As I am sure you are aware (and if not, where have you been?) I have had a lot of sex. Heaps! I have had sex for pleasure, sex for money, sex in groups, sex with people from all walks of life, all genders, and all levels of experience from nervous virgins to seasoned sexperts like myself, and I can tell you I have learnt a lot and am still learning to this day. I also spend a lot of time talking about sex, educating about it and writing about it and would have to say that the one thing people seem to forget, and don't talk about as often as I think they should, is that sex can be a pretty damn funny thing.
Honestly, people take it so seriously and I think that's one of the main reasons so many people are screwed up in the head over the whole sex thing. They spend so much time worrying about how they look, how they perform, how they will measure up that they kind of forget to enjoy it.
Yes, it's intimate and a great way to connect to your partner. Yes, it can be a life changing moment when you lose your virginity. Yes, it can be an amazingly spiritual experience too... But it's still funny!
I mean, they don't call it “bumping uglies” for nothing you know. You've gotta admit genitals are rather odd looking, all sticking out like someone forgot a piece and glued it on at the last minute, or all creased up and seafoody looking with all sorts of confusing folds and bits to find... And then there's all the noises that can come out when you're having sex. There's uncontrollable grunts and groans and moans and squeals. There's that sort of wet slapping and squelching noise that sounds a bit like stirring custard with a sausage and don't get me started on queefing: the often embarrassing farty noises that can come out of a vagina when a bit of air gets trapped inside. Sex-face is another hilarious side effect of doing the deed. Eyes rolling, faces scrunched up, tongues hanging out. I swear I've even drooled before.
There's sweat drips and nose snorts and accidental elbow jabs. I once kneed a guy in the head when we tried an awkward sixty-nine in a cramped space, and then there are those moments when you accidentally stick something in the wrong hole or grab the wrong bit in the dark.
I truly believe if people stopped stressing so much about “being embarrassing” or “feeling gross” when these sort of things happen, it would take a huge amount of pressure of the actual act itself. It is absolutely vital to a healthy and happy sex life to be able to sit back and laugh and enjoy all the craziness that comes with it. And anyway, when you think about it, if you've got to the point where you're sharing your most intimate bits with another person, what's a little fanny fart between friends.