So You Want To Be A Submissive?

So you’ve decided that the thought of being submissive appeals to you, and you want to take it beyond a fantasy - where do you start? What does it take to be a submissive, and how can you tell if it’s something you actively want to explore? With so many ways to submit, how do you work out what’s right for you?

The Desire to be Submissive:

Regardless of whether they’re part of the bdsm community or keep their kink confined to the bedroom, one common thing that truly successful submissives have is a real desire to be submissive. For some, it’s part of their general nature, they enjoy serving others or have masochistic tendencies. For others, submission is a way to relinquish control and responsibility, to relax away from the demands of everyday life. Really, the only ‘right’ way to enjoy your submission is negotiated with your Dominant or play partner. 

Although communicating this desire can be tricky, particularly if your sex life has been generally mainstream, the ability to express your desire to submit will be a good start to being submissive. With consent being so vital to these activities, be sure your partner knows the role you expect them to play, particularly when this is new to them too. 

Knowing Your Limits (and Communicating Them):

Ahhhh… limits. The things we won’t do… Yes, we all have them. And yes, it’s fine. It really is fine. Not only is it okay to voice them, but for enthusiastic, happy, and trusting consent to occur, it’s pretty much vital. Submissives’ limits are not defined by their Dominants; rather, play is negotiated within the confines of both parties limits. 

If contemplating bringing some D/s to your life, whether for sexy fun, or the BDSM-based action, a written record is brilliant. Write down your thoughts on limits and change them as often as you need to. Much like our kinks and fetishes, our limits can change and evolve. When the time comes and a play opportunity arises, you’ll be clear about where you’re at, and ready to say so. Those with established relationships can include their partners in the process. A shared hand-written journal, or an email or text thread, not only keeps you connected to the kinky and playful side of your life, but it serves as a definitive guide to what is (and isn’t) ok at that point in time. 

Personally, I love exploring my limits; watching them progress and regress, and examining why they change.   

The Ability To Say ‘No’ and/or Safeword:

This probably seems super obvious, but saying ‘no’ or safewording during play can be really difficult for some submissives. Many of them want to be of service, so to not agree to do something for the person they’re submitting to sometimes feels ‘wrong’. Hard limit or not, if someone asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, say no. For some, being submissive may equate to ‘doing what you’re told’, but always keep in mind it’s within your agreed boundaries. 

If your Dominant knows you will use safewords, there more opportunity for them to indulge in much more dynamic and edgy play. It also means they have a definitive stopping point if for some reason you’re triggered. The Traffic Light System is a standard starting point (Green = All Good Amber/Orange = Close to a limit Red = Stop Immediately). Safewording is NOT a sign of weakness, it’s not a show of ‘tapping out’ - it’s a sign of self-awareness, self-care and care for your partner. And it enhances trust. Do keep in mind, for some people vocal safewording is difficult. Physiologically this can relate to the fight/flight/freeze response activated by the play, leaving the person literally voiceless or incoherent. Plus the breathtaking nature of deep subspace can lead to a lack of coherence that makes safewording tricky. It’s always good to have a hand signal as back-up for when words literally escape you.

Educate Yourself:

Submission doesn’t mean accepting a random Dom-splanation on what you ‘should’ do if you ‘really’ are submissive. Being the ‘receiver’ of the play, doesn’t make you any less responsible for the risk inherent to that particular scene. 

Whatever kinky plans you make - whether it’s roleplay, impact, sensation, or purely sexual - if it’s something you’re unfamiliar with it’s a great idea to read up on the topic. If we haven’t covered it on an AMM Blog, then a web search will surely help. Primarily, check out any common risks associated with the activity, and the precautionary items to have on hand. Also establish if any current health conditions can increase the risk of the play, eg. people with low blood pressure face an increased risk of dizziness, light-headedness and/or fainting when indulging in some types of bondage. There are generally ways to indulge in the play and minimize the risk to your body, but this is dependent on both the individual physicality, and the amount of risk one is willing to take. 

Educating yourself gives you great insight into potential partners; is the person wanting to Dominate you risk-aware? If you know your stuff, you’ll soon know if they really know theirs.

Ultimately submission is a game played by two, so make sure your partner is on the same page and enthusiastic to take the Top role. Just a little thought and understanding can change your day-to-day relationship into something with a sexy and surprising twist, while at the same time exploring a whole new side of yourselves. However you play it, be risk-aware, be keen, and do it with people you love, trust and/or respect, and it’s pretty hard to go wrong. Happy thoughts, and enjoy your kink!

