I can’t come! Is that a problem?

Attractive woman in medical coat and glasses ready to answer sex related questions

Q: My girlfriend and I have a very active and fun sex life but sometimes it takes me ages to come, and other times I don’t at all. It’s always been like this (even with masturbation) and it’s never really bothered me but my girlfriend gets worried and paranoid that it’s her fault. I’ve tried to explain that it’s definitely not her, but that doesn’t seem to help. Is there something wrong with me?

This is a tricky one because while there are definitely a lot of people who suffer from ejaculation and erection issues, not everyone who experiences these sees it as something they “suffer” from, and look at it as just something they live with that doesn’t really bother them. In this particular case I’d say the one “suffering” is your girlfriend, and that is more likely coming from a lifetime of conditioning and believing that sex is all about orgasms, and that men are all about ejaculation and rock-hard cocks, and anything that deviates from that is weird, abnormal, and makes you (or her) a freak.

It’s not, it’s quite common, and you’re (both) perfectly normal. 

The thing is that while, yes, certain penile issues can have detrimental effects on your enjoyment of sex, this doesn’t seem to be the case with you at all. Your concern is for your girlfriend’s confidence and that niggling voice in the back of her head that tells her that your issue is her fault, and that can, unfortunately, do far more damage than you not coming ever could.

From your message I assume you’ve both had this conversation a lot and that you reassuring her just isn’t cutting it so, if you really do want to change there are a few things you can do.

  • Talk to a doctor. Even though it doesn’t seem to personally worry you there could be underlying medical reasons why this happens which could cause bigger problems in later life with prostate issues and other penis related stuff. A doctor can do a bunch of tests and give you advice on medications or techniques that could help.
  • Change the way you fuck, play, explore, and enjoy each other. If penetrative sex doesn’t do it for you, but other forms of play seem to be more successful in getting you to climax, then play around with that. Buy toys and accessories to spice it up and enhance the things you like. Try techniques like edging or give sensation enhancing creams and gels a go. Sex is far more than penetration and the more you experiment and play, the more fun you can have and the more ways you can both find to satisfy yourself.
  • Couple’s counselling can be a good way to air out all your relationship junk and have a neutral, objective person there to mediate, translate, and decipher all of it into ways you can both appreciate, understand, and begin to accept. You don’t need to have been married half your life to avail yourself of these services and if the relationship is one you both think is worth taking the time and effort to work through the road-bumps, then it’s never too early or too late to seek it out.

Good luck, I hope you both find a resolution and solution that helps!


  • Candygirl20


    More than a month ago

    A good reassuring article which applies to both men and women.

  • wickedcat


    More than a month ago

    I have had the same "issue" all my life ..... during sex it takes me a very long time to cum (if I cum at all) ... but my ex wives loved the looooong sessions.
    It has only been in the last few years that it has been more of a problem when playing with others that they make comments about "not being good enough" to get me to cum ...... despite my assurances that they were great and I enjoyed myself immensely.
    As I see it .... the real issue lies with the majority of men (especially younger men) who believe (through conditioning and mindset) that sex is primarily all about them cumming, and while it is enjoyable, and required for procreation, it is not a necessity.

    • cubetube


      More than a month ago

      I totally agree with wickedcat, women do seem to take the issue as a personal slight. My problem is nerve damage to my spinal cord after a motorbike accident and also falling through a pergola and landing on my back. I can still walk etc but I have numbness in my legs and pelvic region. My problem is that this causes a lack of sensitivity in my penis which sometimes when the woman is on top causes me to lose my erection as unless she's moving hard and fast I lose feeling. I try and move around into as many positions as possible so as to keep going but many times she will cum but I don't.

    • MrMike1969

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      My wife wants me to cum sooner but I like to please her for a long time, so I don't cum for ages. not an issue for me but for her. Nerve damage from previous sports injuries may contribute to this as well

    • aussiedom1965


      More than a month ago

      i have a similar problem but a friend i see loves it i can go days without cumming but look out when i do lol oh and she has figured out how to make me so whenever we catch up just before i am ready to go home she will finish me off

    • Mumma42

      Account Closed

      More than a month ago

      Really good article helps to realise that we are all different, orgasms aren't the be all or end all of sex.

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