Setting the mood for sex: from build-up to climax!

Woman in red bra being caressed by her bare chested lover

When I first met my husband, the sexual attraction was so strong, I could barely sit down for weeks.

In that time, we’d enjoyed two steamy dates, during which we could barely keep our hands off each other, but I was at a time in my life where mental and intellectual connection was just as important, so I was relishing getting to know his brain first, penis second. 

And due to our respective hectic work schedules, we couldn’t consummate the relationship for several more weeks. To be honest, the forced delay and build-up to our first sexual encounter (involving penetration) was both exquisitely painful and deliciously pleasurable in equal measure.

We lived almost an hour from each other too, so it forced us both to build the mind/body connection from afar via sexy texts, flirty phone calls and many intense, sexy emails back and forth, burning up the internet. I could barely focus on anything else – I don’t know how I functioned normally during this time. He was plaguing my dreams – not to mention my every waking moment.

When we finally got to have glorious sex on our much-anticipated third date, I was already completely smitten with him and telling friends that “this was IT” so I relieved that the physical act was amazing, too and he was just as good in the bedroom.

My takeaway from this – after 12 years together – is that setting the mood for sex with your partner is extremely important and can be just as awesome as the real thing.

Have you ever booked a holiday and found the resulting dopamine hit boosted your mood for ages? It’s the same concept – psychological studies have long shown the strong connection between anticipation and happiness.

Social scientists say we get an extra happiness boost if we consciously delay any type of pleasure – be it a holiday, eating a favourite food, or even sex.

This is because the exciting build-up of positive expectations – where you repeatedly fantasise about how pleasurable the experience will be – is a beautiful mindfuck for your brain.

So, how can you set the sex-magic scene for your long-term partner or exciting, new hook-up, before you’ve even physically touched them? Get inside their head, that’s how – the human imagination is a wonderful thing.

  • Return to sender: Write fun and sexy notes – emails, texts, sexts, even hand-written messages under their pillow – build-up that passionate desire, baby. Part of the joy of getting such a sexy, feel-good communication from your significant other is being able to re-read it again and again.
  • Tell them about it: Be imaginative, explicit and specific about all the glorious ways you are going to thrill your partner’s body, from head-to-toe, in funny, playful phone calls, messages and whispers in their ear. Get good at literally talking your partner into bed.
  • Be a prop master: Get your props sorted before the main act – chill that champagne, change those sheets, light that fire, dim those lights, put on the sexy music, get the oysters shucked and light the candles. Set the mood for hot sexing! 
  • Fix yourself up first: Get clean, perfumed, well-groomed and slip into something that makes you feel good - be it jeans, a Chewbacca costume or just a pearl G-string – whatever makes you feel good. Personal hygiene is important – feeling good is key to getting yourself in the mood for sex.
  • Read the room: Pay close attention to your partner’s mood when you encounter them, pre-sex. Have they had a shit day? Be attentive and ask them about it. Do they need a sexy massage first to unwind? Kindness and paying proper care and attention to your partner’s feelings is always sexy in itself and will help with the sexual build-up to the big event.

Mood killers:

  • Consent is everything – NEVER try to bully or coerce your partner into having sex if they aren’t feeling it. 
  • If you partner says no to sex – despite your best efforts to set the mood for sex – be emotionally mature about it and don’t take it personally. Be kind and curious as to why. 
  • Don’t be needy - it’s the ultimate turn-off.
  • Keep your house tidy and presentable for hook-ups – he or she might want to run a mile in the opposite direction if it’s dirty or messy and soft toys are a no-go (unless you’re both into plushies)! 

Of course, it goes without saying that once you’ve set the mood for sex and dizzying heights of anticipation, foreplay is the next obvious step towards penetrative sexual bliss.

Foreplay, or “outercourse” as some sexologists like to call it, takes plenty of time and effort too, so don’t rush it.

Think of it as the delectable first course to a main meal – make an effort to get sex on the table and spend the time needed to build-up pleasure and arousal.

Many women need substantial foreplay to feel truly relaxed, in the mood for sex and aroused and this also gives us a much greater chance of achieving orgasm when you come at us all nice and hard.  

Now, go listen to WAP for inspiration guys and get set for some fabulous sex! 


  • MilkyMilo


    More than a month ago

    All day foreplay!
    Get those juices flowing all day with little messages/actions for one another and capitalise on the built up tension later on.

  • Photos in private gallery


    More than a month ago

    i have always found it much better , if both of us had compared notes prior to meeting , in relation to our likes dislike etc

  • Surrendertome


    More than a month ago

    Lead a woman's mind, and her body will follow...

  • CopperTop111


    More than a month ago

    Totally agree... a couple years back..yep been that was going out with a lady who said she couldnt orgasm properly n coming out of a bad relationship wasnt helping.. we were actualy spent the nights together (sleeping) she offered to get me off but I said NO not till she got there first.. so for 3 or 4 weekends ( thats when we could get together) it was just foreplay till she relaxed enough.. till finally she almost begged me was great..for both of us..believe it or not I actually enjoyed the build up as well...cheers M

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