Revenge Sex: Have you gone there?

After The Breakup

We’ve all been there. That period of time between the heartbreak of a breakup and the realising that you’re finally over it, where you start thinking about possibly getting back out there and getting a bit of loving for your lonely, heartbroken soul. For the most part this is a good thing! While it’s important to allow ourselves time to grieve the end of a relationship or connection, it’s also crucial to not let ourselves get swept up in the wallowing and misery of self pity, and to start living life again. There’s no magic time period, it all happens at its own pace, but it’s vital to go into a new experience for no other reason other than you’re ready to have a good time, and by that, I mean not for the purpose of hurting or getting back at someone.

Rebound V Revenge

I think the main difference between the two acts is the intent behind them. Whereas rebound sex is more about regaining or finding something positive for yourself, revenge sex is far more about wanting to hurt someone else, and I never think that’s a particularly wise or good idea.

Although rebound sex can come with a whole bunch of issues in itself and doesn’t always work out to be the best thing, it can often be quite a positive thing. 

I really can’t say the same for revenge sex. 

Like the old saying goes, holding onto grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, and it’s so true. There is nothing positive that can come from it except holding on to lingering negativity that is unnecessary to your life.

Revenge sex is the same.

Fucking your ex partners’ best friend/brother/sister/boss/parent (yes I have heard of all these and more) just to hurt your ex will only lead to trouble and hurt, if not on your part, then on someone else’s, and not necessarily the person you set out to hurt in the first place. Seriously, just don’t do it. It’s never worth it in the end.

Positives and Negatives

Getting back in the saddle after a breakup can be really hard. There are so many things to consider, the main one being are you actually ready? But to be honest, that’s something you may not know until after the fact. For example, you could be totally ready… You’re over your ex, you’re horny as hell, your date is nice… you think why not! And then, sometime during the date or just after a song comes on the radio and reminds you of your ex and suddenly you’re right back in the puddle of misery you were in a month ago, everything is shit again, and you’ve just had sex with someone else and you feel all fucked up and confused inside. That’s perfectly normal, as much as it sucks, and is something you really need to keep in mind might happen.

But, as Newton said of physics, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and I reckon it’s completely applicable here. Take that above situation for example. You do the thing, and that song comes on the radio and reminds you that woo-hoo you’re free! You’re a hot, single, awesome person who just had brilliant sex that you deserve because you’re a goddam superstar!

It could also, and this is far more often the case, just be a great night that you may or may not decide to do again, and the world didn’t crumble, or explode into fireworks… And you can breathe a little clearer and see the future a little brighter.

Self Care and Preservation

As with all things to do with sex, looking after your health, safety, and well-being is uber important. I probably don’t need to remind you to be safe and use condoms and have a check-in/debrief friend (especially if you’re meeting a new person, and yes, guys, I mean you as well. Please have a friend to talk to about your stuff. It’s super important), but the kind of self preservation and care I’m meaning here is more to do with your mental health, and readiness for intimacy with someone new. 

Understand that, good or bad, this experience will be different than the last time you had sex. Especially if this “rebound” is from a long-term relationship. Long-term-relationship sex is totally different to start-of-the-relationship sex and one-night-stand sex, and it’s important to remember that. The intimacy is different. The passion and, for want of another word, hunger is different. Their body, their likes, their tastes, their desires… the way they touch you. It will all be different and it can sometimes make your head spin a little bit.

Live In The Moment

Life on the other side of a relationship can be a huge upheaval and change. Often your friendship groups can break down or change, you may have moved into a brand new place, you’re re-navigating life as a single person, and getting to know who you are as that person. Please don’t fuck that up by reading too much into a situation or expecting to much. While yes, I have known great loves and relationships that have come out of a rebound hook-up, it really shouldn’t be your primary focus for the experience. Like sure, it doesn’t have to be a one-night-stand or that you must never ever see the person again, but being able to just let go, enjoy the moment for what it is, and move on is a really healthy step in the whole getting back to you thing. Living in the moment and enjoying an experience for the experience itself is a lesson for all aspects of our lives, not just sex. Looking after your needs and wants, especially after being paired as a couple for a long time, can be the very thing you need to put a spring back in your step and a tingle back in your pants.

