Being sex positive doesn’t mean I'll hook up with you

Woman with a cute bum wearing a man's white shirt backlit against window

I’m assertive, sexy, sex positive and open-minded … but when it comes to hooking up, don’t assume I’m ‘down to fuck’.

Don’t get me wrong - I love sex. I’ve experimented with all sorts of adventurous activities - kink, swinging, open relationships, to name a few. I’m a huge fan of Dan Savage and his ‘good, giving and game’ philosophy - I’m good at sex, I love pleasing my partners, and I’m open to trying new things. Basically, I consider myself a ‘sex positive’ gal.

In recent years, sex positivity has become the gold standard for dating and hooking up. Sex-positivity is an approach to sex that champions personal choice and avoids moral judgment. To me, being sex-positive means believing that sex can be fun and pleasurable, rejecting the idea that it’s shameful or harmful, and supporting everyone’s right to have the kind of sex they want.

It’s important to know that sex positivity isn’t the same thing as having a lot of sex. It’s more about your attitude - not being ashamed of yourself and not judging others. You can be monogamous - or celibate - and still be sex positive. You can be asexual, and not want sex at all, but still respect what other people choose to get up to in the bedroom.

Similarly, just because I’m sex positive doesn’t mean I’ll fuck anyone. Sometimes it means I decide not to. And if you don’t understand this, you’re going to miss out.

I suspect that many of the people I meet online think ‘sex-positive’ is just another term for ‘promiscuous’. They either classify women as ‘good girls’, who follow strict social rules such as abstinence or monogamy, or ‘sluts’, who have sex even if it’s socially unacceptable. Because I’m willing to discuss my sexual desires without shame, they assume I’ll fuck anyone and that they don’t need to make an effort.

Over time I've had two profiles on Adult Match Maker - one for hook ups and one for long-term relationships - and I found I was treated very differently on each. When using my ‘relationships’ profile, people would chat with me, tell me about themselves, and show an interest in my life, work, and hobbies. But when I was logged into my ‘hook ups’ account, the folks I match with (who are often, but not always, guys) tend to cut to the chase. ‘Can I come over?’ ‘Are you DTF?’ They’re shocked when I say ‘no’, as if they’re expecting me to drop my drawers at the very first contact.

Sure, I’m sex-positive. But there are plenty of reasons I still might choose not to have sex with you. Here are a few:

I need to feel safe before we have sex

This means I need to get to know you enough to trust that you’ll respect my boundaries. When guys say ‘just come over to mine’ my immediate answer is ‘hell, no!’ Safety is a big deal - I’m going to want to talk to you online for a while and meet in a safe public place before we decide to be alone together. This especially applies if we’re getting up to anything kinky - BDSM activities such as bondage can be dangerous in the wrong hands, and I’m very careful who I trust when it comes to these kinds of advanced sex moves.

I want to make sure we’re compatible in the bedroom

Do we want the same type of relationship? Are we into the same kinks? I need to know what you do and don’t like and have an idea of your rules and boundaries. I need to know what type of encounter we’re planning on having - is it a one-off, a ‘friend with benefits’ situation, or are we looking for something long term? To get all this stuff straight, we need to engage in quite a bit of conversation. You can’t skip this stuff, if you want to ensure good sex (and avoid drama).

I want to make sure we share some sexual chemistry

There’s a widespread assumption that casual sex is trivial, and your choice of partner doesn’t matter. But in my experience the opposite is true - the quality of the sex we have together is determined by how well we connect. I want all my sexual encounters to be high-quality, even if they’re just one night stands. That means getting to know you a little before meeting up, to make sure we click.

It’s a cruel irony that when I openly admit I want sex, I tend to get laid less. Often, the people I meet online start behaving badly and treating me with disrespect. They might refuse to have a friendly conversation, skip straight to the dirty talk often in their initial message, or try to pressure me into extreme sexual acts before we’ve even met in person.

When I start to feel uncomfortable or unsafe, I’m turned off and I shut the conversation down. I’m left feeling frustrated - I’m offering them exactly what they want, so why can’t they be bothered to treat me like a human being? I suspect the blokes I’ve ditched feel hurt and confused too. I can imagine them thinking, “You said you wanted sex, why won’t you just give it to me?” They think that just because I’ve replied to their message, they’re going to get laid...and they don’t understand they need to do better than, ‘WYD?’