Although the image used with this blog post is a female, the article content applies to both sexes and there are many males who enjoy being submissive or who have a more dominant partner which we have discussed in previous blog posts.

33 Comments

  • Gloriahhh Photo
    Gloriahhh
    More than a month ago

    I'm interested in being guided by an experienced dom. Not sure best way to find one?

  • BigSarge1980 Photo
    BigSarge1980
    More than a month ago

    Just remember the man who is apparently going to make America great again is a dom. In his words you "grab them by the pussy" - Donald Trump.

    • KinkyGirl101
      More than a month ago

      But that's not what a dom does. Trump isn't a dom, he's a rapist.

    • BigSarge1980 Photo
      BigSarge1980
      More than a month ago

      I'm not serious. That man is a twit. I agree with you.

  • VeryHorny952 Photo
    VeryHorny952
    More than a month ago

    I love being a sub. My Dom always makes sure I'm ok & safe, he cares for me. We both trust & care for each other. I love been spanked hard & not so hard,I often cum when my pussy is spanked & defiantly cum when my nipples are squeezed hard or clamped. My Dom plays with me for hours making me cum up to 20 times or more. He talks dirty to me that excites me. I had my big boobs roped up the other night it felt fantastic & horny. I love it all, I don't know why I love it but I cum so many times so it's perfect for me. I remember when I was 6 the female teacher
    Told me to pull my knickers down ,bend over and she spanked my bare bottom. I also remember being 8 & up going to bed and making myself tuck my legs under my body & lying back on them to see how long I could put up with the pain. It sounds weird doesn't it. I was brought up in a loving family with a good education. I just seem to like the pain.

  • Barb13nK3n Photo
    Barb13nK3n
    More than a month ago

    I have been involved with the D/s life for over 25 years. My wife and I have had two different full time live in slaves live within our home. One for 8 years, one for 2 years. My wife herself is my slave.

    Some poplular misconceptions are:
    1) Only weak, insecure, stupid women wish surrender to another. My experience has been quite the contrary. It takes great strength, courage and truly knowing ones own truth to surrender. In order to embrace these requisites it also takes intelligence to arrive honestly at that point.

    2) Domination is about taking what you want. Incorrect, Domination is about receiving a precious gift from someone worthwhile who has determined you are worthy of receiving it.

    3) A Dominant doesn't need to explain himself. Incorrect, Domination and submission is a highly intense relationship based on trust and understanding. If you can't communicate you can't own.

    4) Any man who purports himself to be Dominant has insecurities he hasn't dealt with and anger issues. Incorrect, there are some that the exact is the reality.

    Domination and submission is a hybrid relationship in my eyes. A supercharged relationship such as this is more requisite than normal of the pillars that uphold a vanilla relationship. Respect, trust, communication and integrity. The old addage applies if you cannot abide by your own need for self discipline then how on earth can you realistically expect another to do so in your service.

    There are many recounts of abuse, capitalisation and selfishness within the confines of a Master/ slave, Dominant/ submissive relationship. However these are usually perpetrated by those that would be guilty of the same in a vanilla relationship. Please understand there are also many examples of wonderfully fulfilling and incredibly healthy relationships within the confines of this lifestyle. It all comes back to the caliber of those that are existent within that relationship.

    So in closing, you can't make strawberry jam out of cow shit. If you are involved with sub standard souls be they Dominant or submissive you will have sub standard relationships. If you are involved with souls of depth, understanding and clarity things are going to be much better.

    As an annexe to this I don't expect everyone to agree with me, this is merely a sharing of my experience, observances and reality.

    Kind Regards

  • JAKZBAK Photo
    JAKZBAK
    More than a month ago

    I have looked into Dom sub for some time. I do believe I have the character to be an excellent Dom. Finding a true sub,, now there is a task. Have met a few ladies who make the claim, but are really dom themself!


    JAKZ

  • Lollysaresweet1 Photo
    Lollysaresweet1
    More than a month ago

    Very interesting article
    Thank you..
    I believed in mutual attraction...a confident woman like me
    Likes to be submissive with someone sparks and mutual connection is important to me..if you really click.with your partner..then everything else will be fullfilled with regards to having that passion and intimacy without even talking about it..in your bedroom
    Regards
    Lollysaresweet1

  • Ninja1969
    More than a month ago

    Nothing in this article makes any sense to me.
    I am probably the paler side of vanilla but the entire BDSM thing is a very strange concept.
    Maybe too many sheep following tbe evils of Hollywood and B grade movies and books ( yes the shades of crap).
    I think this is fashion to the highest degree.
    Not anything that us of interest to me.

