Learn the subtle art of conversation to get more sex

Attractive couple sharing cocktails and conversation

When it comes to finding play partners using online adult dating, being able to engage someone’s interest using the subtle art of conversation or banter is what takes us from ‘possibly interested’ to ‘definitely banging’.

I’ll admit, I prefer being direct. It’s served me well throughout my adult life, from dancefloor flirting (that the other person didn’t always pick up on until I said something), to awkward first meetings (when my date was relieved I’d told them how I was feeling!) When we make our intentions known, it becomes easier to get what we want.

But it’s not the whole picture. The key to having great sex isn’t just asking - it’s also about connection. And if you want to succeed at online dating, never underestimate the power of a good conversation!

These days, the internet makes it easy for us to find casual hook ups and fuck buddies - just put it in your online dating profile, or approach those who do, right? But there’s a side effect to this method, and it’s downright annoying. Often, I’ll get messages from guys online who have seen my ‘casual sex’ profile. They say, ‘Hey, when should we meet up?’ Because I’m looking for sex, these dudes assume I’m down to fuck anyone. Instead of having a polite conversation, they want to skip straight to the fun stuff.

When it comes to hooking up, talking first isn’t optional ... it’s essential. Just because a woman is on a sex dating website doesn’t mean she’s going to fall into your lap. She needs to feel safe and feel a connection. There’s a lot that holds women back from casual sex - knowing that someone will respect their boundaries and have good consent practices, for example. This stuff matters! And that means we need to get to know someone before we meet, to work out if they’re right for us.

Even if you’re just swapping jokes or talking about the last movie you saw, there’s a lot of subtext - your potential sex buddy will be using those conversations to decide whether to progress things further. If you’re falling over at this stage - if your initial chats never seem to lead to dates - maybe you need to work on your banter? Here’s how to use the art of good conversation to make a good first impression, prove you’re a great lay, and take things from the chatroom to the bedroom.

Learn how to create a genuine connection 

Is there a connection? If you have nothing in common, it’s not going to work. We all prefer to be around people we like and share interests with. Talking is how we work this out.  

You can build connection by asking questions and being curious about the person (not just focusing on whether you’re going to get sex). This is impossible to fake - you need to be genuinely interested. I often ask myself: ‘I wonder what this person is into? I wonder what sort of life experiences they’ve had, and what I can learn from them? How are they feeling right now? What might make them happy?’ Even if I don’t know the answers, it helps me pay attention to what they’re saying.

Useful lines:

  • “I’d love to know a bit about you. What’s your life story in three sentences?”
  • “Tell me the best thing that’s happened to you this week.”
  • “Sounds like we’re into the same kinks - want to compare notes?”

Prove you’re fun to get naked with

Online adult dating is a numbers game. Not everyone is worth it - and finding out if someone is likely to be good in bed is another important first step, before we go further.

Dan Savage uses the phrase ‘GGG’ - ‘good, giving and game.’ Are you good at sex? Are you generous towards your partner? Are you down to try new things? I’d also add, do you have a positive attitude towards sex? Are you comfortable with yourself? These factors are the difference between an incredible sexual encounter and a terrible one.

What you do is much more important than what you say. Women have all heard, ‘I’m a nice guy’ and ‘I love pleasing women’, and we know it’s not always true. If you want to show you’re genuinely good in bed, start by being open and positive about your past experiences. Show an interest in how we feel and what we want. Don’t shame us for our sexual desires or kinks, even if they’re not your thing. Be honest about your level of experience - don’t try to beef up your sexual resume! We can smell bullshit a mile off.

An honest, positive vibe, means we’re more likely to assume you’re good in bed.

Useful lines:

  • “I’ve had some good play sessions in the past. And I’ve met some really nice people.”
  • “That’s not my kink specifically, but thanks for sharing it with me.”
  • “I’m fairly new to this, but I’m learning a lot as I go. It’s been really fun.”

Show that you’re a safe person to be around

If you’ve done any online dating whatsoever, you’ll know that there are plenty of assholes out there. Feeling safe is my number one concern when I’m deciding whether to meet someone in person.

When I chat online, I spend the whole time trying to figure out whether others respect my needs and feelings, because it’s a good indicator of how they’ll treat me in real life. Note: safety is not just for women! Everyone’s safety matters, both physical and emotional. Coming home from a date with your self-esteem crushed because you’ve been treated badly is a really awful experience.

It starts with the small stuff. Not pushing for sex or nude selfies, asking their opinion and advice, being comfortable with disagreement, and respecting their boundaries. Again, this is something you need to demonstrate; you can say ‘trust me’ but it won’t ring true. Instead, ask what they need to feel safe. Show that you understand that this stuff matters.

