Let’s Bust Some Myths about Submission

Close up of a woman with pale lipstick holding a leather and stainless steel bdsm collar

There is a lot of mythology and outright bullshit surrounding submission, even though the practice is growing, both in the bedroom and as a lifestyle. Many of the myths surrounding submission can be damaging, not only to those who practice, but for those who may be curious. So let’s get to some of the truths, and bust some myths about submission.

Submissives are always female

…and Dominants are always men?! Nope. One of the reasons we see so few men identifying as submissives, is that the obvious submissive traits - giving, obedient, eager to please - are seen as ‘feminine’. Men have just as much predilection to submission as women; they just have a harder time acting on it due to both the lingering ‘taboo’ of kink itself, and the societal idea of how ‘A Man’ should behave. 

Submissives don’t have any control over their situation

The fact is that most submissives have more control over their situation than a person in a non-kink relationship due to the prevalence of negotiated consent in submissive/Dominant (D/s) dynamics. Not only are any potential activities discussed between a sub and their Dom, but both must consent to the activity, and STOP the activity if either party uses a safe word

In a well-functioning D/s dynamic, neither party has ultimate control - power is given and received in a way that will be mutually beneficial.

Submissives have mental issues

Rather than being mentally weaker, there is some research that suggests people who identify as submissive are less neurotic than both the general population, and the Dominant identifying kinksters. Subs also tend to score higher with self-esteem and sociability. 

The myth of the ‘mental issue’ is not reserved for submissives. It’s only five years ago that any person indulging in ‘abnormal sexual desires involving extreme or dangerous activities’ could be considered to have ‘mental issues’ due to the fact the psychiatric diagnosis guide said so. When the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Ed (DSM-5) was published in 2014, it was acknowledged that these activities are only problematic (or pathological) if causing dysfunction in someone’s day-to-day life.

Submissives get turned on by pain

Not necessarily. Just as we see a lot of imagery suggesting every submissive is female (we’re even guilty with the image we chose to go with this article), we see almost as much suggesting submissives are all lip-quiveringly hawt over pain and impact play. The people who do get pleasure from their own pain are masochists, and although they have significant representation amongst submissives, they are not definitively submissive by nature; just as a submissive is not necessarily a masochist. 

If there’s a generality to getting a submissives turned on, it’s the genuine provision of risk-aware, safe, consensual play with a trustworthy Dominant.

Submissives are just asking to be abused

No one asks to be abused. No one.

It’s true that submissives may ask for any number of things that some people may find beyond their comprehension - be it physical, emotional, or psychological. It’s also true that some of these activities are known forms of torture eg. bondage, bastinado (foot caning). 

Submissives are not immune to abuse, but what happens within the confines of a negotiated and consensual kink scene is play. 

Submissives can never have a ‘normal’ relationship

This is a doozy, huh?! 

Submissives have ‘normal’ relationships all the time. If you want to get all semantic about it - which I do (words are radcakes) - submissives can potentially have a more ‘normal’ relationship than the norm. Many D/s relationships have some sort of protocols in place - rituals and rules for certain times or activities. ‘Conforming to a standard’ is the very definition of normality, and submissives are known to be eager to conform to the standards set by their Dominants.

Submissives will submit to YOU because you are ‘Dominant’

On the other hand, this could be the doozy. 

We’ve all seen it; Doms complaining that they meet a submissive that doesn’t submit to them; complaining of a lack of respect when those who identify as subs don’t capitalise their pronouns or use their title. There’s a lingering idea that a submissive is like some sort of communal servant, ready to please and serve those who ask.

Just because someone identifies as a submissive does not mean they need to be showing their submissive tendencies to you. 

There is no evidence to suggest submission is harmful, or that submissives are anymore broken, vulnerable, or out of control than anyone else - quite the contrary. Recent research is starting to look into the benefits of kink and BDSM, and so far, the kink community shows increased levels of relationship security, self-esteem, empathy, and communication skills when compared to their non-kink counterparts. 

There’s a reason submissives love what they do. Perhaps we put aside that other myth that subs can’t speak for themselves, and actively listen when they voice that passion.


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  • Leelikes


    More than a month ago

    Thank you for a great article , being a lifestyle submissive I always have to explain that its not a sexual thing , its the need to please and serve .
    Its not that im doing this to get off , its the way I was born , so thank you and hopefully a lot of ppl will read it

  • Turnuson1


    More than a month ago

    When a submissive female is just lying there with very little interaction, I find that a turn off.

    • KinkyGirl101


      More than a month ago

      Did you read the article? You seem to think it was about sex.

  • F2Msub


    More than a month ago

    Good article
    If I get asked again by a total stranger ,how sub are you?
    How bout some creativity.

  • slavehunter60


    More than a month ago

    This so very true.

  • Photos in private gallery


    More than a month ago

    Great work. i hope you write a book.

  • anchor.rope


    More than a month ago

    Great article!

  • SirandMissGrace


    More than a month ago

    Very well written article and all very true.As a Submissive in a full time committed Dom/Sub relationship I can relate to a lot of what you have said and it's nice that someone is finally trying to educate people on just how special a good healthy Dom/Sub relationship can be.i have never felt more safe, loved, respected and appreciated as I do in my current relationship.its a very exciting lifestyle.
    Miss Grace

  • ausguysyd1992


    More than a month ago

    that’s a really interesting and well written article - thanks for sharing !

  • FoxDen.AustWide


    More than a month ago

    Fantastic, and very well written. It's what I say all the time.

  • SandraD1973


    More than a month ago

    Great topics and spot on !!! Submission takes a great deal of strength, self awareness/compassion and trust.

  • Ifuwannadome


    More than a month ago

    Well im 1 female that is def not submissive

  • Desirable4u


    More than a month ago

    OK... now i actually enjoyed reading your understanding ..
    Right on point.. I'm def submissive to whom I choose to be.
    Control and Trust are the biggest issues for me.
    Being in Control of my Life at large, its real relaxing and sexually self expressive
    to let Go , submit and allow an experienced Dom within my boundaries
    and safe words take Control, allowing the real inner Vixen in me out to play.
    You may think its all play but its Quite Real to me and the heightened
    sense of arousal it entices is Blissful.
    the fine line between pleasure and pain.
    thankyou MisKnickers

  • BareNakedLady73


    More than a month ago

    Thanks for this article.
    I'm wondering what your view is about 'switching'

  • AlegraRose93


    More than a month ago

    So glad to see you are writing again <3

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