What Holds Women Back From Casual Sex?

Attractive woman with tattoo, curly hair and glasses shrugging her shoulders

Hook ups, a fuck buddy, one night stands, friends with benefits, open relationships… All of these activities are becoming more acceptable and more common. With the internet in our pockets it has never been easier to swipe, click, choose, and meet up with potential playmates and, with our growing knowledge of sexual pleasure, sexual health, and indeed sexual consent, you would think it is also becoming a far safer and more mutually pleasurable experience for all involved, but unfortunately for many women this is not the case.

Slut Shaming

This is the go-to reason many of us think of when we wonder what might be holding women back from exploring their sexual sides outside of committed relationships. While yes, this can be one of them, these days it’s not as much of a hindrance as it used to be. Women all over the world are beginning to embrace and examine their sexual potential and the pleasures it can bring. The word “slut” is being reclaimed as a positive expression of sexuality, and we as a society are moving away from the stifling and misogynistic cages the “virgin versus whore” has had women boxed into for centuries. Of course there are still those who express these sorts of views, and it can definitely be a factor in women’s choices about who and why and how they fuck, but for the most part strong, confident, sexual women don’t give a fuck about what others think of their bedroom activities. They do, however, care about their pleasure, and that becomes a huge factor in how they make their choices.

The Orgasm Gap

When speaking to women about their hook-up experiences one of the most common complaints we read about is the orgasm gap, which is basically that one night stand sex is often pretty terrible in the pleasure stakes and not really worth their time. As we all know, hook-up sex (regardless of your gender) is pretty much a fun romp of “get in, get off, and get out”, but unfortunately many men seem to forget that, even though that is her intention as well, it takes a little more than just a fuck to make it a fun and satisfying venture for her. In fact, almost every woman I have spoken to about one night stands said that they reach orgasm in less than half of their encounters, while almost every guy said they came every single time. When asked why, the women mostly said it was because the guy didn’t give a crap, and was pretty much only in it for his own pleasure, and this seems to be backed up by a Canadian study on oral sex and casual encounters. Researchers spoke to almost 900 students about their casual sex experiences and found that while oral sex was a common part of hook-up sex, there was a definitely an imbalance between the genders. The study found that around 60% of women performed oral sex during their casual sex sessions but only 52% of men said they did, and 63% of men said they received it, whereas women reported receiving it less than 45%. The surprising part of all this is that the study also found that only around 28% of women actually enjoyed giving oral sex, as opposed to the 52% of men who said they did, but for some reason they just weren’t doing a lot of it when it came to their hook-ups. Of course, oral sex isn’t the only way to pleasure a woman, but whatever it is that gets her motor running and her juices flowing, the key is often taking the time and patience to get it started, even if it is just a casual one night stand. 

The Rejection Projection

Women on sex dating sites get a lot of messages. They get winks and clicks and likes and requests all the time. For most of them, when first setting up a profile, it’s exciting! We open every message. We read every profile. We try and respond politely to every message we get, but as time goes on we notice a few things. Firstly it’s pretty obvious that less than half of the men who contact us actually read what we have written and what we are looking for. The sheer volume of “hey baby, you’re hot” messages becomes tiresome and boring, as do the photographs of genitals and badly penned erotica we haven’t asked for, but the most common, and frankly most disturbing, thing that happens to women on dating sites is what happens if we say no to a man’s advances or reject his offer. 

“You fucking fat whore, who would want to fuck you anyway!”. “Fuck you, you stuck up cunt, you think you’re so much better than me.” “Someone should slap some fucking sense into your ugly face, cunt.” These gorgeous little gems of articulation are actual examples from my own dating site inboxes from men that I have politely rejected, and I am not alone. Responses like this happen to women every day and, after a while, it becomes too much, too depressing, and too frightening to even consider opening up your inbox or trying to find a connection, and the easiest way to deal with it is to delete your profile and go invest in a good vibrator. 

Sure, rejection hurts. It’s totally okay and completely normal to feel a bit shit if someone you wanna hook up with doesn’t want to hook up with you, but that is no reason to turn into a disgusting, hate-filled pig, nor will responding in that way ever make someone go “Oh, shit sorry, Chad, how about I come and suck your dick right now!”. If you get rejected then deal with it like a grown up and move along, you’re only ruining it for the rest of us.

