When swinging goes wrong!
Eva Sless
on 14 November 2025
5 comments
Just like other famous last lines usually reserved for horror movies like "I'll be right back", or "What's that strange noise coming from the attic?", or "Let's open this ancient puzzle box"... uttering "what could go wrong?" is often seen by the universe as some kind of challenge rather than an innocent question, and can cause it to throw every little thing that could possibly go wrong your way.
This goes for every activity and adventure you pursue, and while sometimes it's best to ignore all those perceived potential obstacles and setbacks and just go where the universe takes you, when it comes to swinging and other types of partner swapping it’s not just bad weather or a blown tyre on a road trip that can chuck a spanner in the works. It can actually be a whole lot of very human, and very real obstacles that can poke at every little emotional bruise you didn’t even know you had.
From unexpected jealousy to mismatched enthusiasm, there’s a few prickly bushes to navigate when fantasy collides with feelings, so I thought I'd break a few of them down for you, and also give some tips on how to survive the awkward or adverse moments with your relationship (and dignity) intact.
You said "yes" when you really meant “hmmm… maybe?” And now you're there and you want to go home
It started as an idea whispered over wine... “Wouldn’t it be hot if…” ... And your mind started to wander to the sexy, illicit thoughts you’ve secretly harboured. You’re picturing silky sheets and cinematic moans. Soft lights and velvet drapes. Elegance. Masks. Perfection. You know, like something you saw in a movie once... only to end up standing awkwardly in your undies at some random house in the suburbs feeling like you’ve accidentally wandered into someone else's birthday party full of naked strangers and emotional confusion.
Maybe you agreed because your partner seemed so excited. Maybe you thought it would bring you closer. Maybe you didn’t want to be “the boring one". Maybe you really thought it was something you'd enjoy. But halfway through, you're suddenly very aware of how not sexy you feel, and how not sexy you're finding the experience, and frankly, how much you’d rather be at home in your PJs watching Bake Off.
What To Do?
Call time-out. You can always stop. Always. It's so important for you and your partner to have a conversation about this very scenario before you even leave your house to attend the party. If you're worried about offending other players (trust me you probably won't, but I get it) coming up with code words or phrases to check in and communicate with your partner during the evening is a great way to mitigate that anxiety, and adhering to each others boundaries and emotional needs is absolutely vital. If one of you wants to leave, is uncomfortable, is having a less than ideal experience, then you both leave together, and you both debrief together. And please don’t punish yourself later. You tried something new! You stepped out of your comfort zone! That takes guts! And remember, “I thought I’d be okay, but it didn’t feel right” is a complete sentence.
Your partner is way more into it than you are
You expected mutual curiosity and a shared experience of combined orgasmic bliss. Instead, your partner’s living their best life and you’re sitting there wondering if you should’ve brought a book to read, or organised a boardgames evening instead.
What To Do?
Pause and observe and take stock for a moment. Not to blame or judge or fall into your own spiral, but to note what’s actually bugging you. Is it jealousy? Personal insecurity? Or is it the vibe itself?
Don’t fake enthusiasm to keep up or make someone else happy, but also try not to ruin someone else's vibe. This is where the pre-conversation and "code words" can come in handy so you can communicate your feelings without feeling too obvious or awkward.
While it's absolutely important to speak and debrief and emotionally reconnect to each other after playtime adventures, have the big talks before and after, not mid-orgy. That's not going to be a fun time for anyone.
Your partner expects you to “take one for the team”
You and your partner might have walked the walk before. Maybe you're not all that new to swinging. Maybe you are. But it sometimes happens that you meet another couple who are totally into the scene too, and your partner, for whatever reason, is really into them, but you... well, you are not, and you say as much.
Your partner comes at you with something like, “Come on, baby. It’s just one night. Be a team player..."
And taking one for the team, my friends, is a no. A big one. Covered in a red flag and ticking like a bomb. Consent is not a group package deal, and boundaries are non negotiable.
What To Do?
