Is GGG the key to more satisfying casual sex?

The online dating and sex world relishes using acronyms. Being able to say a lot in a very little is a great way to start connecting with like minded people, and with so many profiles to sort through, it can make your search much easier. It can also be less awkward when you're trying to see if someone might be into the same sort of kinky thing you're into.

But there are a lot of them, and new ones seem to pop up all the time, so it can be a bit tricky to keep up and know what they all mean.

One of the latest ones cropping up on dating sites is GGG, and quite a few people have asked me wtf it means (see what I did there?) so I thought I'd explain it for y'all here.

WTF is GGG?

It's a term used by men on hetero hook up sites to self describe themselves to potential partners. It stands for “Good, Giving, and Game" which I'll get into more in a minute, but seems to mostly be a way for men to try and signal to women looking for casual hook ups and regular sex partners that they are the men people mean when they say "not all men".

The good guys. The attentive guys. The safe guys. The green flag guys. And I'm pretty sure that for the most part it's actually true, which kind of sucks for those guys because almost every woman I talked to in the lead up to writing this rolled their eyes and expressed more cynicism and scepticism than anything else.

Nice Guys Finish Last

I say it sucks because it does. It absolutely sucks hard to be an actual decent man looking for good sex on the internet at the moment because so many douche-canoes have ruined it for them.

I mean, how do nice guys let women know they're a nice guy when so many of the worst of their gender have corrupted the waters so much that the phrase "I'm a nice guy, you fucking bitch!" has become a meme?

Famous sex guy Dan Savage came up with the initials GGG to try and combat the "Nice Guy" paradox and provide a way for men to describe themselves as decent and safe potential lovers. While yes, I know, Savage can be incredibly problematic himself in a lot of ways, I do understand his motivation, even if (paradoxically? I don't know) it's now unfortunately beginning to morph into that which he was trying to combat.

G is for Good

While at first reading you may think "good" is referring to them being a good guy, it's actually more a statement about their sexual ability and how skilful they are in bed. Yes, I know. l had to take a breath and rub my temples a little when I first read it too, but it's not supposed to come off quite as frat-boy as it sounds.

I mean, claiming that you are "good" in bed is a pretty bold statement to make to a potential lover, and it's also one I have heard often enough to know that it means different things to different people. It walks a very fine line between confidence and arrogance, and is always going to be met with both curiosity and cynicism.

I mean, going back to my earlier point, what does it even mean?

What is "good in bed"?
How do you know?
Do you come with verifiable references and recommendations from previous lovers?
Do you have a portfolio I could peruse?

In the basic context of "Good, Giving, and Game" however, it's got nothing to do with your dick or tongue or any physical thing you might think it is.

It's actually supposed to mean that you are an equal and attentive lover. That you make sure everyone involved walks away satisfied and happy with all their sexual needs met. 

Sounds pretty fucking great, right? But for many women, the whole idea can come off as hollow, and possibly a red flag.

The thing is, we've heard it. We've heard it from almost every guy who's tried to talk himself into our pants. Some dude telling us he's basically the modern incarnation of Casanova and we would be so lucky to let him into our beds. There's an uncomfortable inference that they're doing us a favour, or we should be somehow grateful that a man has decided our pleasure is as important as theirs. It can come across as a bit icky to be honest.

Another problem that comes along with it is the pressure to perform. This is on both sides too. The guy who has professed to be a brilliant lover having to actually prove it, and her feeling like she now has to praise his incredible efforts, but also try and live up to his expectations of being "great in bed" (whatever that means) and be just as "great" for him.

The expectation that you need to be some sort of magical sexual deity is fucking daunting, especially in a world that has unrealistic standards for both bodies and skills.

The thing is, being good in bed has very, very little to do with actual performance because, as I said earlier, every single person wants, needs, and desires something different, so your physical "skills" are completely irrelevant in the long run.

No, what "good in bed" should actually mean (and what I believe Dan Savage actually means, but seems to get lost in translation in the multiple pieces I've read about it and by the people who have used the term or have come across it in their dating journeys) is a good communicator.

Both in listening and speaking.

Being open and honest about what they want, and being one who listens and takes on board the desires of their partner.

Orgasms are great, yes, but we can give those to ourselves. Easily. Quickly. And at any time we want.

What we want when we choose to share those orgasms with other people is an emotional connection. And before you start running for the door or berating me that I don’t understand hook up culture, I don't mean declaring your love and offering them the moon and stars and a marriage commitment.

