Q: I’ve got a question but I think it’s more of an observation. I don’t know. I’d been with my partner for years and for some reason couldn’t tell him certain things I wanted to do with sex (I’ve been fantasising certain BDSM things lately), but as soon as we broke up and I started seeing other people I was super assertive in what I wanted and it was heaps easier to let go and experiment. Why do you think that is?
A. It’s interesting that we as humans do this, and it’s not just with sex either. Sometimes it’s just easier to open up and discuss difficult or different things with people we don’t know that well, or have little to no personal connection with.
It’s why the Confessional works, or why we see therapists and can tell doctors about the weird rash we’ve never shown anyone close to us. That confidence in anonymity allows us to express ourselves in ways we couldn’t normally.
The why is actually really simple. Basically, in those situations, we have nothing to lose. There’s nothing huge at stake.
With a partner, especially a long-term one, the idea of bringing up something new and outside the box (especially sexually) can be daunting. Yes there is a lot of trust, and loyalty, and connection built up over the time you’ve been together… But that is also the main source of your vulnerability in “coming out”.
I mean, with someone new you can say “tie me up and spank me!” and if they say no… Well okay. Next!
But to a lover you have a deep connection with, who you have shared so much intimacy with… What if they say no? And look shocked? Or disgusted? Or any number of reactions that are less than enthusiastic?. So instead we play it safe and stick with routine and try not to rock the boat.
It’s not easy to change our routines, but it can definitely be worth it in the long-term and, while there’s that fear it could pull you apart, the reality is opening up and showing your vulnerabilities to a lover can be an amazing way of bringing you closer.
I’m so glad you’re finally getting what you want in the bedroom… And I do hope there wasn’t too much heartbreak to get there, and always remember there’s nothing weird or freaky about changing up your sex life. Just the possibility of more orgasms!