How to Date a Trans Woman
This topic was one we have received a few different questions about, both from men wanting to date trans women, and from trans women wanting to help clear some of the myths and misconceptions surrounding trans women and dating, and, to be blunt, educate y’all on how not to be offensive or rude in your pursuits.
As most of you are aware, I am not trans and so in writing this piece I spoke to a number of different trans women to get their perspectives and advice, and I bring you the following piece in their words.
We Are Women
“One thing that really needs to be said first and foremost is that trans women are women. They are not ‘men in dresses’, or ‘men trying to trick men into sleeping with them’. If this is the sort of thing you are looking for then you need to find a cross-dresser or similar, not a trans woman. It’s usually pretty clear on a dating profile which one they are.” - Penny
“Approaching a trans woman for a date is the same as approaching a cis woman for a date. ‘Hi, would you like to go on a date?’ It’s not rocket science” - Kate
“You are not gay!! We present as female, consider ourselves female, and want what females want.” - Alice
Don’t Keep Me A Secret
“I’ll know you’re serious about dating me when you introduce me to your best friend. In my entire dating life I have met only 2 best friends, and not a single parent.” - Penny
“I don’t expect you to shout from the rooftops that you’re dating a trans woman, but if you can’t tell your friends, then I don’t want to date you.” - Helena
“We get enormous interest. I can get [up to] 300 messages a week from guys and girls. It can be overwhelming! But even the few that actually want to date won’t introduce you to their circle” - Alice
“I’m not going to be your dirty little secret. You need to be as proud of dating me as you would be dating anyone. I will take celebration or I will take nothing!” - Kate
Respect Goes A Long Way
“Don’t ask me about my genitals. It’s gross. If you want to date genitals then don’t date me. I am far more than what’s between my legs, and if you want to get between my legs you’ll understand and respect that” - Kate
“One way to tell [if someone is respectful or not] is that they are prepared to meet you in a public setting such as a cafe, bar, or restaurant etc.” - Alice
“Don’t tell me I ‘pass’ as a woman. That’s pretty fucking rude and just shows me you don’t think of me as a real woman. Which I am.” - Penny
We Are Not Your Experiment
“I once had a guy tell me he wanted to go out with me because he was thinking he was bi and wanted to check. He couldn’t understand why I got offended at that. Let me break it down for you. I am a woman. You are dating a woman. You are only bi if you are also dating a man. I am not a man. Therefore you are not bi” - Penny
“I get it. We are a bit different and a bit of a novelty to mainstream cis-ers. But we actually aren’t your ‘novelty toy’. We are humans. There are people you can pay if you want to ‘experiment’, but my life and heart are not there for you to play with and satisfy some fetish urge” - Helena
Forget Porn
“Please don’t use ‘porny’ terms to describe me. I am not a ‘lady boy’ or a ‘chick with a dick’ or a ‘tranny’. If you are really interested in [dating trans women] then you also need to understand what words and phrases we don’t like. [Porn] is probably the worst place to get your information on us. - Kate
“Guys want to meet because they think we will ‘top them’, or come to our place just for sex, or they [think of us as] free sex workers because they [associate us] with Thailand.” - Alice
“I am not a fetish. I am a person. Want to play fetish? Pay someone.” - Penny
Fight For My Rights
“Call out transphobia wherever you hear it. I don’t care if it’s your dad. You want to be my partner, then you fight for me and defend my honour like you would any girl.” - Helena
“I need to be able to rely on you for safety and comfort. [Things can be] really hard and dangerous out there for trans people. I need to know you’re on my side.” - Kate
“Fighting for the rights of trans people is also fighting for the rights of cis people to date trans people without all the bullshit. So when you fight for me, you’re also fighting for yourself” - Penny
Take Me Out
“Movies are good. Restaurants too. Love a good museum. Basically take me out to cool places and don’t hide me. Yes, sure, cooking dinner for me at home is really nice and sweet and romantic… [But if it’s] every single time we ‘go out’ then I’m going to get paranoid you don’t want to be seen with me in public and that’s bullshit.” - Helena
“Show me off! Take me out! I am your date and I want you to want the world to know it!” - Kate
“[The good guys] are happy to do anything with you that any guy would with his girlfriend, but that shit is rare as rocking-horse poo. My main aim is to help people move from the closet to the mainstream [and to] highlight that it is okay to date trans people and your friends won’t ridicule you. More likely they’ll be jealous!” - Alice
It’s pretty straightforward really. Treat people like you want to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion. While yes, there are a whole lot of factors that come into play when dating a trans person, and a lot of re-learning and understanding you might need to educate yourself on, finding love and companionship with that special person is absolutely worth the work. Just like in any relationship with anyone of any gender. And to all our trans sisters and brothers who are here looking for love, we wish you good luck, good fun, and most importantly, good loving.