Slobs and Sloths

Speaking of imbalances between the genders, there is another one that so many women have spoken to me about when talking about their hook-ups, and that’s the differences in the effort put into one’s appearance and indeed entire outlook of the experience. If women know they are going to have sex the grooming and preparation lead up can sometimes take days. There’s the shaving and waxing and smoothing of the skin. There’s the agonising over what to wear, what undies to put on, what shoes will give her the butt lift she wants. Too much make-up? Not enough make-up? Should she bring extra clothes in case it turns into an all-nighter? Is he coming to her place? Is the lounge room clean? Fresh sheets? Fresh towels? Put the nice candles out, choose the right music, hide anything embarrassing…  It’s exhausting and she hasn’t even got to the sex yet. Men on the other hand tend to be less concerned about all of that and often don’t even think about the extra stuff at all, but it really is important. Yes, it’s just a casual encounter with someone you may not see again, and no you don’t have to go to ridiculous lengths or spend loads of money on it, but just squirting on some Lynx and making sure you’re wearing the boxers without the holes in them isn’t enough. Take a bit of care and time in your appearance and grooming. Wear something nice. Be sure to brush your teeth. If she is coming to your house make sure it doesn’t look like a uni student’s share house (even if it IS a uni student’s share house, maybe put the bong away and get rid of the week old curry pot on the sink), and please, even if just for that one night, make the bed so it looks nice and inviting. It really doesn’t take much time to make a little bit of effort, but it will certainly make her experience with you a far more enjoyable one.

Safety First

Unless you’ve been asleep for the past few years, I am guessing you will have seen numerous articles, blogs, tweets and posts about the lengths women go to to feel safe. As almost any woman in your life will tell you, nearly every step we take alone out of the house (especially at night and in unfamiliar territory) is accompanied by some sort of vigilance and constant risk assessment. Is this street too dark? Is this car park too isolated? Is that car following me and slowing down? Is that a man’s footsteps behind me? Is my drink safe? Is my Uber safe?  All of these things and more have been ingrained in us since we were little girls and, even if we’ve never had real reason to worry, it still niggles in the back of our heads in the place where “what if” lives. When it comes to hooking up and meeting a complete stranger for sex, these things play over and over in our heads and getting  just one little hint that a potential hook-up partner could be a “bad guy” is enough to stop us from taking the exchange any further, and could quite possibly stop us from trying again with someone else. In the world of internet dating and hooking up, the most common reason women who may have once been interested in casual sex but aren’t any more is the way they are treated by men in the initial stages of communication. 

Time, Effort, and Fun

When I put some of these things to a few men I know one of the comments I got back from a couple of them was along the lines of “but what if she falls in love and wants to be my girlfriend?” and I had to laugh. Is the bar really that low that men think clean undies and a neat house is all it takes for a woman to fall in love? If it is, then I guess all of that makes a bit of sense, except for the fact that it isn’t and it’s ridiculous, and I think a bit of a cop out excuse.  Making the space comfortable and welcoming, and putting in a little bit of effort to your appearance and into her pleasure will not suddenly turn her into a desperate stalker hell bent on getting you to the altar, it will just make sure her experience with you is as enjoyable as the one you have with her and that she feels safe and comfortable, as well as satisfied and happy, and in the long run, that’s precisely what a hook up is all about, and what you should be striving for.

Please note this article was written pre-Covid19 which is why there is no mention of choosing not to hook up during a pandemic. 

We’ve added more features in recent months to help members deal with abusive messages. You now have the option to Leave a conversation, Report Sender (which will automatically copy your recent conversation), and Block Sender all from within Messenger. Click here for more information on reporting members. 

39 comments

  • Wicked1964

    Wicked1964

    More than a month ago

    Totally agree with the article,,
    I’ve had to block several people because they have no idea about . Wrong and right towards women..
    And we are all adults we are here for the same thing. Many guys would do well to read this article!! They might learn manners !!
    Women have feelings guys. Yes we love sex. Want sex but mutual respect is a high point for me.
    I also agree with velvet. Quality not quantity,, and attraction is very important to me. That should work both ways or sex is crap

    Reply
  • BareNakedLady73

    BareNakedLady73

    More than a month ago

    I prefer quality sex - over quantity and would much rather see someone regularly. The more comfortable I feel with someone, the sex is way more enjoyable - for both.
    That's my experience and mostly why I don't go down the casual sex path.

