A Single Gal’s Guide to Surviving New Year’s Eve

Now that Christmas is over (there’s still so much food in the damn fridge), we prepare ourselves for New Year’s Eve celebrations. Thankfully, we're not pressured to cook for multiple people; our plans usually consist of figuring out where to celebrate the night and what to wear.  Which is fine if you’re prepared to deal with thousands of people in one place. 

In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm there, I HATE crowds. It’s not that I get anxious or anything, I just can’t stand slow people. I would rather walk barefoot over broken glass than have to deal with slow walkers, or worse - groups of people that stand in fucking thoroughfares. 

Anyway, my partying days are well behind me - unless you let me loose on the karaoke machine at the local Irish pub. That my friends, is a wild night. I guess I’ve just never really been into New Year’s Eve celebrations. I’ve done the trekking into the city to be swarmed by what feels like a million people, I’ve watched the fireworks whilst trying to dodge crazy Kevin who’s high as a fucking kite and can’t find his mates, and I’ve DEFINITELY experienced the New Year’s kiss - with Larry, who’s absolutely trolleyed and thought he was kissing his wife. 

No mate, my name’s not Sandra. 

And then there’s the New Year’s resolutions. Those ‘commitments’ we make to ourselves to be a better person, to get fit, to save for a house. We willingly put ourselves under all that pressure to achieve some shitty goal we set when we were drunk, just to know that at this same time next year, we’ll be disappointed that we didn't fulfil it. It sounds depressing, but when you make a resolution to lose ten kilos during the next year and you end up having to buy shares in Darrel Lea because the Rocky Road is WAY too delicious and those ten kilos that you wanted to lose end up coming back with a vengeance…well, it’s a little depressing. 

Call me a party pooper, but I would prefer to sit at home with a few girlfriends, an antipasto platter, a couple of wines and the comfort of my own bed to stumble to when we’ve finally rung in the new year. This is my version of a fun time, and has been for quite a while. I’ve been single for just over two years now, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’ve gotten used to not having a romantic plan for New Year’s Eve. Not only am I eccentric as fuck, but I am so awkward when I flirt that it actually makes other people around me feel off. Figure that one out!

So, to save you the stress and heartache that I have experienced over the past years as a single woman at New Year’s Eve parties, I’ve put together a list of how to get through these occasions without losing your fucking mind: 

1. Plan Ahead

If you’re planning on heading out to a soiree or huge event, plan ahead and say these affirmations with me:

  • This will be a fun night
  • I slay in this dress
  • Don’t call Eric the Ex when I’m drunk - that ended in heartache last time. Well, it ended in heartache because he’s still a dick. Although I can probably put up with how much of a fuckwit he is if I get the D. Let’s be honest.

2. Have alcohol on you AT ALL TIMES

Heard of a flask? Yeh, they’re amazing. But you know what’s even more amazing?? Bracelet flasks are now a thing! For a measly $20, you can buy what looks like a chunky bracelet that holds around 100ml of your favourite poison, and blends in well with your other bangles from Lovisa. Trendy as. So when you’re in an awkward situation where yet another person is asking you why you’re single when you look as pretty as you do, you can just unscrew the cap on the bracelet and swig away! They’ll have no idea what you’re doing and slowly back away from you. 

3. Talk back to the voices in your head

There will be times during the New Year’s Eve party where you may be the only single person in that room. Good Lord - I fucking hope that doesn’t happen to any of you! But if it does, just talk to yourself. Get to know yourself better. No one will bother you when you’re having a conversation with someone that no one else can see. Imagine the confusion on everyone’s face when you start yelling at Invisible Brenda for forgetting the sparklers. Dumbass.  

4. Pretend you just got a phone call

We’ve all done the ‘oh, I’m getting a phone call, I’ll be right back’ white ninja routine. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Okay, in a nutshell you’re in an awkward situation and you want to leave - best and quickest way out of there is to pretend that you just got a phone call. But make it sound like you have to go somewhere urgently, or whoever is creeping on will just hang around until you're done.  

But for the love of all that is holy - turn your phone on silent just before you take this pretend phone call. I’ve been caught out before when I’ve pretended that my phone has rung, yelling frantically down the line that Frank IS allergic to pistachios (remember - make the call dramatic), and the phone ACTUALLY rings. Fuck my life.

