Honesty is the key to closing the deal

Man kissing his partner on the cheek and making her smile

Why does online dating sometimes feel so complicated? Catching someone’s attention. Flirting just the right amount. Projecting confidence. Knowing when to ask to meet face to face. Sometimes it’s near-impossible to move from ‘chatting and flirting’ to ‘hanging out’. Often, we’re stuck in a loop for what seems like forever, until the dreaded ‘left on read’ occurs. What if I told you that honesty and simply asking is the strategy to closing the deal?

It might sound a bit weird. After all, when to comes to sex, we’re taught not to talk about it. But I prefer to be direct. Over the years, I’ve found that it works. 

Many single folks would do anything to avoid having an honest conversation about hooking up. They assume everything should happen naturally, and that doing it any other way means admitting to social failure. Not to mention the fear of rejection – so awkward! If saying ‘I want to get naked with you’ feels difficult, you’re not alone.

But there are some huge problems with avoiding the conversation:

When we don’t ask, we sometimes look creepy. I remember the guys at clubs that used to stand near me on the dance floor but never start a conversation. It was weird and uncomfortable to have someone silently following me around all night. Hiding your intentions can create a bad vibe, even if it’s only because you’re nervous.

When we don’t ask, we don’t get what we really need. Maybe you’re not sure if your new friend is keen to get sexy. Maybe you’re hoping for a specific type of kink play, or you’d like to introduce them to your hot girlfriend. Other people aren’t mind readers – they don’t magically know what you want. You need to communicate, so they can decide whether they’re interested.

When we don’t ask, we waste time. I’ve spent hours chatting with crushes online, waiting for them to reply and eventually finding out that they’re just not that interested. Instead of waiting and hoping, I could have been looking for a better prospect! Picking up successfully is all about being efficient – if someone isn’t keen, it’s best to find out sooner rather than later. Otherwise you’ll end up feeling worn out.

So, what happens when we do ask? And how can we pull this off, without looking awkward?

I have a method that works well for me. If I’m keen on someone, I might send them a message and say, ‘Hey, you seem cool. Want to chat?’ If we’re talking and things are going well, I’ll say, ‘I think you’re really hot and I’d love to organise a play session some time. Please feel free to say no, I just think we might have fun together.’ If I’m flirting with someone who’s into BDSM, I’ll say, ‘There’s this kink I’ve been thinking about. Can I tell you and see if you’re down for it?’

Sure, sometimes they say no – we’re not guaranteed to get what we want. But when I ask, I show them I’m confident … and confidence is sexy. It gives me an advantage. Many of my sexy adventures never would have happened without that crucial conversation.

Of course, this doesn’t justify saying anything to anyone. Walking up to a stranger in a bar and asking, ‘Wanna fuck?’ will probably get you thrown out, and rightly so. Online is no different - it needs to be appropriate. Choose someone you already have a connection with, and make sure you treat them like a human being first. When I meet someone new, I always strike up a friendly conversation before making any suggestions, so they know I see them as a person and not just a sexual conquest.

And if they do say no? Accepting rejection gracefully is attractive too. I’m always impressed when I turn a guy down and they respond with, ‘thanks, I respect that.’ I’ll often be open to talking with him again in the future because I know he’s safe. And remember, people say no for all sorts of reasons – perhaps they’re just not in the mood, or they’re waiting until they feel more comfortable. If you respect their boundaries, they’re more likely to come back to you later.

Learning to ask has made a huge difference to my sex life. Rather than feeling as if I’m stuck on ‘pause,’ I have the power to guide my encounters in a direction that works for everyone. It’s led to some great connections, and even better sex. While everyone else is acting shifty and anxious, I can simply go after what I want, and look good doing it.

When it comes to hooking up online, being direct is a great strategy. By being honest, and asking your dates how they feel, you’ll stand out as someone special. It might take a little practice … but if you can learn to ask, you’ll have a much greater chance of closing the deal.

17 comments

  • StraightSwap4u

    StraightSwap4u

    More than a month ago

    I'll never understand the decision to be anything less than honest and upfront abour your intentions on here (or indeed in every day life). How else does one get what they want? We're all here for our own various reasons afterall. Lies will eventually be found out, and to what avail? Perhaps this is the trusting country gal in me, but I do tend to take people at face value a lot. Sure, keep your wits about you, but I think it's good not to become TOO jaded either. Not everyone is out to lie, cheat or deceive.