35 comments
SeafordTrans76
More than a month agoThis is an interest piece,probably the best article I've read online in some time.Its written to inform in a candid way that modern journalism lacks,due to the politicised slant they often sell out for,that and capitalism.Being a trans advocate or championing any ideal is a mature minded pursuit,may as well stand for something as opposed to being a total sell-out like our current government that stand for nothing good or positive.Under them Australia never benefits,but their pocket books do.which is worse a minority that exists you've never met,that has no proof of malice and that only seek to live like everyone else vs an elite few,who live off the taxes,above the law,commit heinous Acts of criminality,corruption,sex crimes and escape justice at every turn,even changing our once proud democracy..that's a rhetorical question.but your choice matters in life if you believe you'll be judged inevitably in your final demise.
Replyprincesskitycat
More than a month agoI really cringe when cis folks write about a transwoman of experience but this article isn’t written by Eva it’s her asking questions from transwoman and then her final thoughts, so i like this article.
ReplyPart of the blame of transwoman dating men in secret is to do with us by allowing this happen.
But in past 15 years men’s attitudes towards transwomen in Australia have shifted a tiny bit.
And partially because we have all said enough is enough, either take me as I am or you have nothing. And that’s because a lot of us have taught and educated eachother and our young ones to only be involved with guys who are proud to be with you and not be ashamed of you.
There are so many men now who don’t care and aren’t ashamed they love us and are proud of us.
Men on AMM is a whole different story, yes they want to be private and guess what so do I, that’s why I’m on here lol..
My gender is not a dirty secret.
MilkyMilo
More than a month agoGreat article!
ReplyI’ve dated trans girls in the past and, luckily, I was mature enough to have abided by these points.
Fighting for trans rights is an interesting point and very valid if you intend on genuinely dating trans women. Noted!
hornycpl333
More than a month agoGreat article! Trans women are the best!
ReplyDesirable4u
More than a month agothank you Eva ox
ReplyTheRealDeal73
More than a month agoInteresting, but one thing that sticks out is a comment that was made, it said that trans women are women they think of themselves as women which is great, but get up set that they arent introduced as a trans woman,. If you think your a woman than why get pissed cos the guy introduced you as a woman instead of trans woman. To that's a little hypocritical. You can't have it both ways
ReplyAnnandalesparky
More than a month agoGreat article!
ReplyAs usual, well written and informative.
LegsLicious
More than a month agoOh and God ibhate it when people tell me I'm brave. Brave for doing what? I discovered the parental lie about my body 14 years ago. When "Transgender" wasn't even a social term outside a few males watching porn secretly.
ReplyWhat's brave, is a transwoman who tolerates people telling her she's brave.
LegsLicious
More than a month agoYou'd be stunned how many AMM male and female members call me a Tranny, or Chick with a Dick, or a bloke, or a man in a dress.
I even have, unfortunately, a brief description of why I'm not trans in my profile.
I'm not Trans. Transwoman don't have periods. Telling me I am is abuse. The same abuse that I endured as a Child, which ironically as many on AMM are parents would hate their child to experience.
Thankfully there are some men who are nice.
Unfortunately, I'm Lesbian, so finding women is as Impossibly difficult for me as it is for a male finding a woman.
And women thave told me they are intimidated by me because I'm attractive, intelligent, talented, confident, and carry myself well.
Isn't that why every woman wants?
DeliciousEva
More than a month agoJust wanna pop in and say I went to your profile and its excellent. Sucks people don't read them often enough.
Good luck in your search! xx
LegsLicious
More than a month agoThanks :)
I also get told my profile scares girls away :/
Casualbiguy
More than a month agoGreat article, and hugely informative. As a pansexual guy I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve fallen into one or two of these mistakes in the past. I have great respect and admiration for the bravery and honesty of all trans people, so I pledge to do better in the future
Replyletsplaynow66
More than a month agoI love Trans women and I find it hard to find them I wish I could find trans for fwb.
Replykatelee63
More than a month agoTranswoo
ReplyHi I am post op Trans and honestly I am proud of making my change. After reading this article it has opened my eyes to the pain we girls feel with the (opposite) sex ha ha!
I have kept my transition a closely guarded secret after being abused for just having my ears pierced,
go figure!.
I am honestly in love with my new life,
Unfortunately I had spent faaaaar to my time in my old shoes!