Assuming someone will fuck you just because they’re sex-positive is a form of self-sabotage - don’t do it! It reminds me of those cringey movie awards moments when actors think they’ve won the Oscar, and get up out of their seats before they realise someone else’s name has been called. Expecting sex without connection or conversation shows poor judgement, and might make your potential match feel like they’re being used. 

Instead, slow down. Take some time to work out whether you get along with them. Make it clear you don’t expect anything, but that you’re open to discussing the possibilities. This approach means less pressure and more connection - and there’s a greater chance they’ll want to meet you in person.

Stop assuming that ‘casual sex’ means ‘no effort required’ and that ‘sex positive’ means ‘promiscuous’. Don’t act like you’ve won the Oscar until you’ve actually got a green light. By making an effort - and not expecting sex from everyone you chat up, no matter how sex positive they are - you’re much more likely to get laid.

45 comments

  • Madhaze74

    Madhaze74

    More than a month ago

    This is exactly what I have been going through this week! Thank you so much for this! I am sharing this vigorously! Not enough exclamation points!!!

    Reply
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    Sings.

    More than a month ago

    Hi Georgie, this is exactly the way my life is and you wrote it just as it should be. I am exactly this person and if more people understood it, they would notice why more women and men feel this way. I hope more people take the time to read it. Thank you for such a great article

    Reply
  • MyMrsHasCurves

    MyMrsHasCurves

    More than a month ago

    Agree with some of the comments here and kudos to you for writing this articulate and well thought out collection of insights. We think even the most promiscuous lady with a penchant for being roughly handled deserves the single most important element when engaging in her positivity, whether with one or many partners, and that is to feel safe. The character who will provide a safe engagement will always make the extra effort in treating a prospective fling with transparency, a little vulnerability and above all else respect

    Reply
  • BluWren333

    BluWren333

    More than a month ago

    Yay spoken in ways I couldn't have, but resonate with so much. Thank you!

    Reply
  • SweetestSins

    SweetestSins

    More than a month ago

    Story of my life lol

    Reply
  • SassyJoJo49

    SassyJoJo49

    More than a month ago

    Love this. As soon as I say I don't want a relationship and I won't be exclusive I get treated as "less than" the conversation tone shifts and I'm made to feel like some kind of whore. Thank you for this article - it is bang on (pardon the pun) money. I'm down for sex but I want a connection, a laugh, a spark first.

    Reply
  • Play4Fun21

    Play4Fun21

    More than a month ago

    Great article Georgie. Relate 100%.

    Reply
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    Makk35

    More than a month ago

    On point!!!, I know what blokes can be like ( I am one lol ) but I don't understand what they are thinking when just put it on a chick like would they be like that if it were face to face, probably not they'd get slapped in the face.. but chicks can also be like this, don't get me wrong I love sex but I what to know a bit about someone before we meet up, I think there needs to be a connection in a few areas for ppl to be comfortable enough an want to catch up.. both men and women need to read this.....

    Reply
  • Notsonewnow

    Notsonewnow

    More than a month ago

    Should be made compulsive reading for all males, so they get it!

    Reply
  • OOBiFemmeOO

    OOBiFemmeOO

    More than a month ago

    Great article and all so true

    Reply
  • AKiss2StartWith

    AKiss2StartWith

    More than a month ago

    Wowwwww.......Great article
    Georgie ...plus I am enjoying reading the comments of others....Its all so very true .....

    Reply
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    aPussyLicker4U

    More than a month ago

    Hey Georgie,
    You have written a great article here.
    Its easy to see from the number of comments below that you have really struck a chord with so many here on AMM.
    Keep up the good work.

    Reply
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    Wearefree

    More than a month ago

    I totally agree with Georgie. Whilst I love sex that does not mean I am going to do it with just anyone. I have to know a little about the other person and then I will make up my mind. I know this sounds a little strange coming from a male but that is just who I am. Your prefence for sex is your business and if it is not up my alley, then it just will not happen. Great article Georgie.

    Reply
  • missdaisy.

    missdaisy.

