Amazing sex can shift our relationship boundaries

Torso of a man with his shirt and jacket unbuttoned and a woman's hands caressing his chest

Sex is pretty good. Good sex is very good. And mind blowing sex can make you put up with shit that you wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else. Call it cock struck or cunt struck, the result is the same normally sane, well-reasoned, intelligent people start behaving in ways that we just would not expect because someone made them come. And I am not talking about the lovey dovey romantic couple that when they first get together start ditching their friends to hang out and hold hands all the time. Yes, you should enjoy the first thrill of a romantic adventure but do not forget about your friends. They are your support network and no matter how good your relationship is, you will need them to maintain a healthy balance in the future. But I digress, back to the earthshattering, mind blowing, adrenalin pumping, sex. 

The other day I was on Facebook and casually scrolling/stalking exes, call it what you will and “accidentally” came across one of my worst exes. And my best. Man, this relationship was a nightmare but oh… my… god… was the sex thigh wettingly fantastic. I kept breaking up with this guy but if I stupidly got within three metres of him I would have an uncontrollable urge to rip his clothes off and bonk him senseless. You know the type I mean, you are lying there naked, panting, sweaty and thinking “wow, just wow” and then a moment later “Oh no, I did it again”. The ones that are so utterly wrong for you and yet you just cannot help yourself. The ones with whom you have nothing in common. They are completely unreliable, constantly having dramas, treat you appallingly, hate the music you love, don’t read and they don’t even play scrabble. 

Anyway after about the fourth time we broke up this guy (who didn’t play scrabble but who screwed everything that moved) got my name tattooed on his chest. The next time I slept with him, I saw it and it freaked me out, but didn’t stop me from having sex. It was one of his other girlfriends knocking on the door that did that. Anyway when I tell people about this tattoo and that he still has it ten years later, the question is “but what do his new lovers think of it?”. Well I guess, like me they just stop caring because by the time they see it, he has already kissed them and has taken his clothes off.  As much as he is a nightmare with the drinking, turning up unannounced or disappearing without a word and the raging jealousy (be wary of very jealous people, they are sometimes the ones up to no good) the sex is so hot you just keep going back. You keep pressing reset on the drama button. Sleeping with them again seems so much fun in the moment but it just dials up all the hurt all over again. 

Now I have a sneaking suspicion that at one or two points in my life when I was younger and suffering from depression I was an absolute nightmare to date. I was badly behaved, unreliable, happily having way more than one boyfriend at a time and dishing out hurt all over the place. And yet there were men in my life who should have stayed away from me but just didn’t, because I was “good in bed”. But I have the same skill sets now and do not evoke the same kind of foolish behaviour. So is it the great sex or is it all the drama it is wrapped up in that makes it sexy? Is it knowing this person is bad for us that makes it more exciting? Is it that unreliable hit of dopamine they give you by making you feel so good and then the rush of hurt and anger when they treat you so bad? It is an exciting, sexy, stomach turning roller coaster of a ride, but is the sex really that good? I am not sure. Scientific research shows it is unreliability of the payouts on the pokies that make them so addictive. So is that what is happening with the amazing sex with the terrible person? Maybe for scientific research I should go back and check if it was. Just one more time?

15 comments

  • Zamboon

    Zamboon

    More than a month ago

    My brother was a yuppie stockbroker and married a nice girl who got bored while hubby was making money- she met a bad boy somewhere who treated her roughly but it turns out she was a sub and she craved it and was in the end totally controlled by this guy - he used to text her at home during dinner and within minutes she had gone to be with him then when she got back unwashed and smelling of sex she would break down and plead with my brother for forgiveness and everything calmed down till the next time that he found out ofcourse- he was in love and embarrassed and lived with it for a while until he finished the marriage- she had a good lawyer and drove off in her bmw with 50% ... bad boy 1 good guy 0

    • AugustusSeizer

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      That tale can be told with a completely different narrative. ..

      Once upon a time there was a couple and the man found more excitement and pleasure in accumulating material things. The focus of his attentions, indeed, his actual true love, was the "glittering prizes", the trophies that other people would admire and envy.

      And while doing that he ignored his wife.

      One day she met someone who made her feel alive for the first time in many years. It wasn't the steamy sex, nice though that was, it was that sense of BEING ALIVE, of actually being in someone's attention, simply mattering to someone - even if it was only for great sex.

      The wife, just another trophy among many, would come home grubby. Maybe she could goad the man into engaging, actually *caring*. Even a ferocious conflict is better than being ignored and not being of any importance at all.

      Eventually the man got bored, annoyed, angry perhaps, that this possession, unlike his others, was unruly, unpredictable, unreliable. So he disposed of it as he would a malfunctioning microwave - or like an obsolete, though once prized phone.

      How annoying that this disposed of consumer (un)durable took a slab of wealth with her. She got no share of his heart, no share of his attention, no share of his *care* but she did get a share of what he really cared for - his cash. And THAT hurt. Luckily he could have fun replacing it - and complaining about it too. More sympathy - maybe even some adulation for the How Well the Successful Man So Badly Treated By His Greedy Mean Ex Was Able to Recover!