    • AMM.Editor Photo
      AMM.Editor
      More than a month ago

      Hardly a "fashion" bdsm has been around since ancient times and even the term "slave to love" has it's origins in bdsm. It's even documented in the Kama Sutra. But yes it is now being discussed more openly as our society becomes more attuned to sexuality and fetishes and more open about expressing our desires which is a good thing. Our blog topics aren't always going to appeal to everyone, but we try to post on a variety of sexuality topics and that includes bdsm.

  • shellygurl1970 Photo
    shellygurl1970
    More than a month ago

    Great article written there! Love it,and I hope lots of people read it!
    Shelly xx

  • AugustusSeizer Photo
    AugustusSeizer
    More than a month ago

    I see it differently. Consider tango, a dance with "leader" and "follower". That does not even imply inequality. It is a dance of equals with different ROLES. Dancers must obey rules or there is no tango, or perhaps dancing ends.

    Mutual consent means a leader can't take a follower where s/he does not want to go. Both must be delighted.

    In all close relationships there is a leader and a follower. Roles switch. I have seen gay tango dancers swap roles as they change direction. This seems difficult for straight tango dancers - maybe pants and skirts get in the way? :-)

    A "dominant role" is to create a time and place in which a "submissive" can safely abandon any need to Control Everything. "Don't hurt me!" is the rule - physically or emotionally. Make it safe in the moment, or in an activity (discussions, sex - kinky or not, anything). A "submissive" role is to be "worth the trouble" of the "dominant" to work to make things SAFE.

    That is life in healthy relationships. Roles MUST switch for both to be loved and cared for. Sex is only one expression of that mutual care, the leading and following.

    It is the RELATIONSHIP between the two dancers that is the thing. What else matters?

    • Account Closed
      More than a month ago

      Well said.

  • Tgirlm Photo
    Tgirlm
    More than a month ago

    I fully believe that I am supposed to be as I am not the other way of being in the wrong body I am a Two Spirit both male and female and I love it I'm so proud of who I am I'm lucky SPECIAL

  • Leolady727 Photo
    Leolady727
    More than a month ago

    Sorry, but I cannot understand WHY any woman would allow a man to dominate her - to me, only weak, insecure men want/need to be "Doms"

    • AMM.Editor Photo
      AMM.Editor
      More than a month ago

      Actually the post is gender neutral (except for the image) so we could be talking about submissive female with a dominant female, a submissive male with a dominant female, a submissive male with a dominant male or a submissive female with a dominant male. And the whole focus of the post is the person who would prefer to be submissive explaining that to their partner. It could be someone as simple as preferring their partner to take control during sex through to more bdsm related play.

    • Zamboon Photo
      Zamboon
      More than a month ago

      I agree in part that some men are with weak and insecure, they are the bullies in life - but take time to read or to search through the members list and see how many women want to be spanked - and worse - from light and playful to being flogged and tortured - its the women not always the man.
      I lost a potential gf years ago because I was "too nice and gentle" - the guy she took up with regularly "lost it" at home and in restaurants and public - ranting and screaming - and he took her whenever and wherever he wanted - shes still with him 25 years later ..? oh and shes a leggy blonde medical doctor - jic you thought it might be uneducated or inferior women who have this desire.
      On the other hand I have heard of high power male executives who regularly visit Mistresses to be humiliated and dominated - as is said in the article they need to hand over the power ...

    • AMM.Editor Photo
      AMM.Editor
      More than a month ago

      @Zamboon You are right about the high powered execs wanting to relinquish power to someone else out of the office. I've seen it time and again at kink parties and many professional mistresses would also agree.

    • Leolady727 Photo
      Leolady727
      More than a month ago

      I didn't say that it was written about women specifically - I just cannot understand why any woman would want to deliberately put herself in a position to be humiliated. Definitely NOT for me!

    • FoxDen.AustWide Photo
      FoxDen.AustWide
      More than a month ago

      @LeoLady727
      You, from your comments 'seem to be' (and it's not only you, but a tonne of women & men) always associating Dom/sub play with humiliation. My reply to that is blame the porn industry, cos the majority of the fetish-porn films are mainly about making the sub pay for being adventurous or slutty, or focus on the humiliation of the submissive. But that is just one of a thousand different roleplay types available to a sub in a D/s scenario.

