Have you been listening to bad sex advice?

Ah the internet - land of endless knowledge and cat memes. What a world it is. You can find information about anything, and when I say anything, I mean it. You can look up a tasty roast pork recipe while listening to your favourite band do a live set, while chatting to someone halfway across the world, all while learning how to make the perfect bomb.

Seriously. It’s got it all. And, of course, with it all comes a bunch of stuff that’s not necessarily all that good – bomb making, for example.

Fake news, the buzz word of the last few years, is rife and getting worse. It’s not just your Avocado Wolfes making dumb fake news posts about cosmic mushrooms and “toxic” gravity any more, it’s spread to news rooms (although, Fox News has been called Faux News for years for a reason), to medical information sites (Belle Gibson or the Anti-Vax crowd anyone?).

It’s absolutely everywhere and it’s getting harder and harder to sort the truth from the lies and the real information from the twisted “science” and “alternative facts” that supposed professionals keep putting out there. Sex advice is no different. Every day I see something posted on my social media feeds that makes me grit my teeth and shake my head and scream at the computer “Omg NO! Don’t do that you’ll end up ruining your vagina omg!!” so I thought it important to put together a bit of a collection of some of the worst sex advice that’s out there, and try and help you all sort the fact from the fiction and point you in the right direction of where to go to get actual, proper advice.

Facebook Pages

Okay, so there are some really great and some really not-so-great pages and groups on Facebook that deal with sexual health and sex advice, and sometimes it’s super tricky to work out who is telling the truth and who is speaking out of their arse.

Probably one of the worst pages I’ve seen for sex advice is an ultra popular, ultra controversial group that I’ve been an on and off member in for years and I honestly cannot tell you if they offer “advice for bad girls” or “bad advice for girls”. I mean, yes, of course I know what they are trying to say, but if I had to describe it I would definitely say the latter. Look, don’t get me wrong, it’s great that there are groups dedicated to women’s voices, especially sexual voices, and it’s awesome to see so many young women exploring and expressing their sexuality, but the problem I have with it all comes from the fact that it’s a group full of the blind leading the blind. There are no actual sexual health or sex therapists running or admin-ing the group, there are no doctors in charge, no-one with any real qualifications or knowledge except that which they’ve read in a “Cosmo” magazine, and so when someone posts a question or a story in there the replies are a mix-matched tangle of truth, half-truths, downright lies, and information so very bad and dangerous it makes my vagina cry. 

For example I remember a post in there about douching. I commented about the difference between anal douching and vaginal douching and warned against the latter, only to be told by some ridiculous 19 year old that I was “kink shaming” and “basic” and that it was against the rules to shame people for their choices. Um… No. First of all douching your vagina isn’t a kink, it’s just a really great way to get thrush and bacterial vaginosis, and secondly telling people that they are doing something incredibly risky to their bodies isn’t shaming, it’s offering a professional opinion on a subject I have extensive knowledge on. But I digress. I have seen posts in there that claim you can’t catch STIs from oral sex (wrong), that babies in utero are safe from STIs (wrong), that coconut oil is the world’s greatest lube and is safe for all condoms and sex toys (wrong). I even once saw a thread in there about double-wrapping (using two condoms at the same time) being the best way to prevent STIs - it really, really isn’t. In fact it will most likely end up tearing the condom and increasing your risk exponentially, and this is the same for wearing both a condom and a femidom (a female condom that’s worn inside the vagina) at the same time. Just don’t. Choose one.

The thing is, Facebook groups like this can be a really good thing for so many reasons. Like I said at the start it’s brilliant to see women opening up and expressing themselves sexually, and having a large community of women to support you and be a part of can be wonderfully liberating for so many women out there, but unfortunately it does come with a price. Not only can the advice given out be false to the point of dangerous, but also, in inevitable internet fashion, the bullying and doxxing and trolling nastiness can be soul destroying. My advice to you is to always check with a reputable medical or sexual health website – Sexual Health Australia is a good one as is Health Direct - before taking any kind of advice given on a page like this, and always get real medical advice and treatment from a doctor.

