Q: One of my ex-playmates from AMM has changed his profile to Bi. He was definitely into me when we were fucking so what's the deal? I always thought bi guys were just gay guys reluctant to come out.
A: Today, in 2015, we're happy to report the measurable progress that's been made here on Earth involving human sexuality. That’s not just in terms of gay rights, but also in our collective understanding of how complicated we all really are. We're talking way more shades of gray than 50.
Frustratingly enough, it's still a widely held belief that men can't really be bisexual, despite the substantial number of men who self-identify as bi. You're not the only one asking this question, so don’t feel bad. But it does make me wonder why we, as a society, find it so difficult to take men like your fuckbuddy at their word?
Well, there's the whole messy topic of how we're socialised to think about same-sex attractions. Though this is changing (and that’s a good thing!), many of our ingrained notions about sexuality are calibrated to the straight male barometer. This partially helps explain why girl-on-girl action is less stigmatised in mainstream society (and even applauded), while male-on-male action is relegated to Strictly Gay Island.
I’m sure you’ve heard many people talk about how fluid women’s sexuality can be are, so why don’t we see guys the same way?
Much of the incredulousness also comes from the idea that a man who says he's bisexual is really just using that as a stepping stone to coming out as fully gay: you know; "gay, straight, or lying." This, again, often goes back to the stigmatisation of male homoeroticism mentioned above.
Indeed, a man really can be bisexual if he sleeps with men but occasionally dates women. He can also be bi if he's predominantly sleeping with men at the moment, which in no way invalidates his previous preference for women or potential to pursue women more in the future. It also goes without saying that one's sexual orientation is larger than their current relationship. The capacity to be attracted to another person never goes away, regardless of where you fall on the Kinsey Scale.
All of this fell even further into question in 2005, when a widely publicised US study suggested that men aren't actually capable of being bisexual. Researchers measured genital arousal patterns in men who identified as bisexual, but their boners told a different story: that the men were either aroused by women or aroused by men, and usually the latter.
However, the researchers found their test subjects by advertising in gay publications - meaning their participants were more likely to lean towards being gay to begin with.
A more recent study in 2011 recruited subjects from bi-specific websites, and it also used more specific standards to qualify the men as bi. Participants were required to have had sexual encounters with at least two people of either sex, as well as romantic relationships of 3 months or longer with at least one male and one female. Unsurprisingly, the bisexual men in this study were aroused by images of men and women.
Of course sexuality is about so much more than the way your body physically responds to various stimuli.
Unfortunately, many people assume bisexuality can only have a perfect 50/50 split between male and female attraction, but in reality, bisexual people often oscillate on that spectrum over the course of their lives. You’ll also hear people say that if a bisexual person eventually marries or dates a man or a woman long-term, then they have "picked a side." Sexuality is fluid for many people, men and women, and placing such rigid boundaries and rules on the concept of bisexuality would be inaccurate.
In fact the results from Adult Match Maker's Under the Covers Sex Survey in 2014 found that 23% of male respondents identified as bisexual, a far greater percentage than expected.
So yes, bisexual men are out there, and your playmate may very well be one of them!