Recently surrounded by a bevy of young, single and successful beauties at a fashion event, I was shocked to learn they all passionately despised modern online dating. Here they were, highly eligible and sexy 20-30 somethings yearning for a return for the “simple” times of dating a partner face-to-face, pre-internet boom. Why?
If you’re heartbreakingly familiar with the new savage as fuck dating, sex and relationships rules/trends and terms like “breadcrumbing”, “ghosting” and even “stashing” (see notes below) that are prolific practice in online dating right now, then chances are you may have fallen out of love with online dating too.
Has online dating actually made dating a lot more complicated? Sure, online dating offers us more sex and relationship options than ever before, but how do you navigate online dating without constantly losing your mind and your heart?
Help is at hand here thanks to perennially wise Melbourne men’s relationship coach, Jared Osborne. Jared, who runs Embodying Man, is passionate about educating men and women on how to harness their sexual vitality for health, potency and improved relationships.
Here are Jared’s top three tips on to make online dating profile really work for you, in order to achieve maximum hot sex, dates and relationships.
Be authentic - match your online dating profile to your personal values
Jared’s noticed an increasing number of his male clients are finding online dating “confusing and difficult”, which he largely attributes to awkward self-presentation in their online dating profiles.
“Part of where people are really getting it wrong is not matching their online dating profile to their actual core values,” Jared says. “What excites you? What’s important to you - what values are you most looking for in a partner?
“Instead, men often write about what they think is acceptable, what people want to hear, or what they think will hook their ideal person in - they’re coming from an insecure place because they want social approval, rather than their profile actually being a proper filter for the type of partners they want to attract.”
So, get smart - does your online dating profile include a smarmy try-hard quote, or focus on your day job as an accountant, but not at all mention your burning passions for deep-sea diving, sex in the outdoors and mountain climbing?
“You’ve got to be authentic,” says Jared. “How else are you going to get anywhere?
“Be willing to play with your profile and see what response comes back. Be real about what your dating criteria is – be really specific and say what it is that you want in a partner! That’s going to turn off a whole bunch of people, and that’s awesome - it’s a great filtering mechanism and will help you attract the right people to you.”
Learn to date - when you’re looking for a partner not just a hook up
Casual sex sure has its place, but if your ultimate aim is to establish true intimacy with a partner and form a long-term relationship, you’re going to have to learn how to date, good people.
“I’m seeing a lot of confusion from men about how to use apps as a dating tool. As I understand it, women are getting a lot of attention on dating apps from guys who are really just wanting sex or who aren’t being appropriate.”
Jared says people’s social media addiction is impeding their ability to effectively communicate with prospective partners. So, you’ve got people “breadcrumbing” desperately looking for their next dopamine hit - the brain chemical behind all our sexiest behaviours and secret cravings.
“If your sense of self-worth is a little bit shaky, you’re looking for likes and attention - take the breadcrumbing example - you might have six different women on the go who are sending you sexy, flirty texts and suddenly ‘kaboom!’ - you can go back to your porn and you’ve got what you want.
“My advice to people who fall prey to these online dating games is simply this - don’t play and get played - don’t get caught up being someone’s dopamine hit popularity contest.”
Instead, developing your social skills in order to attract a suitable partner should be top of mind, Jared says. “A lot of guys do want a connection, they do want a relationship, but they’re either not sure how to bring it about or they find it too hard. It is hard being vulnerable. You’ve got to learn to embrace that vulnerability and actually date other people.”
Do your online dating research – who and where is your ideal partner?
As with all great life pursuits, sex/dating and relationships - and online “window shopping” - take precision, planning and perseverance and lots of hard work, often on yourself.
“There’s a certain section of the community who are really good at social media and communication and putting up a really good front - it’s basically smart online marketing,” Jared says.
“The good news is that these are skills you can develop. Sort out your front-of-house! Try doing things differently.
“Can’t write for shit? Do a copywriting course to learn how to write a killer online dating profile. Can’t interact with men/women? Get a dating personal trainer. Don’t know how to meet people in real life? It’s all about doing your research.
“I often ask guys: ‘Where is your ideal partner? Where does she like to hang out? What does she like to do?’ And if it’s cafes, I say ‘go to cafes!’
“Sure, meet partners online, but I also challenge a lot of my clients to then take it out to the real world too, face-to-face, once they’re sure they’re interested in someone.
“This is awesome at helping them to develop basic relationship tools and teaching them how to interact with potential partners. If you’re only on dating apps, you’re not picking up people’s social cues and body language.”
In using his pragmatic business approach to dating, Jared also advises e-daters to weed out potentially unsuitable “clients” via the Adult Match Maker Chat Room. “Stage a meeting so you can assess whether you actually like talking to the person. I find it mind-boggling that more people aren’t doing this before they arrange a date with someone.”
Top 3 worst sex/relationships terms and trends of 2017
- Breadcrumbing: No, this is not something delicious to eat - this is a brutal and manipulative dating mind game, described as the “new ghosting”, whereby potential suitors will send out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie. breadcrumbs) in order to lure new sexual partners. But - and here’s the clincher - the “breadcrumber” is just fucking with you and she/he has no intention of forming a relationship with you and/or even hooking up - they’re just not into you, but they sure as hell like your attention (and leaving you hanging, confusedly begging for more).
- Ghosting: Have you ever been “ghosted”? It’s not pretty - it’s basically the coward’s way of breaking up with you, when the person you’re dating and/or getting busy with completely disappears without a word or warning. One minute you’re making dinner plans for the next night and then - poof - like a ghost of wind, they’re gone, never to be seen or heard from again. You’ve been dumped - and your partner may have checked out on you long ago - but you’re the last to know. This brutal cutting-off all contact by the person you were dating may also see you wiped from their social media, leaving you wondering if you even had a relationship at all!
- Stashing: You’ve been dating him/her for ages now, even talking about taking things to the next level - a sexy holiday together, for example, when it dawns on you that your significant other has never introduced you to their best friends/family or dog. WTF? You, my poor friend, are a victim of stashing, a term for when someone you’re dating refuses to introduce you to anyone he or she is close to, sort of like stashing you in a drawer, away from the prying eyes of the world because they’re either ashamed of you, not sure about you or they’re just not that into you (possibly even all three). Abort!