    • shaftorpussy

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Well said

    Reply
  • TheRealDeal73

    TheRealDeal73

    More than a month ago

    While I agree with sexylawcurves, on the part, if you get some asshole that has sent you a stupid message not to reply, but I have to disagree with you that you ignore everyone, the article says a guy should make the effort in his appearance cos the women do and I agree with that, but if a genuine guy makes and effort with a message than why do you not have to have respect to reply back. Alot of what's in the article is true but the reality, especially on this site is that most of the women think they are all that and they dont have to have the common decency to reply and want it all their way... If you want respect, you have to earn it as well as give it.

    • DeliciousEva

      DeliciousEva

      More than a month ago

      Hey, thanks, random man, for explaining to all the women here that we actually have it wrong and it's just that we're stuck up snobs who don't know a "nice guy" when we see them.

      Doesn't prove the point of the article at all!!

      ;)

    • Meg1987

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      You get such an influx of messages as a woman, it’s just difficult to answer them all. There are too many to answer. Seeing as there’s more men than women. It gets overwhelming to think about.

    Reply
  • rwp9966

    rwp9966

    More than a month ago

    Gosh it saddens me in this day and age to read this Eva.
    Where has common decency and manners gone.
    I dont understand why the whole cyber bullying and idiot fraternity get their jollies behind a keyboard.
    As a bloke I feel I have to apologise for all the idiots out there.
    The fact that you girls are even putting yourself out there on this site and then having to put up with this kind of stuff makes me feel ill.
    Just goes to show these sites are here for us to have some naughty fun, not have to put up with that sort of stuff.

    Reply
  • Sexylawcurves

    Sexylawcurves

    More than a month ago

    Gents,
    We don’t owe you anything. Not even a thanks but no thanks reply. ‘A response goes a long way’ towards what exactly? Women acknowledging that you said Hi. It’s almost the same as saying we should smile at men in the street just because they look at us. (Give us a smile honey)
    If the first thing you think when you contact someone is they owe you a reply, imagine what else you might think we owe you if things were to progress to a drink.
    Women should be polite and respectful and always reply to men at all times? Do you respond to every piece of junk mail you get in your inbox?

    • justasimpleguy2

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Completely agree. No one owes each other anything. If I don’t get a reply to a message , I just forget about it and move on. That’s life :).

    • BSWebscam

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      100%

    • dustyangel1

      dustyangel1

      More than a month ago

      My question is why the hell (if as you say, that you accept that things are going to just be sex for one night) do you over think & virtually make a decathalon out of “preparation”?!?! If you stress over preparing then it will mean you’re stressed in bed. No wonder you don’t enjoy it. Guys don’t really give a shit if you get your hair or makeup done, nor if you are wearing “the right outfit & shoes“.

      The whole point Ideally is that you won’t be wearing them for long anyway! As for “spray some lynx”? Try NOT marinading in perfume!

      Neat, casual attire & less is more for makeup ladies... It’s NOT a frigging modelling shoot!

    Reply
  • SweetestSins

    SweetestSins

    More than a month ago

    Yes!!! Everything here is absolutely spot on!

    I’ve never been a called a slut to my face, a few men who have had their sensitive little ego have tried to offend me with it when I’ve turned them down (hence the slut collar as my little ‘yeah and?’ haha). I give absolutely zero fucks what anybody has to say or what they think.

    I pick and chose who I want to meet, I’ve only messed it up once from amm and had myself in an unsafe position, lesson learnt and I’m a bit more particular now.

    Reply
  • Meg1987

    Meg1987

    More than a month ago

    I don’t understand men lying about their age? Society isn’t as ageist toward men. I mean a couple of years maybe, but 10, 20 years your not fooling anyone!!

    • SensuallySyd

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I agree with you Meg, especially when the pic has them with hair and they turn up with none...pmsl. But believe it or not women do the same. I have been privy to that. Let's not mention the 40 pound weight gain as well and the overuse of the term 'voluptuous', to define oneself, when clearly that's not the case. But unfortunately that's the immaturity the genuine people on this site must put up with...

    Reply
  • AmbrosiaDaze

    AmbrosiaDaze

    More than a month ago

    I feel like I could’ve written part of that article! Which is such a sad thing, as I know I’m not the only one. But I would bet that those who truly need to read this would be the ones who don’t.
    Also how hard is it to just be honest and, for example, use your correct age. I can understand a year + or - for privacy reasons, but I swear there are so many on here who don’t age! How do they think we don’t notice this over time.