      And submission can occur in other scenarios, not just in a Dom/sub sense.

      For example, allowing your self to be the 'pampered-centre of attention' or a 'very-willing-play-toy' between two hot guys for an MFM, is in a way.....'submitting yourself' to the pleasures of two cocks, whereas mainstream sex has always just involved a man and a woman and only a vagina.

      As for dominant's be insecure and weak......yes, most definitely there are one's out there, but in my years of experience in talking with hundreds of females on here and one other site, they generally tend to be the 'fake' Doms, coming across all tough and demanding, and treating unsuspecting newbies like nothing but a piece of meat, and expecting them to obey orders right from the get-go, even before they've chatted on the phone or met in public.

      I myself, never have to raise my voice, and before I call anyone a submissive, I have had long, careful conversations with them using proper English, polite words, and explained everything in as much detail as the newbie needs to fully understand the concepts I am trying to enlighten them with.

      So I hope this has helped dispel a couple of common misconceptions for you (and others) on the type of personality of good true dominance, as opposed to the amateurs giving responsible, caring dominants who follow the concept of 'safe, sane & consensual' in ALL play, (not just BDSM) a bad name. ^,,^

    • grownupfun Photo
      grownupfun
      More than a month ago

      Each to their own - but why read the article if you are so opposed to the idea?

      Some people say that being submissive gives them a kind of freedom.... permission to be and do things they'd not otherwise have tried. It has to be a conscious choice. Someone who is weak and 'just goes along' is a doormat and probably a pretty poor performer in bed. Submissives know what they want cos their limits tell them that *everything* is 'in' until the reach that boundary.

    • Leolady727 Photo
      Leolady727
      More than a month ago

      Oh, so now I have to be told what I can or can't read?

    • Zamboon Photo
      Zamboon
      More than a month ago

      Lol you hate the idea of someone suggesting something and you take it as being told what to do... makes me wonder what happened in the past - a bad experience perhaps? Relax for a bit - if during a play someone asks you to do it like this rather than that are you going to take your clothes and go home early? Chill and relax and communicate and enjoy ... you’re a lovely lady
      No not condescending take a breath and read all that you have written and think about it ...

    • Leolady727 Photo
      Leolady727
      More than a month ago

      OMFG, Zamboon - could you be any more condescending?

  • Speedy34
    More than a month ago

    This is a valuable piece of writing all new kinksters should read. Thanks for sharing

    • FoxDen.AustWide Photo
      FoxDen.AustWide
      More than a month ago

      Totally agree and am glad you read it Speedy34! ;) ^,,^

  • LadyDragon Photo
    LadyDragon
    More than a month ago

    I'm probably not a true Sub, but I adore a male who can be forceful (NO hurt!) enough to throw me around, "put me in my place" so to speak... I've always wondered what it would be like to be tied up & be truly unable to do ANYTHING about what was done to me. Unfortunately (or maybe not!) it's never happened, as lust has usually got the better before the ropes or whip were applied...
    However, in this age of #metoo, it becomes a real issue how much Dom/Sub is kink play & how much is misogynistic. (Please keep in mind I'm only looking from a female POV here)
    Dominance outside the bedroom is a huge problem for many women, and men. How much of the Dom/Sub play is kept to the bedroom & how much gets taken out into the "real" world? Or vice versa - brought from outside into the boudoir? Is this trait a part of a woman's or man's psyche in everyday dealings?
    Not to put a dampener on good *clean* fun, it's just such a big issue currently.
    I say again, as a fairly forceful woman myself, reversing the roles occasionally is really good therapy! C'monnn... hold me down & show me your big muscle...

  • Sydfunguy001
    More than a month ago

    How true and very well explained. I'm a submissive and I am finding very hard to find a lady that will accept this. All I want to do is to make sure that she is wanted , desired and pleasured. Above all made to feel sexy .

    • tvlcpl13 Photo
      tvlcpl13
      More than a month ago

      I totally can’t believe you are finding it hard to find a receptive princess , put your thoughts out to the universe . Someone is waiting for someone like you x

    • Zamboon Photo
      Zamboon
      More than a month ago

      put it all in your profile ... they will find you

    • U know U want 2
      More than a month ago

      Sadly, this is true. In the end I've taken most of the references to that off my profile, which makes it all a bit pointless when it's why I'm here...

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