As a feminist sex writer I can tell you I’ve written my fair share of “what men don’t know about women’s [insert thing about women that men don’t know]” articles. I don’t write them to be condescending or rude to men, I write them to inform and educate so that both women and men can benefit and create awesomely sexy and shared moments. I don’t believe anyone knows it all, and we are all constantly learning and growing and, with each new experience we have, we learn something new about ourselves or someone else.
A Tug and a Flick
When it comes to female masturbation and writing about it the blogs and “OMG guys THIS is where the clitoris is” articles are everywhere these days. It’s awesome and exciting for women to finally have such a huge wealth of information available for themselves and more interest and education about their sexual bodies, and I am in no way complaining (hell, I’ve written at least five of them myself), but I’ve noticed a bit of a gap lately in pieces talking to women about male masturbation.
Yes, I know male masturbation isn’t surrounded with the same shame and taboo as female masturbation. Boys having a tug is talked about in so many areas and by so many mediums, and the permission for them to sexually express themselves is sometimes so overt that it seems like we probably don’t even need to talk about it, but I think we do.
Not for the same reasons as I write about women’s masturbation etc, because the focus is different. Men don’t need to be told that it’s okay, that it’s normal, that everyone does it. Men are pretty aware of their down there, but I think it’s important to discuss it with women and to settle certain myths that I see crop up in forums and women’s groups.
Is He Masturbating Because I Don’t Satisfy Him?
This is probably the most common worry I see. Women stressing that their partner isn’t satisfied by them because they have caught them having a sneaky wank in the bathroom or something. Let me assure you THIS IS NOT TRUE! Men could have sex every day for a month and still tug off in the shower. Men can have the most mind-blowing pornstar sex they’ve ever had in their lives, and they’ll still wake up and have a wank before work. They just do! I’d say partly it’s habit (I remember a guy I know once quipped he masturbated in the shower so often he got a hard on when it rained), and partly its just a release. It’s relaxing and feels great, and without the background of the entire history of the universe telling them it’s disgusting and wrong… Well fuck, why wouldn’t they?
He Touches Himself Differently To How He Likes You To
This is another thing that carries on from my last comments. Most of the time, for guys, masturbation is about getting off quickly and getting back to whatever they were doing. Whereas women often state that they like to seduce themselves, turn themselves on, savour and indulge in the experience, mostly for guys (from the ones I’ve been talking to about this) it’s about getting off quickly. It’s often far more vigorous and hard-fisted than he gets you to touch him, and is usually for the sole purpose of ejaculating, not necessarily the seduction and build up that playing with a partner has.
The Girls In Porn Are Not Your Competition
I have had so many women write to me worried about their partner’s porn use. The most common stress being “If he has me, a real life woman, why does he need to watch them? Am I not good enough?” The answer to that is the same answer I give to men who think their partner’s vibrator is there to replace them… Stop worrying, it’s not about anything you lack, it’s purely an extension or enhancement for a particular moment. Like many women who like to read erotica to get off, men absolutely love visual stimulation. It’s hot and sexy and a massive turn on… But it’s pretty superficial compared to the real thing. Yes, there are instances where porn use can be a worry. If it begins to take over every day things and starts to impact on your intimacy together then perhaps it might be an idea to talk to them about it or seek out profession help (although sex/porn addiction is definitely a controversial and dividing topic among sex therapists), but if it’s just something he does when he’s bored or alone or having a personal moment, it’s really nothing to worry about or take too personally.
He’d Love To Do It Together
Seriously, so many guys get so turned on by watching their partner masturbate, and they really want you to feel the same. This is where a lot of guys enjoy the slower, more sensual masturbation; when they’re “performing” for someone. Mutual masturbation can be an incredible turn on for both partners. Watching someone touch themselves while they watch you touch yourself can be the ultimate in horniness, and can add a whole new dimension to your sex life. Give it a try! Love the fact that your partner is in tune with their body and wants to share their private moments with you.