Gwenyth and Gang

I already mentioned David Avocado Wolfe in the introduction, but unfortunately he is not the only crackpot out there selling super bad medical and sexual advice for the high cost of one of their “miracle cures” and possibly your own death. The internet is full of them, and one of the leading crackpots with terrible advice for your bits is Gwenyth Paltrow. Look, Gwen, I really liked you in Sliding Doors and I’m probably the only person on the planet who isn’t ashamed to admit I liked your song with Huey Lewis, but when it comes to sexual health and sex advice you really need to step the fuck back and leave it to actual professionals. Almost every bit of advice I have ever seen on her website has me cringing and closing my legs. A lot of it is blended in with a mix of old traditional practices and a bunch of spiritual woo which, considering how much woo-science and ancient spiritual language is the flavour du jour for all “enlightened” people (namaste, bitches), isn’t all that surprising, but it doesn’t stop it from being bad and sometimes dangerous advice.

From recommending vaginal steaming (squatting over a large bowl of steamy water filled with essential oils and whatnot) to cleanse and restore female hormones (no no no. Firstly the vagina cleans itself and secondly if you have hormonal imbalances please talk to a doctor, lavender oil will do nothing!!), to using a jade egg for kegel strengthening (while yes, using ben-wah balls and eggs is definitely a great way to strengthen the pelvic floor, jade and other mineral rocks are actually incredibly porous and will harbour all sorts of bad shit and knock your whole vaginal pH balance and health out of whack all while doing absolutely nothing for your chakra because crystals are just pretty rocks and not fucking medical miracle Sharmans or whatever), to warning people about the “bad energy” attached to lingerie you wore with a past lover that will ruin your new sex life and create bad juju in your relationship. Okay, I totally understand the need to rid yourself of exes past, and that memories connected to certain things might not be brilliant for a new relationship, but holy fuck, Gwen, we don’t all have millionaire status, and lingerie is fucking expensive, and if you’re the sort of person who believes in bad juju or whatever, then surely you’re also the sort of person who believes in “cleansing” with things like sage or crystals so why not just run a lump of quartz over it, say your “banishing spell” and save yourself $150? 

I really cannot stress enough that getting medical advice from celebrities with no actual medical qualifications is a bad idea. I don’t care how brilliant an actor or singer they are, if they’re spouting off medical advice it’s uber important you double check it against real, peer-reviewed medical advice because an actual medical or science degree outweighs a famous person’s “feels” every time.

Cosmo and Other Mags

Oh dear. Where do we start with Cosmo? It’s tricky because Cosmo really is (or at least was) a great magazine for young women. Especially back in the dark days before the internet. It was your one-stop-shop for fashion and make-up tips and articles about your favourite celebrities and all the fashion and make-up tips they used… Okay, fine, it was a rather shallow beauty magazine that every now and then had a steamy “sealed section” where you could learn about masturbation or read Mills and Boon type erotica, but it was definitely part of that wonderful coming-of-age magazine collective like Dolly and Cleo that sought to educate, inform and empower young women. Enter Cosmo of the new millennium and I couldn’t be more disappointed. Seriously. For one of the world’s most famous and long-running publications, surely they could afford to employ a sex advice giver who actually knows what they’re talking about? I’m sure most of you have seen their terrible doughnut tip (put his penis through the hole and nibble at the doughnut… No I’m totally not joking) but they have even worse advice than that! Like sprinkling pepper under his nose just before he comes because a sneeze will add to the orgasm intensity, or the super non consensual tip of filming your session in secret or, even worse, getting someone to hide in the closet, unbeknownst to your partner, to watch you both (Just stop it!). I cannot stress to you enough that it is not only really fucking bad form to do those last two, it can also be illegal and a form of sexual assault, so just don’t be a dickhead and make sure your partner is aware of any other people or recording devices you may want to bring into the bedroom.

The main thing to remember is if it sounds dumb, or a bit dangerous, or something you will have to hide from your partner, then listen to your instincts. Anything to do with food and genitals is a bad idea, as is anything that requires you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Yes, one person’s discomfort is another person’s kink, but you know yourself well enough to know if that tickle in your tummy is nervous excitement or nervous fear, listen to it.

