Adult Match Maker prides itself on being a diverse, inclusional meeting place full of wonderful people from all walks of life and all sexualities and preferences. We cater to everything from video chat rooms to sexy events all across Australia. We provide informative content and blogs as well as light-hearted fun and observations from some of Australia's top psychologists and sexperts, and our main goal is to create amazing connections between like-minded people and lose the bullshit and stigma around sex and sexual practices. We believe in fun, openness, respect and consent and, for the most part, we achieve that daily. It's no secret that sexually diverse and open people are usually far more accepting and tolerant of differences than the sexually repressed, however there's one area we as sexually open minded adults need to work on: The way we talk to and with trans people.
When talking to people who identify as trans there are some things you really do not need to say, ask, speculate on or mention. It's often completely innocent and not meant to offend, but regardless of the intent, it can come across as patronising, ignorant and, yes, sometimes downright offensive. Here are our tips on what not to say.
Have You Still Got Your Bits?
Whether talking to a male to female or a female to male trans person this is an offensive question. It is highly private and personal and not up to you to bring up in conversation, no matter how “important” you think it may be. If the person wants to disclose it they will. They will in their profile or in their conversations to you. It is not your place to bring it up.
If you are absolutely only interested in meeting a trans person that has or has not had surgery then find profiles etc that state it specifically. There are plenty of them. That way you will know and not need to ask. If it is not listed, that is their prerogative and their right.
Will You Have The Op?
Like above, this is a highly personal and private question. Especially if it has not been disclosed to you. There are so many reasons why people decide to have or not have surgery and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. At all. Stop asking.
Can I See?
Seriously. What is it with this obsession with other people's genitals? Like okay, I get that sex and genitals go together, but like I have mentioned twice already, unless they choose to disclose to you what is between their legs, it is not your right to ask. Asking to see is actually gross and disrespectful and abusive. It's the equivalent of “show us yer tits” called out to women walking down the street or having your butt groped on public transport. Don't do it.
How Do You Have Sex?
Like all the above, no. Just no. Do not ask this question. It is none of your business! If you are lucky enough to find yourself about to have sex with someone then you know what? You'll find out. But to cater to your voyeuristic fantasies and way-too-personal obsession with other people's genitalia and sex life? No.
Yes I understand chats and flirts and sexy texts can lead to these areas of conversation and that's a little different. In those cases the conversations are often fluid and end up getting to that anyway... And again, if you're lucky enough to get to that stage with anyone – gay, straight, trans, cis, then you're probably gonna find out anyway without making someone else feel like a freak show exhibit.
I've Always Wanted A Trans Friend
What? Why? Is this like a collectors thing? Like I have all the Harry Potter Bobbleheads except Dumbledore and I really need him to finish my collection...?
People are not things to be put on a shelf or to be categorised like this. What do you think a trans friend would bring to your life that is different to, I don't know, just having a friend? It makes no sense. Do you also want an Asian friend and a red-head? Do you get a special badge when you collect the set?
Seriously. This is a dumb thing to say and an offensive idea.
Cisgender is Bullshit and Made Up and Totally Discriminatory
No. No it isn't. Firstly the word cis is derived from the latin word meaning “On the Side Of” and is (in basic basic terms) used in chemistry to identify atoms that lie on the same side of a molecule. When put together with the word “gender” it is (again, in basic basic terms) to describe people who identify their gender with the genitalia they were born with. For example I am cis. I was born with a vagina and I identify as a woman, where as a transgender person may have been born with a vagina but identifies as a male. Both cis and trans people can be straight, gay or asexual and, at this time in history, this labelling is actually necessary in many ways. Yes, we are all humans and in an ideal world labels like this would be unnecessary. But here's the thing, we do not live in an ideal world and as much as many of us are fighting for, and striving for, a time where labels such as Gay or Trans or Cis are no longer needed or relevant, to create that world we actually need to recognise the differences between us. By doing that we can work towards specific changes in laws and recognition of rights for specific people who face specific challenges. If you are one of these people who believe these labels are not necessary, thank your lucky stars for living a privileged life of non-discrimination and acceptance.
That Wasn't Offensive!
You know what? You actually do not get to decide what someone does or does not find offensive, and this goes double or even triple when it comes to situations that are not part of your lived experience. It may not be offensive to you. That's fine. It may not be offensive to another trans person you know. That's fine too. But if someone tells you “That was offensive” don't argue that it wasn't, that it was just a joke, calm down... Say sorry, and don't do it again.
It really is pretty simple. Trans people are not freaks or fetishes, nor are they the subject of curiosity or experimentation. They are people who deserve respect and consent like everyone else. Many questions you ask about sex and genitals can actually be really triggering and uncomfortable for people who have spent years suffering from dysphoria and other people's prejudices and they really don't need it from someone who might like to date or have sex with them.
Like mentioned above, Adult Match Maker has a huge selection of wonderfully diverse people and within our pages you will find someone who will tick all your boxes without you having to embarrass yourself or them by asking invasive and offensive questions.
It's not rocket science.... It's just respect.