    More than a month ago

    This is a very insightful article which should be required reading for all potential sex partners. Thank you

    Reply
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    ispywithmy

    More than a month ago

    It’s a good article, provides a great description of sex positive, but I think that have a huge ratio of guys to girls (10 : 1), will never help the situation.

    Reply
  • BelleBelle2477

    BelleBelle2477

    More than a month ago

    Great article. Thanks. I'm a women who loves sex, and loves to feel and look sexy but I still need to feel a connection with my sexual partners. It seems that my need to chat and see if the connection is there is percieved as ' I want to fuck you' I think even I've been confused about this at times. This article really hit a note with me.

    Reply
  • Jessyj

    Jessyj

    More than a month ago

    A well written article....thank you Georgie! The more informed we become the better we understand each other. After all (to quote) “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus! “ For men and women to understand each other, we need to be in the same page!!

    Reply
  • SweetDesire26

    SweetDesire26

    More than a month ago

    Thanks Georgie for this article as it needed to be said . I am so glad as guys think its just lets fuck . I am sex postive but not willing to accept anything that is not me .

    Reply
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    DeeJayBee

    More than a month ago

    Hope a lot of guys here read this. Quality much prefered to quanity. A shame sexual honesty and openess still brands you a slut.

    Reply
  • SmurfsCock

    SmurfsCock

    More than a month ago

    Hi Georgie, I must say I really enjoyed your very eloquent explanation of the experiences you found here. Reading your article made me realise that Ive been prone to make so of those expectations as a male & failed. I just wanted to say thank you for opening my eyes & I look forward to better days ahead with a broader mindset & expectations. Thanks again.

    Reply
  • Goingforth2020

    Goingforth2020

    More than a month ago

    I have penned a number of poems about my experiences on AMM and here is one
    On this AMM dating site I Constantly read “I wish I lived closer to you because
    A woman matured like fine wine
    Has always been a fantasy of mine”
    While others message down the line
    I am passing through Byron in a few days time
    And I reckon we would
    get along just fine
    I hear these claims day after day
    So I send this reply back without delay
    “You and hundreds of other frisky colts have echoed the same
    Claiming that they have a fantasy to fuck an old dame
    ‘It’s on my bucket list’
    Some virile ponies often insist
    But although I am no wouser
    I do grow weary of the endless parade of snakes in the trousers
    All wanting to fulfil their older woman fantasy one day
    However there is only of me
    So your argument doesn’t hold sway
    Because I have no intention of winning the Guinness book of record
    For the 79 year old woman that scored
    The highest number of fucks
    From the hundreds of boning up frisky virile bucks
    Now if you think that sucks
    Remember that although I am Sex positive it does not equate to indiscriminately fucking every Tom Dick and Harry
    And believe it or not there are good reasons why I tarry
    You see I use my own moral standards and innate knowing
    To help guide me to keep on growing
    And by tuning in to my inner voices
    hopefully means I will be guided to make an informed choices
    So I need to make it clear
    That unfortunately as you do not live near
    There is no way we can establish if we are indeed a match
    And just for the record I don’t consent to share my snatch
    Unless there is trust honesty integrity and respect in place
    So if you think sex positive means bonking Willy Nilly you may need to have an about face
    But I wish you well and hope you won’t think ill if me
    Because we all have the right to choose our own destiny
    Julie

    • triXXXi66

      triXXXi66

      More than a month ago

      Wow Julie, thats a great bit of writing! Hits some nails directly on the head! Good on you! Trix

    • Goingforth2020

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Thanks Trix I have hundreds of poems inspired from Internet dating

    Reply
  • motorcade

    motorcade

    More than a month ago

    Just learned that I am "sex positive" apparently. The guys who think "Hello" means "I've agreed to fuck" are sadly more numerous than the ones who know that hello means hello. The good thing is that in the time I've been on amm that is changing for the better. Hopefully next we will get people who chat in the cam room of a sex site who don't shame people who cam; in the cam room; of a sex site!

    Reply
  • Bunnings4u

    Bunnings4u

    More than a month ago

    Very relatable, in many ways and with the comments other ladies have made.
    I'm sex positive and happy to be so..

