let alone been able the answer it if you are an older person
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoKeeping count is tacky I think :(
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More than a month agoI actually can not answer "it" but just what gives you the right to insult people who want to keep track? I did for the first 120 and I wish i still did. There is nothing wrong with being able to remember people. Sex has been a huge part of my life. If you were into any other activity and kept track, the prudes would leave you alone.
NaghtyBartender
More than a month agoproud being a whore....at least 50 men and women :)
ReplyHORNYSYDMAN
More than a month agoLost count lol who cares anyway just enjoy it while you can we only live once
ReplyPeteyBoy05
More than a month agoonly about 3.
Replyits the way this world is going.
people are always playing with their phones and
ipads they dont want to date anymore.
i cant get any females to talk to me.
its a sad world.
cbdlivin
More than a month agoI find its better not to discuss, or I usually quote lower number as once when I worked it out in round numbers people give me funny looks, but in the end I have just had a really active and fun life....personally I do not care how many people a partner has slept with though if really low I know to go slowly, no use frightening them :-)
Replyfrustration.
More than a month agoha ha i must be close to one of a kind ...less than 5 ....
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoLol no offence, but is that why you chose the name?
inkedseductress
More than a month agoI'm well into triple digits
ReplyRubyCheeks
More than a month agoThank You Emma
ReplyWonderful article about busting stereotypes. No matter the number, each experience offers something to our life, be it good or bad. Gone are the days of virginity till marriage(there are exceptions) and these experiences can enrich relationships. However one thing that still gets lost in sex, is how important open communication is. Articles such as yours start opening thought and therefore communication.
BabygalAphrodit
More than a month agoI'm proud of my triple digit number!
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Replyfrustration.
More than a month agonice if i was in that count...
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More than a month agoAny likelihood to converting it into a 4 digit figure.
Slimshaddy
More than a month agoIm sick of all these stereotypes, Its no ones buisness how many people women sleep with. I for one love mature older women; part of the reson is because i feel they have more experience both mentially and sexually.. So i dont understand the Double edged sword ;Dalmed if you do Dalmed if you dont; stuff that, bring on the love i say??
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoDamn Boy!! Damn! ;)
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More than a month agoSummer you understand what I mean
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More than a month agoI do:
a) Want to marry you
b) Want to fuck you
or
c) Understand what you mean
:)
1Hornyone
More than a month agoWho cares
ReplyMelody2973
More than a month agoReally not anyone's business is it ?? :))
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ReplyAccount Closed
More than a month agoi am proud of my triple digit number
trusted8
More than a month agoFor some, its a conquest to total the numbers. For others, its just a matter of circumstances that lead to one being with several different partners, generally over a long period of time. Its not for anyone to judge another and only for one to judge themselves, if needed. For myself, its been the exploration,understanding and experience shared in the journey and interestingly enough, about how diverse I have been with different partners. In all cases, a fun time. Thank you Emma for provoking this topic.
Replyallinmymind
More than a month agoI was waiting for the definition of "slept with" to help us count lol
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ReplyBendigoian
More than a month agoLol mmm yeah well there hasn't been a lot of sleep in my previous encounters either, but lots of fun tho.
Sweetangelic3
More than a month agoI agree the numbers are irrelevant, playing is playing and the experience is all about the moment. I am in triple digits also and enjoy the openess of others the same.. So long as i get checked regularly for STI's (every 3 months) regardless of female/male partners, i will continue to enjoy. Fantastic article
ReplyIntimit1
More than a month agoQuite agree Emma. If my partner has had more partners than I, so what? She chooses to be with me & I choose to be with her. I've found that my female partners are more interested in the number than I am. One, like you, has kept a diary & a star system to rate the sex. I've never asked where I sat on her scale as it is irrelevant to how we interact as a couple or enjoy each other sexually. And we do!
ReplyUniqueguyhere
More than a month agoI think it's very sad that some people judge you on how many partners you have had. Especially when you have already had wonderful experiences with them. I started younger than most and every partner was special.
ReplyI honestly can't remember all the names of the women I have snuggled up with but it's around the 200 mark. It's important to accept people for who they are and not what they are. At the end of the day we all want to be treated with respect and be happy. Stay safe and have fun everyone :-)