Firstly, virginity is an obsolete, outdated concept.
Secondly, let me just state that there is nothing wrong with being a ‘virgin’ or with being asexual, if that is what you want. But I am writing for Adult Match Maker so I am going to assume you're not reading this for knitting tips. I am going to assume that you are in fact interested in sex and have in fact had some, this article is actually for you.
Thirdly, if you were lucky, at some point someone more sexually experienced than you gave you some great advice, a few excellent pointers and made you a better lover.
My point, if I have one, is that the label of ‘virgin’ still holds some weight and it seems that the ridiculous double standard still exists out there that male virginity is something to dispose of as quickly as possible and female virginity is to be treasured. What the hell? Oh and even worse, that female virginity now has an expiry date where after a certain age it starts to be just as much of a liability as male virginity can be. No I can’t tell you where and when these virgin ages are because they're not real, they are just felt by the individual or inflicted by their peers.
You see we live in a culture where social and news media seems to indicate that everyone is having more and better sex than us and a lot of the time that just isn’t true (just those of us on Adult Match Maker). Some of us are lucky enough to be in touch with ourselves and our sexuality and know what we want and how to ask for it in mutually respectful ways. But you need to remember that this is not the norm. For most people out there, sex is a big scary concept in which they are not having good enough, exciting enough, kinky enough or just not enough sex. You can’t compare your sex life with a Hollywood representation of what it should be. Or with the boasts of your friends, they may be exaggerating. If you didn’t see it at a sex party, you just can’t be sure.
So when we encounter virgins and newbies on Adult Match Maker it is our responsibility to be nice and kind and respectful. Not to scare them away! Many people find online dating intimidating at first, imagine if they are also sexually inexperienced, be gentle with them.
What do we do when we find out a friend is a virgin but not asexual? Well you help them feel okay about it to start with. I hadn’t met a virgin for years but then I went back to university and realised there were a whole bunch of them, both male and female. The difference was that they felt more awkward than ever before about it because they feel like they are all meant to be going at it and experts because they have all the information at their fingertips and because society implicitly assumes that. How do we reassure them? How do we destigmatise virginity enough for them to not feel so awkward that they can’t tell a potential sexual partner they are a virgin and therefore can’t lose their virginity because it's all too embarrassing.
Obviously sticking your penis in a vagina doesn’t change who you are or how masculine you are. There are plenty of masculine gay guys out there who haven’t ever stuck their dick in anything other than a mouth. Nor does having a cock in your cunt make you a woman, or less pure or more whatever. There are plenty of very impure, very sexy women who have never been near a dick.
So I think we can all agree that the actual virginity bit is bullshit (I won’t go into all the historical, misogynistic, heteronormative, political stuff here). Sex is a whole bunch of different things, done a whole bunch of different ways. That doesn’t change how awkward any newbie or sexually inexperienced person might feel and how we might want to address that. I and most of my girlfriends have stories of the sexually shy male friend, or two, whom we initiated sexually. If you haven’t, with some patience and kindness, it can be incredibly rewarding to teach someone, to take away the fear and awkwardness, to share their joy and wonder of discovery of their sexuality.
So now we have all agreed it is up to us experienced ones to be respectful and kind to the Newbies.
My advice to someone who is sexually inexperienced is to come to Adult Match Maker and put it out there, honestly. In your profile say “Male Virgin” or “Sexually Inexperienced Woman looking for tuition”. And then, hopefully, respectful and sexually experienced people can volunteer their time to gently introduce these people to becoming comfortable with their own and other people's bodies and sexuality and sexual acts at their own pace ensuring that we end up with more sexually proficient, sexually confident people out there having wonderful experiences and spreading the joy. Not shamed, scared people having crappy sex because they feel they need to “do it”.
Better sex for everyone comes from everyone having better sex.