As I always say, "no" is a complete sentence, and “I’m not comfortable with this” does not require justification.
But take notice of their reaction. If they pout or guilt-trip, or have a little tanty, that’s not about swinging or fantasy or even plain old vanilla sex any more, that’s about respect, or more clearly, a glaring lack of it, and a huge insight into who they really are.
Being open-minded doesn’t mean being boundary-blind, and keeping yourself and your emotional state safe should always be your (and your partner's) top priority.
They want to see a playmate alone
Okay, so you’ve dipped your toes into the scene, had some fun, met some cool people, and now your partner wants to “grab a drink” with one of your mutual playmates ... alone.
Cue the internal sirens. Something feels off.
While some couples who indulge in the scene move toward polyamory or more open relationships, for many in the scene, this is a major shift and doesn't quite fit into the "swinging package" they originally bought into, and can definitely have an effect on one's mental state and ego.
What To Do?
First things first, and as swingers you should already be great at communicating together, ask them why.
Is it curiosity? Chemistry? Or maybe something deeper? Having our heads turned doesn’t always mean something sinister or underhanded is going on. Humans are visual creatures of pleasure and indulgence and finding something beautiful or appealing is normal. It's what we do with those feelings that matters.
Revisit your agreements. “We swing together, not solo” might need reaffirming and readdressing.
If it feels like cheating dressed as evolution, trust your gut. Don't be gaslight into thinking you're "imagining" things. Again, like above, that’s a huge red flag and a true partner should listen, acknowledge, and calm your fears, not exacerbate them.
Someone caught feelings and now everything is weird
Ah yes, the uninvited, but often-found-lurking guest at every swinger’s party. Emotion. Connection beyond the sexual. Feelings.
Maybe you’re the one who suddenly feels strongly connected to your playmate. Or maybe your partner seems a little too glowy after a night that was supposed to be “just physical.”
The excitement becomes more about the who than the what, and the mind starts wandering into the realms of "what-ifs".
What To Do?
Acknowledge it.
Pretending it’s not happening just makes it weirder and starts the journey into lies and mistrust.
Debrief gently. Communication is your best swinging tool. Feelings don’t automatically mean betrayal, but they do mean it’s time for a recalibration and reset, and possibly a change or update to your original agreement.
Remind yourselves why you started swinging. Was it for some fun? Was it for connection? Maybe it's time to stop, take a breath, and find another activity to enjoy together, or maybe it's deeper than that and you both need to take more than a breath, and really examine what's happening in your own relationship. Whatever it ends up being, be open and honest and always communicate respectfully.
The morning after what-the-hell-was-that‐i-feel-weird
Ah the next day. When harsh sunlight exposes the debauchery of the night before.
There’s glitter in your hair, someone’s underwear on the lamp, and a sort of quiet unease in the air that you can't quite put your finger on.
Don’t panic. You’re not alone. Post-swing wobble is real and weird, and can happen to the best of us, no matter how long you've been in the scene.
What To Do?
It's not just laundry and lube cleaning you need to do the next day. You need to do an emotional cleanup too.
Check in with each other and be close, kind, and connected.
If you’re feeling a little fragile, exposed, or embarrassed, avoid falling into blame spirals or digs. “That was a lot, how are you feeling?” is a great way to start a conversation and address the emotional side effects that can occur, and if it all feels a little too much that's okay. Agree to take a break before deciding to try again (or even never again), and spend the day being as connected and together as you can.
Remember, it’s only fun if it’s fun for everyone.
Swinging really is an incredible adventure, and it can absolutely work for the right people, with the right communication.
But if it’s leaving you anxious, resentful, or suspicious, then it’s not pleasure anymore. It’s people-pleasing in lingerie, and that’s a recipe for disaster, both emotionally and otherwise.
Set and stick to boundaries, talk more than you touch, and remember, it’s supposed to be fun, and it's supposed to be mutual. Anything less than that isn’t worth your time or your sexiness.
Until next time, happy swapping my friends.
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