    Reply
  • InsideVoice

    InsideVoice

    More than a month ago

    Dear God, it was barely necessary to read the article to know what it would contain....

    The horror stories from people I've met leave me in no doubt as to why women and even couples stop replying to messages and quickly learn to use the block function as a line of defense, and eventually just delete their profiles and give up. The Rejection Projection and Slobs and Sloths categories featured frequently in conversation. Are there really so many potentially violent men who resort to threats and insults if they don't get the result they seek? The experience of one lady encountering "balls that smelt like an op-shop" provided another less than flattering insight I won't forget anytime soon.

    Some guys (and to be fair 0.1% women) deserve to be involuntarily celibate, but unfortunately their presence here makes what should be an exciting matchmaking experience into a laborious and occasionally unpleasant one.

    I don't have many answers, except to always be kind, be genuine, and to celebrate the occasional success instead of dwelling on the lack of it.

    Reply
  • MilkyMilo

    MilkyMilo

    More than a month ago

    I don’t think I have any women in my life that haven’t been verbally abused, physically abused or raped by men at some point in their lives.
    There is no way that a woman could react to me that I wouldn’t be understanding of. I can’t imagine living my life in fear the way women often have to.
    These experiences ruin it for the real men but more importantly it means that women live in a parallel universe to that of men, when we should all live in a world of respect and good humanity.

    We’re raising our men wrong is what I hear too often and I agree completely.

    • InsideVoice

      InsideVoice

      More than a month ago

      "I can’t imagine living my life in fear the way women often have to. "

      This exactly.

    Reply
  • JustForHotFun81

    JustForHotFun81

    More than a month ago

    Hi Eva,

    Thanks for the article. Very insightful.

    I have to say reading this made me lividly angry. I go to great lengths to behave in a gentlemanly fashion and to think there are soo many men out there ruining the online dating experience to the point that women don't want to engage is despicable.

    Having said that I have had my share of problem women on here as well, so I guess it cuts both ways.

    Something about being behind a keyboard makes people think they can just say anything at all.

    Don't mind the haters Eva, in the end they only hate themselves.

    Stay awesome.

    Dave

    Reply
  • Photos in private gallery

    ispywithmy

    More than a month ago

    Some good points there. But, I think one that was missed - Men are built differently to women, there are exceptions of course, but many guys wouldn’t spend days getting ready, hell some men don’t even think showering is required. That’s only addressing one point.

    Reply
  • friskypuz

    friskypuz

    More than a month ago

    My husband.

    Reply
  • maturemale73

    maturemale73

    More than a month ago

    As an older man i read every profile that interests me and always try to send an appropriate message that i hope will be read it is not always easy to say what you want the lady to see if she is interested in my experience i always try to make sure she gets what she wants and i get off in making her happy how ever she wants but as a paid member with only 4 messages a day i would love a reply to my messages just a yes or no thanks but get very few of these if i get a reply i usually say thanks and then i move on

    • Zestforfun

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I also always make sure I’ve read the profile before sending a message that I sometimes take 2-3 goes at to ensure it is respectful and hopefully interesting. Rarely do I even get a response. Like you said a simple thanks but no thanks would be fine. I figure if she can’t show the courtesy to respond then she just plan rude & not someone I’d want to be with anyway!

    Reply
  • Zamboon

    Zamboon

    More than a month ago

    Agree whole heartedly and on behalf of all those cavemen idiots out there I apologise for being part of their gender and I wish you all the best of luck.
    I have met a handful of ladies God bless them,who are slightly differently wired and they look forward to casual sex - they tend to be good judges of character and initiate a pub test but once passed they dive right in and enjoy themselves , and they have the character and confidence to control the situation if it turns out different from what they expected - having said that one recently picked up a nasty std from a sex club which mortified her..
    I will say one thing in common with these ladies is they dont want sex all the time and they meet guys who love what they did and cannot figure out why they dont want sex like that the next day - one of the ladies openly admits shes like a randy slut for one night a month and the rest of the time shes a model housewife - guys just dont get it!