    Reply
  • Lemonlimekisses

    Lemonlimekisses

    More than a month ago

    Not just honesty. Respect is equally important. Too many times men launch into a verbal attack when a woman doesn’t respond or indicates non-interest. Obviously this works both ways and men get abused too. However, People need to learn respect and read profiles before even starting to chat. If you’re going to ask a silly question or don’t take note of one’s preferences then don’t get angry if you don’t get the response you were hoping for. It needs to work both ways. Also, just because one person likes you doesn’t mean the other person needs to agree to meet so don’t respond with “you fat cxxx, you should be pleased I messaged you”

    No liars either. We are all adults and not stupid. It just looks dumb if you lie.

    Reply
  • Darkstud

    Darkstud

    More than a month ago

    I have tried to be honest, upfront, even blunt many times and I have come to realise in my personal life that radical honesty is the best policy.

    Reply
  • Brendanforfun

    Brendanforfun

    More than a month ago

    Great article. Honesty, self respect and being comfortable with who you and know what your not is absolutely the best part of being sociable

    Reply
  • Ifuwannadome

    Ifuwannadome

    More than a month ago

    mmmm fake profiles, un used accounts mmmmm......woman at the hairdressers but male can meet....wife suddenly has to run to her mothers, blah blah.......i agree with kidhot.......or theyre all talk and no go......or the women dont want their men near meee......probably why we blocked from so many couples....but guess what.. care factor of zero, ladies

    Reply
  • KidHot.

    KidHot.

    More than a month ago

    Honesty on AMM?I like to see that!

    Reply
  • phoenix1323

    phoenix1323

    More than a month ago

    Honestly, the number of members I’ve blocked because they’ve been dumbasses from the word go is staggering.

    Why is it so hard to say “hi, how are you? Would you like to chat and get to know each other?” A person is more likely to look your way if you aren’t acting like a dog in heat.

    Manners go a long way. Talk to me like you’d talk to your mum to start with, cheekier stuff can come later when you both have an idea if you’d like to meet/have sex.

    There’s nothing wrong with getting to know someone, taking the time to have a decent conversation. If your only here to meet and fuck straight up, state it on your profile. If you want to make a connection with the people you want to share your body with.. take the time. Simples.

    • FancyFifties

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Well said Phoenix

    • triXXXi66

      triXXXi66

      More than a month ago

      Right on mate! Hit the nail on the head! R.E.S.P.E.C.T

    • Photos in private gallery

      JustBack4Now

      More than a month ago

      Totally agree with you ...

    • Photos in private gallery

      ispywithmy

      More than a month ago

      It’s not that I disagree with you, but in Victoria is different. Talking nicely just gets you blocked or ignored (usually with a BORRING reply). The article assumes that there is a more even ratio of men to women, which there is. This site and honesty don’t belong in the same sentence.

    • phoenix1323

      phoenix1323

      More than a month ago

      @ispywithmy maybe you’re choosing the wrong profiles? Fact is, no one has to reply to anyone, and I tend to block straightaway if there’s nothing in the profile that tells me that person would be a good connection for me or they come out with the standard “nice pics/tits” or “ wanna fuck” lines, because more often than not, they tend to stalk my profile a few times a day.. nothing will change my choice, and nothing in my profile will change either, so why bother? You’ve said they respond with a “BORRING reply”.. maybe you’re expecting too much?
      There’s a lot of dishonesty on the site, that is true. But not all are dishonest, and you can usually tell that from their profiles. I don’t believe in or like bullshit, so many guys in particular get pissed at me for telling them straight up “not interested “. Should I continue a conversation with someone I have no interest in, simply because they don’t want to be blocked or ignored?

    • Meg1987

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I completely agree with you, Phoenix1323

    • Photos in private gallery

      JustBack4Now

      More than a month ago

      Totally agree with you again Phoenix1323

    • chastitybeltkey

      chastitybeltkey

      More than a month ago

      and to sum it all up.. effort and respect is attractive and goes a long way..

    Reply
  • DeerPool1978

    DeerPool1978

    More than a month ago

    Full sentences and paragraphs.
    No projection.
    And if you cannot host why do you think I must be able to.
    Full sentences and paragraphs; I have no mind reading capabilities at all.

    Reply
  • SweetDesire26

    SweetDesire26

    More than a month ago

    great article I believe that honesty is the most important thing .

    Reply
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