Useful lines:

  • “I’d love to talk in person. Where do you feel most comfortable meeting up?”
  • “Totally understand if you don’t want to hook up straight away. I’m happy to meet and then see how you feel.”
  • “I feel like we’re sexually compatible! Should we chat about what we’d get up to if we played together? Feel free to say no if you’re not ready to talk about that yet!”

Good banter isn’t optional ... it’s essential

Just because someone is ‘down to fuck’ doesn’t mean they’ll jump into bed with the first stranger they meet. When you understand the value of good conversation, you can use it to your advantage.

Take an interest in your date, and you’ll create a connection that will encourage them to take things further. Demonstrate you’re a good lay, and they might be more enthusiastic about getting naked with you. And if you can show you’re a safe person to be around, they’re more likely to see you as a good choice for a sexual adventure.

Banter, if you do it right, can take your online interactions into the real world and lead to some VERY fun experiences. It’s well worth the effort.


Have your say! Login to comment.
  • niceguymal


    More than a month ago

    very informative and an essential for those looking to dive into or perhaps sharpen or hone their skills.

  • barkly48


    More than a month ago

    That is all well and good, but how do you get the women to actually read the message in the first place? So many messages sent and I reckon only 10% are read, and then only 10% of them are replied to.... I consider that I write a reasonable message, not a one-liner that says "hey", or "how about a f&%$"? I put some effort in to selling myself, but all to no avail.....

    • Photos in private gallery


      More than a month ago

      Could not agree any more

    • AMM.Editor


      More than a month ago

      Remember that the person you are messaging can already see the first line of your message so they don't need to click on it to read it. That first line determines if most women will open it to read the rest of the message. The second mistake we notice a lot of guys make is they send a message and then give access to their Private Gallery. So the member sees the last message sent. 30-40% of Inbox for female members would show "I've given you access to my private gallery" so a. they don't even see your first message and b. they assume it will be a gallery of cock photos. As the article says you need to spark that conversation with your first message to get a reply. I also recommend you read Nicole's blog article "How to talk a woman into bed" and read the comments from women!

    • barkly48


      More than a month ago

      Thanks for the reply, Editor.... Not being able to see how my messages show up in someone else's inbox certainly helps to understand what you have explained. I always add my PG (which DOESN'T contain R rated), because I thought women would like to see more (face) pics of me... seems one is already enough...!! My messages contain much more than one line so I guess I'm wasting my time, or they are missing out on a story... Thanks for your hints anyway

  • BeachBabe13


    More than a month ago

    A lot of people on dating sites should read this.

  • IndianSpice94


    More than a month ago

    See this is why I do talk alot and ask questions but women on here don't get it...

  • INFJBrett81


    More than a month ago

    I'm seeing these issues as a hetero male too, it seems like empathy and basic respect is in short supply

  • FrankieNBruce


    More than a month ago

    Do not for a minute think that this just happens to females, we are a couple whose reasons for being here a clearly detailed in our profile, however people think that they can send a photo of their dick or pussy or heaven forbid them fucking each other and that is supposed to make us immediately want to jump into bed with them without any dialogue whatsoever. Really?

  • Mischeviouslad


    More than a month ago

    I see these comments and my eyes roll.

    I mean, who knew that communication to paint the image of being safe, engaging and fun was an effective connection tool..... and that acting like a dribbling sex offender who only considers women as a hole to masturbate inside of.... .. was not an appealing approach!!

    Er Everyone knew!

    But I take issue with the article heading in that it suggests to do this to gain a sexual outcome... and thereby could result in deceptive manipulation

    So how about we all just be decent humans with interest in who others actually are to determine if matching is a good idea.... and not simply how we can get into their pants because we like their photo

    Just sayin

  • Succubus90


    More than a month ago

    Can you please send this to all men on this site?!

    • Aries4000

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      It should be mandatory reading, yes!

  • triXXXi66


    More than a month ago

    That's one of the biggest things for me/us is being able to make a good connection through messaging. If you cant express yourself by message where you actually have time to think about what comes out then I doubt you will impress in person where things just blurt out. It is essential to make a brain connection before a body one for me/us.

  • MissAffection


    More than a month ago

    How can I add this blog as a link to my profile to ask men to read before making contact?

    All so very true!

  • phoenix1323


    More than a month ago

    This. ALL of this. Those who are “down to fuck” are entitled to do so, and good on them if they find likeminded people to get down with. But most people , men and women, like to have a connection. I’m not a fan of one nighters, wham bam thank you ma’am’s. I like to connect with those I possibly would share my body with, for ongoing fun. I’ve formed many friendships this way, and enjoy their company still.

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