So you and your partner are both really looking forward to having an amazing night with another couple that turn you both on but when you get there, only one of them is sizzling hot, gorgeous and amazing, and the other… Well, let’s just say there is zero blood being stimulated to rush to all the fun places. Nothing. Nada. So what do you do? More to the point, what should you do?
You have a few choices. You could:
- You speak to your partner, say it’s not happening for you and ask to pass on this couple in hopes you find another couple that gets you both going.
- If it’s ok with the other couple, you give your partner the gift of being able to let loose and get wild with the partner their attracted to and you and their partner get a coffee, OR you occupy yourself with someone else letting the other 2 have each other for a night… or 2… or more
- Not say anything (or say something) to your partner and just “take one for the team” (this means playing/having sex with the other partner even though there is little to no attraction), so your partner gets their wild fantasy night and you get sex, even if you’re not feeling it for the other person. What a team player! Or are you?
Now there are going to be camps of people who will be very clear about which choice is the winner when asked what the “right” one is, but in all honesty, there is no right or wrong answer. There are, however, a few things to consider when making the choice to determine what’s right for you both and your relationship.
When considering option one, it’s easy to say “if it’s not a yes for both then it’s a no” when there is a small to decent amount of attraction going on but when the two out of the four have an intense, “I have GOT to have them”, fantasy level wild and passionate attraction, it’s not as easy to walk away from as you’d hope. I can definitely attest to that!
In instances like these, not being able to have even just one moment with them creates an even stronger attraction that can distract every waking moment for… well… a while. Sometimes giving the gift of one night with them gives you lots of brownie points and where one gets this gift, it means the other gets to do the same too when their fantasy level playmate shows up (if the fantasy’s partner is ok with it too, of course.)
Question: Are you both ok and comfortable with individual play (not playing together or with the same people at the same time)? If you aren’t then you are only left with choice 1 or 3. If you are, then is it only ok if the other partner has someone else to play with at the same time? Or are you ok with one of you not playing until an opportunity comes up for them? You need to know what you are both comfortable with to know if option 2 is available to you and under what circumstances.
So now we come to when to take one for the team, and when not to. To me it’s a case of how much attraction there is and if there is a choice not to. Ideally having the freedom and choice to enjoy individual time with playmates that really leave you breathless would be the way to go, but if that’s not possible, and it would be more disappointing and destructive to say “we’re passing” to your partner, then you need to assess the Sacrifice Factor.
Basically, how much of a sacrifice are you making for your partner by having sex with someone you aren’t attracted to just so your partner can have an amazing, mind-blowing experience they’ll thank you for?
To work this out, ask yourself if there anything you can find within that person that you connect with. Sometimes when we first meet someone they don’t look physically attractive but over a couple of hours you find aspects of their personality that you like and connect with. This makes them somewhat attractive. Well, at least enough to kiss and play with without needing a shower or therapy afterwards. If the person is repulsive, abusive or you have absolutely have NO connection with then the Sacrifice Factor is high.
So if it isn’t much of a sacrifice then “taking one for the team” isn’t really a major issue and possibly a good choice because overall it produces feel good energy in the relationship. If it’s a massive sacrifice and more detrimental to the relationship to go through with it, then no is the only answer. That person forever remains fantasy material until the next drop-dead gorgeous potential playmate shows up and let’s hope they have a super sexy partner so everyone hits the jackpot!