I really enjoyed reading your article it just made me feel so much better knowing that other people are feeling the same way and have the same expectations
Alicewho
More than a month agothank you so much for sharing some of our concerns, I truly hope guys will read it and take notice. I know I told a few guys that the message wasn't sinking into about the up coming article and they have read it and went ...oh shit ... " i need to rethink my approach" once again thank you for putting our experiences out there
ReplyRecudes43
More than a month agoLoved loved this article and presenting the viewpoint of trans people in such a candid way. I think the way one treats a trans person speaks a lot about a person's maturity.
ReplyHaving a coffee or drink or going to an event with a trans person should be no different from doing the same with a cis person.
Men, you will get looks from people, that's the sad state of the society we dwell in. But are you "man" enough to grant your partner the respect and dignity she deserves.
MasculineFtM
More than a month agoGreat read, Eva. Thank you for including *trans folk as one of your article topics. If you intend on doing one on trans men in any regard, you're more than welcome to contact me for any information or help. Keep up the good work AMM authors!
ReplySeafordTrans76
More than a month agoThankyou,thankyou, for once I didnt have to say much here, relief at last.great author.!!
ReplyTranstastic16
More than a month agoAll good advice. It's pretty obvious to me day in and day out that no guy reads this!
Replyitsourtime
More than a month agoLovely written article makes you understand more about who we are and can be in a honest world .. I’m so lucky to have a partner who encourages me and my love to express my love to be feminine...
ReplyTosca99
More than a month agoBeautifully written. Just imagine one day not needing to have to write such an article. We are who we are.
ReplyHillshornyduo
More than a month agoGreat article :)
Replybambilovebris
More than a month agoa nice blunt informative piece. as trans women we all have differing experiences and expectations. However they may vary they revolve around all those topics. it is very simple in reality, my gender is not my sexuality these are 2 very distinctly different topics.
neotheonly
More than a month agoThat’s a very interesting point
Account Closed
More than a month agowhen i lived life as a man i was straight sexually, as a woman i am still straight sexually, hormones assisted to correct my gender not change my sexuality
BBWmature
More than a month agoGreat article....we all just want to be treated with respect! I can relate to some of these issues...I’m a big girl & find lots of men want to fuck me but rarely would any of them be seen in public with me! Good luck girls...it ain’t easy out there!
Account Closed
More than a month agoI'm bbw and I was having the same thoughts reading their comments about guys not dating in public.
MsShazza94
More than a month agoYes BBW lovers often keep the bigger girl at home for sex but don't take her out. I avoid guys who talk about being chubby chasers or BBW lovers.
Love me not my fat bits
LegsLicious
More than a month agoGish I'm a size 10 and all I get are guys hitting on me in public, on a bus, at a bust stop, on a train, ferry, night club, restaurant.
Femme Invisibility is Real. Wish girls would hit on me.
Account Closed
More than a month agoI would not sleep with anyone that refers to me as a ‘ BBW ‘ period. You aren’t about to meet men that want to date you on here, you are on the wrong site if you think that’s what you’ll find. I’ve been married and another long term relationship. I meet men easily, I’ve always carried weight. Not every man I meet I would date, you have to be selective. If you are desperate, they’ll sense that a mile away. Respect yourself enough to wait for someone worthy of your time and energy :) sex is sex, dating someone that moves you on all le ems is another ball game entirely.
BBWmature
More than a month agoHave never thought I’d meet Mr Right on here, I’m just here for fun! It was a general statement sympathetic to the article & transgenders being judged!
Latelygirl
More than a month agoCongratulations Eva on a fantastic feature on ‘trans respect’. If your contributors Penny and Alice are who I think they might be I know both of them to be very wonderful women. Before lockdown I would see Penny and our other trans friends at social gatherings. I cant thank them or you enough for this very important expose. Best wishes
ReplyFran ‘latelygirl’
SSExplorer
More than a month agoThat is a very good article. I find I am attracted to trans women as they are usually close to what my mind feels is beautiful in a woman. As a couple we would adore to have a mff relationship with a trans woman as much as a cis woman. Our stumbling block is that with either we need privacy as being a family couple society isn’t ready to accept couples dating others just yet. I can see this being construed that we are hiding because of being trans. If I was a single guy I would have no issue with dating a trans woman just the same as a cis woman and would love walking down the street with my arm wrapped around the hottest girl in town :)
Replylogical01
More than a month agoVery good article, respect a person for whom they are, not any preconceived ideas or believes you may have, be they a hangover from the past. A woman is a woman so treat her as such, if you can't walk her into a restaurant, a movie or a party with your friends or family then it's you that has the problem, not her, if she's good enough to want, be proud enough to show her off..
ReplyJeanMichele
More than a month agoWow
Reply