Are you Swinging for the Right Reasons?

The feet of a swinger couple peeking out from under the doona

There are a number of reasons couples decide to start swinging and I’m not here to judge what’s right and wrong, but there are some motivations that are constructive as well as destructive. I’ve seen a number of them and they don’t always end badly, but it’s good to check in to why you are in the scene or why you want to join the playground.

There are a number of reasons but the common reasons I see are:

To spice up an otherwise normal sex-life! I see this with many couples and most have the foundations they need in order to be able to join in the fun and have it enhance the relationship. People who come in with that intention often find that their relationship evolves; it becomes deeper, more connected and more loving, which is just the way we want it go to, right?

Some get into the lifestyle to satisfy a need. You know the one – “I just want to play with other people”. This need comes up with many couples that are still very committed to each other, and those who are pro-active will look for constructive ways to fill that need, such as swinging, and others who don’t, cheat. So therefore swinging becomes a very nice way of having your cake and getting to eat it too!

While either of those reasons is great, there is also another side to them and it can make swinging potentially a detriment instead of an enhancement. The real problem starts when one partner isn’t doing it for him/herself, they are going along with it for their partner, usually to keep them happy for fear of losing them if they don’t.

In cases like these (which thankfully there aren’t too many of) there is usually one that stands out as the instigator; the one that is eager to join the lifestyle to either spice up their sex life or to be able to play with others. You can often pick up on couples that are like this when they are at the clubs or at your house. One is really into it, the other needs coaxing and it’s not really comfortable for anyone.

Doing it for someone else (swinging or anything) is not a healthy motivation and it can be detrimental to the relationship. It often creates more emotional hurts than it resolves and jealousy or insecurities can be fuelled, especially the first time they go to an event and all of a sudden the reality of how they feel and what’s going on, is right there in their face.

It’s important that both partners swing because they actually want to. If they don’t then some conversations need to be had around why one wants to, and why the other doesn’t to get to the root cause. Sometimes this conversation reveals not only the real problem, but it opens the door to other possible solutions such as coaching, exploring sex together or individual personal development.

Sometimes swinging is a great way of one partner getting their sexual needs met due to problems preventing them from having a healthy sex life at home. Some women are allowed into the lifestyle because their husbands are impotent or unable to keep up with her sexual appetite. Others are in the lifestyle because they aren’t getting sex at all or not enough, which is great if their partners give consent but if their partner doesn’t know then it’s likely to be very detrimental to the relationship when they find out.

A healthy relationship will communicate needs, wants and desires and then find solutions to whatever isn’t being met. If it’s agreed and both parties are completely ok with one or both people swinging, then great! Come and join the party! I would highly recommend that if you aren’t in the scene because YOU want to be, then now is the time to speak up and for you both to come up with a new solution, or get some help to work through it so you can both come back to the playground and REALLY have some fun!

I’ll see you there…

9 comments

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judeee
More than a month ago

we feel if u dont hav a gr8 sex life u shouldnt why put a bandage on a festering sore yuk we hav a gr8 sex life n this only enhance what we already hav many nites after a fun party we hav said well honey i thought i had seen it all but hav i got a trik for u
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to2play
More than a month ago

so true u see it all the time with one of the couple not enjoying the lifestyle and its a bit sad, great article and was just wondering if 'root cause' was meant as a pun he he he
thx for the read
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twoups
More than a month ago

We are in the first catagory and totally 'get off' watching each other give and receive pleasure and have magnificent sex for weeks after a 'party'. Now I'm about to undergo prostate surgery and although that will leave me totally impotent for some time (if not permenantly), I see no reason to change our life style. She will still enjoy giving and receiving, I'll enjoy watching and there will be nothing wrong with my tongue!!! We agree with Chantelle - swinging is to enhance what you have got, not to rebuild what you had (or thought you wanted).
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twoups
More than a month ago

We are in the first catagory and totally 'get off' watching each other give and receive pleasure and have magnificent sex for weeks after a 'party'. Now I'm about to undergo prostate surgery and although that will leave me totally impotent for some time (if not permenantly), I see no reason to change our life style. She will still enjoy giving and receiving, I'll enjoy watching and there will be nothing wrong with my tongue!!! We agree with Chantelle - swinging is to enhance what you have got, not to rebuild what you had (or thought you wanted).
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seanandlia
More than a month ago

We have been swinging for a number of years now and it has only enhanced our bond and after 35 years of a most love filled marriage ,it is still amazing to us that we can still have so much to share with each other and all those wonderful others we have met in our journey
We are in the first category a very normal marriage to most but so much more to it than most can see .We didnt start out of spice up our love life but to enrichen it .This has led to a number of things such growing with in our selves such as ,personal growth ,self confidence,pride in our appearance ,being able to ask what your partner likes and needs and a knowledge of that sex isn't dirty and should be whispered or snickered about in hushed tones but to be enjoyed and most of all shared
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countrymouse
More than a month ago

so true on every level
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massagsme
More than a month ago

we are in to the swinging life style so we don't have to cheat on each other more fun to share and as we are both bi if great for u s
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robyn30
More than a month ago

Hey Chantelle, great read would luv to talk to you ..............
Many Thanks
xxxxx
Reply
taylah05
More than a month ago

Couldn'tve said it better myself Chantelle. Great article and so true.
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