19 Comments

  • shaunj89 Photo
    shaunj89
    More than a month ago

    Revenge sex especially if your partner was the one that fucked you over, i think is important in "some" peoples cases to move. It can be pointless sex, but hey with that right person can be fun in a sorta role play style situation.

  • Lollysaresweet1 Photo
    Lollysaresweet1
    More than a month ago

    Thank You for a very interesting topic Eva...
    I really enjoy reading and learning from You...
    Being a single woman that enjoy life as it comes
    And be able to gain that pleasurable experience to remember..
    If it doesn't worked out respect that..I was happy and had plenty of fun to remember..
    To live life..and enjoy every minute of it
    Regards

  • Leolady727 Photo
    Leolady727
    More than a month ago

    Never even considered having revenge sex - bitterness, jealousy etc. are wasted emotions. When you do something nasty. YOU'RE the one who suffers for it, ultimately.

    Rebound sex, on the other had, can be great - helps to get the confidence back.

    • Mickford Photo
      Mickford
      More than a month ago

      Well said totally agree

  • nudistfriends
    More than a month ago

    Always said,,,,,, The best way to get over one, is to get under another!!! ??

  • Escape17 Photo
    Escape17
    More than a month ago

    I done the revenge sex, felt great too especially after what my ex done

  • SeductiveGazes
    More than a month ago

    My ex wants his cake and eat it too. He just doesn't get it, i.e. he was constantly ringing, wanting sex when his new interest is not there.

    • barkly48 Photo
      barkly48
      More than a month ago

      Mine tried that too, once she realised I'd left for good.... Too late, bad luck, she'd had plenty of chances... It wasn't like I just walked out...

  • 2ringround
    More than a month ago

    The best way to get back at your ex is to keep thinking that they are never going to have sex as good as what you had together.... Whether it is true or not, thinking this will keep your spirits up.... Make it their loss...

  • LadyDragon Photo
    LadyDragon
    More than a month ago

    And then there's having sex with others to prove to your current, interested but blasé FWB, that you're desirable to others... did this a long time ago & the others were SOOO boring (LOL) that I gave up in disgust!
    But it's never top-notch when you have sex for the wrong reasons...
    Thanks Eva - always good articles.

    • Gold.Coast.Dude
      More than a month ago

      Definitely have to agree with you there LD.

    • SassyCupCake Photo
      SassyCupCake
      More than a month ago

      Totally agree LadyDragon - always have sex for the right reasons!!

  • SassyCupCake Photo
    SassyCupCake
    More than a month ago

    Once again another great article Eva, thank you.
    The one thing you don't think about when you decide to have revenge sex is the backlash or fallout that could be caused to other people.
    While you may get your revenge, the damage to others isn't worth it.

    • sensualmind4
      More than a month ago

      I totally agree, it is so important to consider what your new sex partner may think and expect. Someone, who is willing to be intimate with you, should always be respected and treated with full honesty. And sometimes you may have the best intentions, but things can change and your long-term ex-partner may come back into your life...

  • KaifraDuet Photo
    KaifraDuet
    More than a month ago

    Revenge sex is "like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" - and that puts it in the same category as hatred and jealousy.A great article.

  • Gold.Coast.Dude
    More than a month ago

    Loved the article Eva .. had rebound sex twice in my life but neither were what I thought they'd be. The pre-fantasising was better than the event. In hindsight I feel its better to work on oneself before moving on.

    • Gold.Coast.Dude
      More than a month ago

      When I say rebound it was sort of a mixture really of rebound/revenge. As Leo Lady mentions in another post on this thread that anger and bitterness never work out. Still some learn the hard way. :)

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