    Reply
  • MsCupCake

    MsCupCake

    More than a month ago

    I wish more people understood what “sex positive” actually meant.
    Thoroughly enjoyed reading your article!!
    Thank you Georgie.

    Reply
  • SSW800

    SSW800

    More than a month ago

    So very true.. thanks Georgie

    Reply
  • Sexynewme

    Sexynewme

    More than a month ago

    What a wonderful article .it really puts into perspective that I’m normal and I am sex positive . Thank you for writing this article .

    Reply
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    JustBack4Now

    More than a month ago

    One of the best articles I have read,thoroughly enjoyed and agreed with totally.I hope alot of people read this.well written Georgie.

    Reply
  • Happy1965

    Happy1965

    More than a month ago

    Thank you Georgie, if I had the skill to I could have written this article myself it is so close to my experience. Like SurrelLife, I'm going to use a like to this article as my reply then next time it happens....and it will happen.

    Reply
  • Plushbunny

    Plushbunny

    More than a month ago

    This is a fantastic article and is me exactly. A great one to refer guys to who don't quite " get it".

    Reply
  • SurrealLife

    SurrealLife

    More than a month ago

    Thank you so much for writing this article. Last night I had a creep whose opening line was ‘do you like pegging!’ On another occasion, the guy was asking how I like to be fucked and didn’t even ask my name! Then there’s the ones who don’t even bother to read my profile which makes it very clear how I like to be approached. It’s so frustrating and a waste of time. A link to this article will be my reply from now on! Thank you. xxx

    Reply
  • Schnucki

    Schnucki

    More than a month ago

    I love you!! Thank you so much for saying what I’ve been thinking but unable to articulate!! Amazing!

    Edit- also being labeled a time waster really annoys me too ..

    • SurrealLife

      SurrealLife

      More than a month ago

      I agree! Or… you’ve chatted for a bit, had a phone call and then called a ‘prick teaser’ because I didn’t feel a connection!

    • Schnucki

      Schnucki

      More than a month ago

      I love your profile btw- mine used to be more like that on another site but then thought I’d run the gauntlet on here snd see what happens. I now want to be a paying member so I can message you to discuss the finer arts on how yo attach stockings to suspenders without pulling a muscle and gossip lol.

    • SurrealLife

      SurrealLife

      More than a month ago

      Hi hon, they’re ‘stay ups’ by Fox and Royal. They’re much easier than stockings and suspenders belts. They stay up very well. Stop by and say hi.

    Reply
  • MsShazza94

    MsShazza94

    More than a month ago

    This is so my story. I love sex and have had a variety of friends/lovers/partners but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with anyone that asks. Connection, similar interests, an ability to communicate, it’s all so important.

    Reply
  • 3D_guy

    3D_guy

    More than a month ago

    love this, thanks for posting... it's right on point in a world where we're so focused on instant gratification, and applies to both men, women, and everyone in between. Taking the time to banter can lead to some mind blowing encounters, if you're patient and treat people with respect.

    • Play4Fun21

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Exactly.

    Reply
  • phoenix1323

    phoenix1323

    More than a month ago

    So much this! No matter how clear you are in your profile, there’s those that either don’t read it, or read it and ignore everything in it. The line “ .. well, you’re on a sex site!” annoys the hell out of me.
    I have my own personal rules for myself. I do not hook up straightaway, and anyone that pushes that point is blocked. If you can’t respect me and what I want online, you sure as heck aren’t getting anything in person.

    Reply
  • Repeatoffender1

    Repeatoffender1

    More than a month ago

    Totally agree. I'm over the expectation that just because I'm on this site, it means I'll have sex with whoever. I love intimacy but wow there are some pushy males out there that just don't get it.

    Reply
  • BBWmature

    BBWmature

    More than a month ago

    So many just get blocked now because of this behaviour. It’s so off putting & many missed opportunities! Too many assumptions made when you put yourself on a hook-up site.

    Reply
  • TuzzaSparkles

    TuzzaSparkles

    More than a month ago

    I couldn't have said it better myself! Very well written, I can relate to all of it.

    Reply
  • Darkstud

    Darkstud

    More than a month ago

    Thanks for sharing. Honestly, I have had my rejections too in my sexplorations but always did understand that the woman had her reasons to say so and took it in my stride.

    Reply
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