Why it is easier to experiment with a hook up partner?

Q: I’ve got a question but I think it’s more of an observation. I don’t know. I’d been with my partner for years and for some reason couldn’t tell him certain things I wanted to do with sex (I’ve been fantasising certain BDSM things lately), but as soon as we broke up and I started seeing other people I was super assertive in what I wanted and it was heaps easier to let go and experiment. Why do you think that is?

A. It’s interesting that we as humans do this, and it’s not just with sex either. Sometimes it’s just easier to open up and discuss difficult or different things with people we don’t know that well, or have little to no personal connection with.

It’s why the Confessional works, or why we see therapists and can tell doctors about the weird rash we’ve never shown anyone close to us. That confidence in anonymity allows us to express ourselves in ways we couldn’t normally.

The why is actually really simple. Basically, in those situations, we have nothing to lose. There’s nothing huge at stake.

With a partner, especially a long-term one, the idea of bringing up something new and outside the box (especially sexually) can be daunting. Yes there is a lot of trust, and loyalty, and connection built up over the time you’ve been together… But that is also the main source of your vulnerability in “coming out”. 

I mean, with someone new you can say “tie me up and spank me!” and if they say no… Well okay. Next!

But to a lover you have a deep connection with, who you have shared so much intimacy with… What if they say no? And look shocked? Or disgusted? Or any number of reactions that are less than enthusiastic?. So instead we play it safe and stick with routine and try not to rock the boat.

It’s not easy to change our routines, but it can definitely be worth it in the long-term and, while there’s that fear it could pull you apart, the reality is opening up and showing your vulnerabilities to a lover can be an amazing way of bringing you closer.

I’m so glad you’re finally getting what you want in the bedroom… And I do hope there wasn’t too much heartbreak to get there, and always remember there’s nothing weird or freaky about changing up your sex life. Just the possibility of more orgasms!


  • davidwilson1 Photo
    More than a month ago


  • gameofbones69 Photo
    More than a month ago

    We are free to be ourselves in a trusting relationship. As a couple we are open to ask any question and do so without fear. A lesson that we've learnt together is that you never think about what negative response you might get but rather the fun and further connection your ideas might induce.

  • Account closed
    More than a month ago

    I believe that with a stranger, you can be whoever you want. What I mean by that, is when I meet a man for the first time, or even the second, they don't know me before, so I can be the wildest woman in the world if I want and suggest anything. If they don't like it or don't like me, they never have to see me again. However, when I had a long term partner, it was very hard to suggest to him to do new things, as he was very old fashioned and I was worried that if I asked him to do something different, I would lose him and I didn't want to lost him. Since then, he has passed away, and now when I meet men, I am the real person who I really am. Love me the way I am or don't love me at all. At my age now, I have tried so many things just for the experience of it. Some things I like and some things I don't, but I am not afraid now to say what I like nor what I don't like. I think age has something to do with knowing what you want and not afraid of saying it lol. I think if you know that suggesting something different to your partner may put your relationship at jeopardy, it is a risk of losing that person, or having them think differently of you than they did before. I was lucky though, that my long term partner actually did suggest something to me, which was very pleasant and we tried it and loved it, and continued to do it. It is frustrating though, when you want to reach out and try new things, but your partner is not on the same page.

  • XplorePleasure Photo
    More than a month ago

    Quite simply its Fear. Fear of being laughed at, dismissed, being thought of as weird.
    The old saying you can talk about anything with a stranger is true.
    Being honest with yourself is difficult for nearly all of us. Expressing your desires is one of those.

  • friskypuz Photo
    More than a month ago

    If my husband didn't talk to me about trying different things I wouldn't be here, however he is now just as happy to be vanilla, while my lover likes to push the boundaries with me that he would never do with his wife..

  • Account closed
    More than a month ago

    I agree completely with this article. This is why mistresses were so popular years ago.
    I think experimental sex can be easier with a sex partner than your life partner. It is more liberating to go wild with someone else and if things go wrong, as you say, you can move on. No damage done to your main partner.
    It's still important to take things slowly and talk in depth about desires and barriers.
    I'm still looking for that experimental partner though.

  • triXXXi66 Photo
    More than a month ago

    Its true that speaking you mind... letting desires and kinks be known to your long term partner can be daunting... but its worth it. It brings an awesome sense of intimacy and trust when those feelings are understood and reciprocated

    • gameofbones69 Photo
      More than a month ago

      Totally agree. We have thrown fear off the bus and replaced it with total trust in us and wow do we have fun!

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