When it comes to seeking advice, and it really doesn’t matter what advice you’re looking for be it sex, or gardening, or food, or anything, the best people to go to are the experts. Just as you wouldn’t seek plumbing advice from an English teacher, so shouldn’t you be getting your sex advice off an actor, or a random girl called Becky in your Facebook group. When it comes to sexual health look at legitimate medical websites (ending in .org is often a good indicator they’re not just out to sell you something) and there are some good Aussie state based sites to be found on google. And with other sex advice I suggest researching the people giving it (what qualifies them to be giving out this information?) and the website or publication they are giving it on and, most importantly of all, double check everything you hear and read and listen to your gut. Stay safe, stay informed, and stay sexy! I do hope you will take my advice on this. 

What’s the worst sex advice you’ve ever been given?

24 Comments

  • Plentyoffun1 Photo
    Plentyoffun1
    More than a month ago

    Interesting OPINIONS some may be factual but then again some are totally false . Putting a celebrities name in your article what gave you that idea ,sure you could write "a well know celebrity ",but naming her it is defamation- Really can't you write a sensible article without it - thankyou though as it was rather comical your tone particularly sounds like u consider yourself quite highly

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      Mate.
      It's a well known and highly publicised fact that people like Gwenyth Paltrow and the Avocado dude are full of crap. And dangerous crap at that.
      There are peer reviewed scientific papers that directly rebuff certain claims as well as hundreds of articles and papers written by well known, professional scientists nutritionists, sex educators, and others.
      It's not slander to repeat what someone has literally said and debunk it with facts. That's fact-based writing. Something that's getting lost in this world of fake news and conspiracy theories... But that is actually the point of journalism and other writing. Strange but true. </sarc>
      So yes. While it is an opinion that these people are idiots it's a fact that their information is bullshit.

      And yes.
      I do think highly of myself.
      I'm awesome.
      Thanks for noticing.
      ;)

    • KinkyGirl101 Photo
      KinkyGirl101
      More than a month ago

      Defamation can only be proven if the claim is false and in this case it's not. Google bad advice Gwyneth Paltrow and you'll see there is a raft of medical professionals who speak out against the advice offered on Goop so pretty sure there would be a long line in front of Eva. To quote one “If a medical provider such as a doctor, nurse, or dietitian were to promote practices with unproven scientific claims,” he said, “there could be consequences, such as coming under review by the licensing board, being sued for malpractice, or losing your license to practice.” This is the issue, people naively believe what they read. Thank you for speaking honestly Eva.

  • cowgaluvoldrmen
    More than a month ago

    Well well lol I’ve learnt something!
    No one person is the same ! What gets one if ain’t going to get another pleased !
    To much wham bam thank you mam ! It’s about exploring, getting to know the person on a personal level not just dipping ya dick in thinking all women are the same , goes other way around !
    Really ppl go by this type of shit? !
    They need to pull there heads out breathe fresh air and actually live !

  • strechticles
    More than a month ago

    Thankfully Common Sense had this issue sorted even before the internet existed. The whole post Y2K phenomenon clearly is in full effect when we need internet advice on Internet advice, advising us to see real professionals about our sexual health and not to listen to quacks on the internet (because common sense only covered analog quacks).
    Maybe if Cosmo had've printed this in paperback it would be less ironic, or just as ironic.
    So as common sense has always advised, continue to ignore non-professional advice & quacks...and Cosmo...and Avocado...and internet advice.
    And always remember, the internet is for porn, so it use responsibly ;) lmao

  • LadyDragon Photo
    LadyDragon
    More than a month ago

    Worst sex advice... don't know how I didn't get pregnant between 17-18 using the "get off at Redfern" method! That was back in the days of "Hair" on stage...
    I was one of those naiive innocents who thought if I hugged women I might turn lesbian...! Now I love seeing my bi or gays friends getting it off in total abandon... AND joining in! So long ago... so much 'water' (& sperm!) & bad advice under the *bridge*!