I mean we want to know you actually like us and respect us and want to be there for more than just the vagina we possess. Even on a hook up, we want to know it's because you're hooking up with us specifically, not just to drain your balls into the nearest warm hole.

Without sounding too much like a crunchy wellness guide, most women are looking for authenticity and realness over performance and posturing.

That's the good shit right there.

G is for Giving

This is an extension of "Good". More of a clarification that they will be a considerate and attentive lover. That they care about your pleasure and that it's important to them.

They are saying they are someone who gives more than they expect to take. A considerate lover. A selfless lover. 

But when I spoke to a couple of girlfriends in the hook up scene who have come across men who use GGG on their profiles one of them said "He just means he eats pussy and we're supposed to be grateful for that."

Another friend lamented that a few self described GGG guys got pissed that she didn't want to perform oral sex on them, even though they'd done it for her, and another friend had a rather frightening experience with a GGG man who decided she wasn't appreciating his "generosity" as much as he felt she should.

Seriously what the fuck part of "giving" did you misunderstand to think it mean your needs trump anyone's safety or consent? Giving is selfless. It is done without expectation or caveat.

If you are only doing something because of what you believe you are entitled to at the end, then don't give it. We don't want it. If you were as "good and giving" as your profile claims you are, you would have had those honest conversations and laid out your expectations before you even took your shoes off, let alone put your dick into someone.

G is for Game

And finally we come to the G that ties them all together in both the "wow this guy sounds so great" and the "Holy shit why do I seem to attract all the red flag dickheads" camps.

This concept usually suggests that they are open to new experiences, new ideas, and new fun. It's implying they're a spontaneous risk taker who will try anything once, and would be open to experimenting in new, sexy adventures and play times. This is, again on the surface, amazing. Having a partner who wants to explore new things together. A partner who is comfortable enough in their own sexuality and body to know what they like, what they don't like, and will absolutely have a go at the ones they're not sure of yet. A partner who is brave and open minded and wanting to help you explore all those naughty little things you never really say out loud... How perfect does that sound!?

But often it turns out that this "open minded, explore everything" unicorn isn't quite as magical as first thought. Their ideas of open mindedness are so often limited to only the things that they want to indulge in, and so often forgets about the cornerstone of all sexual play and contact - consent.

Being game and daring and up for it is excellent, yes. But it's still dependent on the other person wanting to do it too. Just because they've said they're open minded and exploratory doesn't mean they're up for anything and everything either, and their rejection of it is not a deliberate slight against you or a lie.

I also promised a few of the people I spoke to that I would mention a few things that came up regularly in our conversations about "Game", that they really wanted men to know:

A threesome/group sex can include other penises. 
Anal sex goes both ways. 
Polyamory doesn't mean orgies every day. 
"No" is an entire sentence. 

And, most importantly, to the actual GGG guys out there, please don't give up. Don't let others convince you that women are fucking bitches for wanting the bare minimum of respect and consideration. Understand that you are unfortunately standing in the shadow of multiple red flags and sometimes it's hard for us to see your green.

I do believe though, that those actual decent men, the real GGGs reading this, understand why women are wary, exhausted, and cynical about stuff like this. That they know there is a bit of work to be done, and that showing is always better than telling, and we absolutely want you to show us, even if it means you may have to be a little more unique and creative than just copy-pasting a junk psychology acronym.

Until next time,  happy hook ups my friends!

7 comments

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  motorcade

  More than two weeks ago

  You need to broaden your social group as most women I know don't think that nice guys finish last - that is a dangerous cliche from the 1950's and encourages men to be arseholes - we dont want that thanks fellas.. Can we move on from the stereotypes?

  Reply
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  Jacquijay46

  More than two weeks ago

  A brilliant article Eva. I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you

  Reply
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  StaciM1973

  More than a month ago

  A worthy read.

  Reply
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  justus24u2

  More than a month ago

  I love this! It's suck a great explanation! Definitely needs to be on our profile

  Reply
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  Blue262

  More than a month ago

  Some people just can't help overthinking things.

  Reply
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  IVAONE60

  More than a month ago

  Am amazing read made a lot of sense. It's not all about the size of your dick of whether you're gods gift to women. It is about the emotional connection and that bother partners feel that connection.

  Reply
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  nsakinkyfuntime

  More than a month ago

  Absolutely LOVE this!! Feel like it needs to be displayed on most (certainly mine) profiles!!

  Reply