How to have queer sex: a first timer guide for women who love women

Two naked women with tattoos submerged in a bath about to kiss

The time has cum! It's happening! You’ve got a hot date lined up with an impossibly hot woman and you’re on the verge of shitting your hot pants because you want to be really good in bed… but you’ve never been with another woman and you feel like you have no idea what the f@#k you’re doing. So here's our first timer queer sex guide for women who love women.

Never fear, dear queer! You’ve got to start somewhere. If it helps, we’ve all been first timers once and lived to tell the (slightly awkward and somewhat fumbly) tale…

So whether you identify as bi, lesbian, pansexual, gay, bi curious or queer, and you’re cis or trans, here are a few tips to consider if you’re brand spanking new to the exciting world of having sex with other women.

Step one: Get out of your own head and into her pants!

Seriously. Don’t over think it. Don’t waste your time worrying whether your first sexual encounter with another woman is going to be awkward. Spoiler: it probably will be and that’s okay!

I remember the first time my face was sandwiched between a pair of thighs – it was simultaneously the best and most terrifying moment of my life… for about three seconds until my horny queer ass remembered there’s nowhere I’d actually rather be… and I just went for it. 

The reality is, sex is rarely perfect in any instance and that’s part of the adventure. Hair is going to get accidentally tugged. Things are going to slip out when you don’t want them to. Elbows have a mind of their own. Queefs happen. Whatever. Don’t let pressure get the better of you. Just remember that the only way to get better at sex and gain more confidence is to have more of both… just go with it!

Throw away the rule book

Unlike stereotypical straight sex, there are no rules for how queer woman on woman sex plays out. Good luck finding any two queer women who fuck or climax in the same way. It might be your first time, but every time you shag a new woman, you’re going to be starting from scratch and learning what makes her tick. There’s certainly no one formula fits all when it comes to fucking other women.

For example, some women see strap-ons as a staple in the bedroom, while others prefer the touch of hands and tongues. Some like to warm up with toys or use them to get over the finish line, while others prefer to wield the toy. Some women like to top and some are born bottoms. Some people like penetration and others don’t. 

Basically, never assume you know what someone likes based on their sexuality or gender. Instead, ask your playmate what they find hot, and listen carefully!

Let your hands do the talking

While verbal communication is a great wing woman for finding out how to pleasure your partner, you want to make sure that you’re not talking too much. While you should definitely check in or ask now and then “do you like that?” or “does that feel good?”, don’t overdo it or it can come across as not being confident which can be a mood killer. If I’ve got someone between my legs and they’re asking every five seconds if they’re doing something right, I’m more aware of them, than my own body, which means I’m less likely to be able to let go and enjoy the experience. 

Trust your intuition, let your hands do the talking and rely on non-verbal cues where you can. Is she moaning? Are her thighs quivering? You’re doing good. Does she look bored or distracted? Time to change it up. Or is she bucking her hips, gripping your hair and screaming, “Don’t you dare fucking stop?” Then, whatever you do, don’t you dare fucking stop!

With that being said, consent is not only sexy, it’s necessary. So if you decide to take things into unchartered territory in the moment, make sure to pause and check in to ensure she’s comfortable with where you’re at and where you’re wanting to go.

Safety is sexy

Unfortunately, lesbian, bisexual and queer women aren’t immune from STIs. While queer women are often excluded or ignored when it comes to conversations about sexual health, if you’re having vulva-on-vulva sex, it is possible to catch sexually transmitted infections such as Bacterial Vaginosis, Oral Herpes, HPV, Trichomoniasis, Chlaymida and Gonorrhoea. 

You can reduce the risk by you and your partner getting regular sexual health checks. If you have decided not to share fluids, you can also use barriers like dental dams and latex gloves. When it comes to toys, if you’re sharing them, make sure to change condoms or clean toys between uses for sexual health reasons.

Have a chat before you jump into bed to make sure everyone’s on the same page.

Practice makes perfect

As they say, practice makes perfect, and queer sex is no exception. If you want to be a great lay, you’ve got to put the hours in. So go forth, make us proud and do your research by having lots and lots of adventurous queer sex with other women.


  • NicTheChick51


    More than a month ago

    Amie, I stopped reading after all the 'titles' for who i am or what im classed as... by the way, I'm 50, chick with female genitalia, hetero. For a not so old chick like me, it's just confusing... I'm actually quite scared to get out there again now. I'm still young, I still want to shag, but wtf!! Any suggestions that don't involve me putting myself to sleep?

    • Fockoandco


      More than a month ago

      Dont even think about it. Attraction will guide you. Just be happy being you and you will find your guy.
      I met mine on the side of the highway, i had broken down. He stopped to help. 22 years later still madly in love. Don’t worry about all the pronouns.
      Ps im Mrs Focko

    • NicTheChick51

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Thanks Mrs Focko.. Those are nice words.

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