    • friskypuz

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I can relate to that lady, mild mannered by day yet if people l know and work with had any idea about my inner slutt, they would be horrified.. Just can't help letting my slutty self out.. Cheers

    Reply
  • abcplus1

    abcplus1

    More than a month ago

    It must be tough for women to sort the chaff from the wheat, from ladies we have spoken to we know how much they get bombarded with messages and requests. But there's a flip side to the messages as well, we have sent polite messages with nothing more than an invite to a dinner date to women who have on their profile a search criteria that we match in terms of age/looking for/seeking and yet we have been simply blocked for our trouble.

    • SensuallySyd

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      With men genuinely outnumbering the women on this site by odds that I would never bet on, and no doubt the type of messages they receive...monotonous and skincrawling no doubt, part of me understands their stance. I'm always polite, genuine and respectful, have plenty of matching criteria, and string more than a few words in my messages but I am inevitably ignored, message read and ignored or simply blocked like yourselves. If the message is read and the profile is looked at, it would be nice to receive at least a 'thanks but no thanks', but I don't hold my breath for adult and respectful responses anymore. I also won't message someone who states in their profile, '..accept no response as a rejection..' no matter how compatible we may be. If you don't have the time neither do I. Not that it matters, as the receipt of 100 messages a day will still occur. But like I mentioned before, the playing field is stacked so heavily in their favour, and now there are only 2 ladies in all of Sydney that are left for me to reach out to...lol...

    • Photos in private gallery

      ispywithmy

      More than a month ago

      I don’t have a statistic, but the last year or so, I would say over half the women I have messaged simply block, without a reply. I have go through their profile, ensured that there is nothing that is obvious to say I am not what they’re looking for, no dick pic’s, but still block (after one message, not a dozen)
      I think women use it as a filter system, or at least the ones that are simply lazy. I wouldn’t take offence to it. Just move on find someone else, otherwise, it can drag you down mentally.

    • Jarviswalker80

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      I'm pretty sure most profiles are fake hence the no reply , it can get pretty annoying to have a message read and then ghosted. How many new profiles do you see that are online once and never again , I mean who joins a dating site , fills out all the criteria, adds pics , sounds like a perfect match and then they never log in again .
      I can only put it down to fake profiles , and I'm sure admin ads them to fill in the gaps

    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor

      More than a month ago

      @Jarviswalker80 Who never logs into a site again? Perhaps women who receive this as an opening message, and yes these are actual messages which have been reported and which I saved initially to include in this article but Eva had her own online experiences.

      Swallo my cum babe?
      Want to have some sperm with pancakes?
      hi hun l want to fuck u hows ya cunt tonite
      Fuck ? Bitch
      Hows ya big cunt hun
      Are you my slut daughter

    • abcplus1

      abcplus1

      More than a month ago

      @admin, we get his point though.

      We have seen some questionable profiles that seem to be fake, deleted after a message, seemingly never logged in again after being created etc.

      But such is the nature of these type of sites, maybe they were just shy and could not get past the keyboard fantasy stage.

      I think the trick is to not confuse the site for real life.

    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor

      More than a month ago

      Good advice! We are adding a new stage to registration which basically says upfront that the site is primarily to hook up and there is adult content which they can choose to view or hide as masses of dick pics can also be confronting if you're not expecting it. It will also give them the option to join our g rated dating site as an alternative if AMM isn't what they're after at that point. We hope that this will qualify the new members far better as most come to the site via a google search and often it's on the word "dating". Until they view profiles and start to receive messages they currently might not realise how full on the site can be. At least now we will pre-warn them.

    • abcplus1

      abcplus1

      More than a month ago

      @admin sounds good, as long as you don't ruin it for us that are actually looking for someone to date. What we want is probably better served by that site that starts with an 'e', but they don't cater to couples lol.

      You cater for non conventional dating and we still hold some hope for finding someone on here again.

      #throuplegoals

    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor

      More than a month ago

      We included "many tell us they found love along the way" because we know that's the case. Also #throuplegoals is very relevant with the planned update as we've been working with some poly people to make changes to make the site more inclusive of people in the poly lifestyle. You will even be able to link profiles to show your relationship to that other member. And we have a new blog contributor who is writing poly articles for us. So, stay tuned.

    • SensuallySyd

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      You might also want to reconsider your 3 million users tag. That may be the number who have accessed the site over time but i doubt your current active users would even total ten thousand...and that's one hell of a stretch....

    • AMM.Editor

      AMM.Editor

      More than a month ago

      @SensuallySyd you can always see the number of logins displayed on the site home page. Currently it's at 49,000 today

    Reply
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