  • forcemenow
    More than a month ago

    I would agree with you with a lot you had to say. 2 condoms and the wrong lube and std's are definately something to make some educated decisions about and the more you read the more you learn.
    I remember at 12 leaving my mum and adult sisters stunned with a detailed run down of the billings method when they were having a discussion about trying to get pregnant. It just happened to be a sealed section from a magazine I stole from a dr's office, hey I wasn't getting any info at home so I did my own research. I know that what works for one person and how they do it may differ to someone else that doesn't have a good result. Sometimes though when something works for you it's time to say fuck what ppl say and just do it for yourself.
    As much as dr's, witch doctors, herbalists and naturpaths know, the person that knows your body better than anyone is you.
    I think the worst bit of info I ever got was from a guy and it was "watch some porn and you'll get it" and that was regarding how a vagina should look. Must say I was given the information but didn't feel the need to have an operation to conform to how an inexperienced, uninformed twit without a twat had any place telling me how mine should look. The ones that look like they've been trimmed with the dress making scissors are pretty but that's like me telling a partner to grow or remove a foreskin. I don't think he will ever forget the shit storm of a conversation that followed that statement.

  • Leolady727 Photo
    Leolady727
    More than a month ago

    Great article, Eva - made me chuckle a time or 2. I also roll my eyes when one of my "friends" shares something from David Avocado Wolfe (I mean, what sort of loony puts "Avocado" in his name?). I also get annoyed at the whole "kink-shaming" thing - it's getting so that I cannot express any conflicting opinion on certain pages without being accused of this.

    Worst advice? I think it was from Cleo magazine many, many years ago to always douche the vagina after one's period.

    • triXXXi66 Photo
      triXXXi66
      More than a month ago

      im fairly sure you can replace cooking margarine with copha in some recipes.....as i know you can use coconut oil in cakes etc...but melted first ...so kinda same /same

  • triXXXi66 Photo
    triXXXi66
    More than a month ago

    Still gotta say we love coconut oil... seems heaps more natural than so many orher concoctions which just get sticky or dry up.

    • fuckuall35 Photo
      fuckuall35
      More than a month ago

      Olive oil rocks

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      It's got some amazing qualities.
      But neither of them are safe for latex condoms or certain sex toys.
      Or nice sheets. Haha.

    • chesswiseagain Photo
      chesswiseagain
      More than a month ago

      How about Almond Oil ?

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      Your clue is in the word "oil"

      :)

    • triXXXi66 Photo
      triXXXi66
      More than a month ago

      Havent had a problem with coconut with any of my 23 plus sex toys... also coconut oil is in a different category than olive oil... coconut oil is not supposed to block pores and is absorbed by the body better as i understand it.. anyway.. each to their own

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      Yeah. It may not make super visible damage, like it won't necessarily spilt a condom like Vaseline or baby oil doeedoes... But it degrades the latex to the point of it becoming an ineffective barrier. All oils do to a degree. And that can be even more dangerous than a split because you won't notice.
      And same with sex toys. It can degrade certain materials. And will void warranties.

      It can be great for the skin. And it can smell wonderful. And it can be good for sensitive skin and sensitivities...

      But it is not safe for latex and rubber and other porous materials.
      It just isn't.

    • Account Closed
      More than a month ago

      Mmm and I imagine cream-pies taste like coconut-ice..... Or am I just sick?

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      Haha.
      If you use coconut oil... Yes... They may taste slightly like that.
      A sort of salty, soapy coconut ice. Haha.


    • triXXXi66 Photo
      triXXXi66
      More than a month ago

      Some coconut oil can be totally tasteless and have no aroma... i prefer the more real smelling/tasting one.. so yes.. its actually meant for cooking etc also .. otherwise known as copha! You know chocolate crackles are made with copha! Lol

    • DeliciousEva Photo
      DeliciousEva
      More than a month ago

      Also, random fact that I found out while trying to explain chocolate crackles to an American... Copha is ONLY sold in Australia and NZ and practically it's only uses are crackles and white Christmas.
      Like that's it.. Yet it's been around since before I was born...

      Us Aussies must eat a hell of a lot of Chocolate Crackles.

      (in America and UK of they make them they just melt chocolate)

  • Richo22665
    More than a month ago

    Great post and really sound advice the old adage get good advice from reputable trusted sources and not flake and fakes and Charlatans

  • Neonjackstar2 Photo
    Neonjackstar2
    More than a month ago

    I absolutely agree with you here! While the internet is a great tool, there are loads and loads of misinformation and damn right lies out there! If you want to find out more about something read more than just one article or visit more than one site! Advice from professionals should be held in higher regard than some random, talking out their own butt!!

  • Loveis6976 Photo
    Loveis6976
    More than a month ago

    What an entertaining,educational and awesome article Eva.
    Thank you!!!
    S.

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