5. There will be PDA’s EVERYWHERE 

Ya’ll know what a PDA is right? It’s Public Display of Affection. Ugh, even typing it makes me want to vomit. Being single on New Year’s Eve is made so much more obvious when everyone has someone to kiss and you don’t. The kiss is what everyone waits for. I’ve legit been in pubs where men and women walk around to find someone to smooch when the clock strikes midnight. I remember being in an Irish pub in Sydney and this guy (let’s call him Trevor) came up and macked on with me without warning. WITHOUT WARNING. Which would be fine if he looked like Channing Tatum, but in actual fact he looked like a cross between Noddy the Elf and Tinky Winky. Don’t ask. 

6. Fake It Til You Make It 

If you’re not too keen on yelling at Invisible Brenda to keep people away from you, or getting super drunk to pass the time, just wing the whole damn night. Stick with your girlfriends, find some other single souls and buckle up for a night of drunken shenanigans. 

And if all else fails and you find yourself sitting alone on the wharf in your $340 dress, crying that you will be #foreveralone, just remember that Invisible Brenda has endured the whole night being single as well. That poor bitch has a 100% chance of never finding anyone, so unscrew the cap of your bracelet flask, take a swig and offer some to her as well. Because you know as well as I do, it’s better to drink with a friend than to drink alone.

11 Comments

fuckpal
More than a month ago
You should have had a pic of a girl and a wombat.....the epitome of most men on here.....lol
Peachy1on1
More than a month ago
Try being single with an allergy for alcohol & drunks, lol, glad it's all done & dusted again for another year !
Happy new year ! Xxx
Newgirl1989
More than a month ago
Preach!
SnuggleSeeker
More than a month ago
You almost described my annual trauma perfectly... but try adding your birthday to the equation, which most friends and family forget.... yup....super day for me!
I have learnt it’s best to get out of the city until at least New Year’s Day and then everybody assumes I am ‘doing something’ since I’m not at home, and they stop trying to drag me places lol
Very nice to know that I am not alone in my misery this day haha
Account Closed
Account Closed
More than a month ago
Ha...I thought I was the only person who had a birthday on new years day.....that was of course until I heard the neighbors singing happy birthday to some other unfortunate last night, as I sat by myself at midnight sipping a beer safely seated a couple of houses and fences away, with a 6 and an 8 year old tucked up in bed. I think being a single parent, having a birthday on the 1st and a complete disregard and loathing for crowds coupled with an equal loathing of overpriced everything, slow people and straight spirits from a bracelet.....makes me a pretty safe bet that I'll be doing the same next year. But hey, from one disgruntled new years birthdayer to the next...happy birthday...oh and another thing....I'd happily trade all future NYE's for simple daylight savings in Qld....that way all the people ringing me and messaging at 11.05pm from interstate, drunk and disorientated would be no longer, nor would they have a reason to even call an hour early....Win Win I say... ha ha....have a great day.
SnuggleSeeker
More than a month ago
LOL...Happy Birthday howaboutnow73....I hear you! I don't have any power to help you with the DLS though...but you can always escape to a more progressive state ;)
Interestedpair2
More than a month ago
I love ur hair patricia as well as ur advice. thx & cheers!
SassyCupCake
More than a month ago
LOL .... Love the idea of the bracelet flask !!!
It's no easy task trying to hide a flask of Tequila when you don't take a handbag and have very few or small pockets ......

This sounds like a plan .
6. Fake It Til You Make It -- Stick with your girlfriends, find some other single souls and buckle up for a night of drunken shenanigans.

Nothing beats going out with a bunch of friends and just letting loose !

Awesome article ... Happy New Year xo
whateverwayplz
More than a month ago
Eccentricity, awkward flirting and a total dislike of crowds...have those down pat! Drinking with friends sounds great.
KinkyGirl101
More than a month ago
Nailed it! Although I'm no longer single I feel the pressure is still there for it to be a "perfect" night and perfect start to the New Year. I've done the fancy dinner at a hotel - table decorations caught fire. Fireworks both side of the bridge - where the hell is a toilet when you need one. Balmain peninsula - fuck do they really block off all parking almost to Victoria Road. I could go on but you get the point. Grab a few close friends, some alcohol and have a great night in! Happy New Year everyone.
Papillon48
More than a month ago
You almost lost me at 1) •• when I misread it as “I Stay in this dress” but the booze bracelet would have had me anyway. I mean the one negates the other, yes?
Great read. Happy NY
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