      There is no "good guy" in this. Just a selfish, arrogant, careless, care less, fool who defined "happiness" in a way that did not include his wife.

      And maybe the other guy was the same? Or maybe he also had only a few moments in which HE felt alive because HIS wife was more interested in whatever was truly important to her? Who knows.

      And maybe the truth is some messy combination of both the Original Poster's narrative and this one. Or something completely different.

      The thing is: In life we usually get what we work hard to get. The supposed "good guy" of the O.P.'s tale worked very hard to NOT have a loving wife and, instead, focus on accumulate stuff. Successful project.

      I am so so so so bored with the "bitch took me for so much of MY stuff" story. So very bored.

    • Zamboon

      Zamboon

      More than a month ago

      Oh I am indebted to your infinite wisdom and life experience and so so sorry that you are sooo bored with it all - you might have been a fly on the wall - in reality it was a heartbroken man who had pulled himself up from a very middle class childhood , made good , went to church tried his best - he wasn’t up himself got caught in a debt trap and had to work harder and the result- disappointment depression suicide attempts etc ...

    • Katz2original

      Katz2original

      More than a month ago

      Augustus, you hit it on the nail. Perfectly said.

    Reply
  • Vvverybusty

    Vvverybusty

    More than a month ago

    I think the older you get the better you get at separating mr right and mr bang me right now. And the older you get the less you’re sucked in because if you’ve found one guy that’s amazing there sure as hell five others out there equally as good! No use wasting energy with the drama! Rather put the energy into the sex.

    Reply
  • barkly48

    barkly48

    More than a month ago

    Can't say that I've ever had that problem but this " (be wary of very jealous people, they are sometimes the ones up to no good)", I can certainly relate to....!! Better to be alone than with a very jealous person...

    Reply
  • Fiery.Woman

    Fiery.Woman

    More than a month ago

    Don’t we all have that one person we know we should stay away from but can’t help ourselves because the lust is just so strong!?
    I justify it by saying I’ll never initiate the contact...but I always respond. And every time it’s over and I’ve got what I needed I’m instantly reminded of all the things about him that irritate me, and I know he feels the same.
    So is it that unpredictability? And does it end when the unpredictable behaviour suddenly becomes predictable?

    Reply
  • Candygirl20

    Candygirl20

    More than a month ago

    Thank you Emma for your article runs true to life. When I was a younger woman I wanted it all or nothing. After dipping myself into the pool of "love" and getting hurt I retreated from sensual contact. Having married and given "love" another chance later in life I found it wasn't what I imagined. Now in my mature years and being single sex is better because of the change of mind set. Coming across a great lover is a pleasurable reward in the pursuit of "love". No strings attached is just right for me. I do have an open relationship I'm in and we both enjoy our scintillating pursuits.

    Reply
  • KinkyGirl101

    KinkyGirl101

    More than a month ago

    This is all sounding very familiar. Enter stage left sexy soldier on leave who I'm sure I've mentioned before where a one night stand turned into a 7 day stayover. It was all so wrong - his ego was almost bigger than his cock - but he pushed my buttons and every time he was back in Sydney it happened all over again. It wasn't love but it was definitely lust.

    Reply
  • SweetestSins

    SweetestSins

    More than a month ago

    Ahhhh this is me all over!! I’ve been playing with one person for 3 years who I KNOW I shouldn’t, and I KNOW is bad for me.... buuuut he eats my pussy like a boss so I keep going back for more. He is my kryptonite.

    • Yougottotry

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Ha ha, that’s me with my FWB, she calls me Professor pussylicker because she says I’m so good at it. I guess it’s easy to be good at something when you like it, right?

    • IVAONE60

      IVAONE60

      More than a month ago

      Not many men know how to eat pussy properly. I love doing it love sending a woman to cloud 9. I would keep your man friend and enjoy the pleasure.

    • friskypuz

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Know that feeling well..
      So addictive..

    • OverTheKnot

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      In my youth, I would usually eat pussy for about 20 minutes or more. Actually I don't know how long it was, as I never timed it. Best compliment I received was from a one night stand (Her choice not mine) who said with a tone of astonishment "Where did you learn how to do THAT!!!" Another lover in a critique said that I spent to much time with oral. Silly me for asking the question, and more so for not asking her to clarify her remark.

    Reply
  • BareNakedLady19

    BareNakedLady19

    More than a month ago

    Thanks for this thought-provoking article.
    I can say that for me, this has happened with only 1 person. I call him my human 'crack'
    I went down this path over and over for years before I finally built my own self-esteem to the point that I realised what an injustice I was doing - no matter how mind-blowingly compatible the sex was and had been.
    There came a time when enough was enough. I respected myself more than I was allowing myself to be treated.
    My experience is with someone with whom I'd had a relationship for a total over 7 years. I believe that I learned the behaviour that put me in the mindset that because the physical intimacy was so amazing, that everything else would fall into place.....oh so naive lol
    Ultimately for me personally, now tried and tested, I can say I've learned and will not be making that faux pas again if I can avoid it.
    Then again, I'm a hot-blooded sensual woman with desires and needs so really, anything can happen!
    Bnl x

    Reply
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