7 Things People with Disabilities are Sick of Hearing
Eva Sless
on 28 June 2017
21 comments
If you listen to what the media tells us, sex, pleasure, sensuality and all the gorgeous sexy sexiness in the world is reserved only for the beautiful people; the models, the rock stars, the airbrushed and Photoshopped. In advertising, movies, music and everything else we see that uses “sex” to sell, the images are always of trim, taut, terrific looking people with hardly a flaw or a wobble to be seen. For an average Joe this can be tricky and damaging to self esteem and self love… But what about if you’re absolutely never represented in the media as “beautiful”, “sexy”, or “desirable”? Like never. People with disabilities face invisibility in their everyday lives anyway, and even more so when it comes to sex, pleasure, fun and horniness, and I think it’s time to break down those myths and walls and start realising that sex and sexual enjoyment is for everyone.
People With Disabilities Are All A-Sexual
Yes. Some are. Good spotting, Sherlock. And, surprise surprise, some are heterosexual. Some are gay. Some are lesbian. Some are bi. Some are trans. Some of them are vegetarian too… Seriously. What a ridiculous myth to have to bust, but one that basically comes from the fact that society TREATS people with disabilities as though they’re a-sexual, not because they actually are. Not only are people with disabilities just as diversely sexual as everyone else on the planet, their needs and wants are just as varied. From wanting romance and intimacy, to the desire to be tied up and spanked. It’s all part of the awesome sexuality spectrum all humans live on, and just cos you have a disability doesn’t mean that part of you doesn’t exist.
People With Disabilities Don’t Think About Sex
What even? Like I hear this a bit, more often connected with sex education for younger people with disabilities and it not only breaks my heart, it pisses me off too. Being disabled in one area of your life (or body) does not mean the other parts are affected. You are still a human with human needs and wants, and love and affection and intimacy are all part of that. Treating people with disabilities like idiots with no emotional or physical needs is offensive and insulting and needs to stop. (I must also point out as an aside, but a very important one, that it’s also very very dangerous for young people to not get a proper sex education, because young people, especially in vulnerable situations, can be taken advantage of, and without the knowledge and education around their bodies, and intimacy, and what is appropriate and not, all sorts of really terrible things can happen, and without the education and support around them, can lead to some awful tragedies.)
They Can’t Have Sex If Their Bits Don’t Work
Well firstly, how do you know their “bits” don’t work? Have you asked? It’s important to take the time to get to know them, just like you would ANY potential partner. Take the time to educate yourself on what the person’s disability allows and doesn’t allow for. You may be surprised at just how few areas are “out of bounds” or less functional. Also, don’t let yourself fall into the narrow idea that only genitals are used for sex because if you do that you’re probably going to be a bad lay regardless of whether your partner’s “bits” work or not. Sex, sexual contact, and sexual intimacy includes the entire body, mind and soul. Eyes, mouths, hands, words, emotions… So much more than just “bits”.
People With Disabilities Aren’t Desirable
Well, speak for yourself, Buddy. The world is made up of billions of people with different likes and tastes and wants. What attracts one person is not necessarily what attracts us all and thank goodness for that. The thing is, desirability, lust, sexual attraction, all of that juicy stuff that makes us want another person intimately is completely subjective. For me, it’s words. You speak or write eloquently and intelligently enough then I am far more likely to be interested in pursuing something than if you just show me your muscles or pretty smile. Muscles are boring! Talk to me about life and art and Doctor Who!
Their Bodies Make Sex Look Gross
This is so disgustingly offensive I don’t even know where to start, but let me just say this… Sex, for the most part, IS a bit visually disgusting. I mean, when you think about it. It’s contorted, sweaty bodies mashed together making weird faces and noises and movements. Like I’ve said before, “It’s not called bumping uglies” for nothing. So seriously, get off your conceited high horse and take a look in the mirror. Your attitude is uglier than anything as pleasurable as shared intimacy will ever be.
I can’t get past the “crutch”
Look, I understand this to a point. Meeting someone who relies on a wheelchair or other disability aids can be confronting to able-bodied people sometimes but, as a friend of mine pointed out, “Just because someone has a disability/uses assistive equipment to get through life doesn’t mean they are less of a woman or man”. Let me be clear, it’s not about looking beyond the implements or ignoring their existence, but it’s important to understand that, just like if you wear glasses or orthopaedic shoe inserts, it’s as much an indicator of your personality or worth as what colour t-shirt you put on. As in, its completely irrelevant in the great scheme of life and sex and companionship.
Those assistive aids will get in the way of good fun
Again, this is something that you don’t have to look past, but that you need to look at in a different way. Sex with new people is always about exploration and experimentation. Just cos your last partner loved one thing, doesn’t mean a new one will love it too, so it’s all about getting to know what works and what doesn’t. Sure, with things like wheelchairs you might have to think outside the box a bit, but hey, who ever said getting creative and experimental in the bedroom was a bad thing? Besides, for so many people the “crutch” is just a means to an end (getting around more easily) but isn’t something they have to take to bed with them, or use in all areas of activity. Again, it’s about getting to know the individual! If the flesh is willing, the means will be found! It’s just a matter of talking, listening and finding the right way for you both.
I want to leave you with a quote from the late, great Stella Young, an Australian media personality who, among other things, lived her life as a woman with a disability.
“The notion of ‘looking past’ disability to somehow see the ‘real person’ is one I find deeply offensive. I spent my teenage years thinking that I needed to find someone who could ignore my physical body and see my ‘attributes’ - my intelligence and humour, my mad knitting skillz. [As I grew up] I realised that I didn’t want that kind of relationship. I didn’t want someone to ignore my body. I wanted someone who’d look directly at it and love it, wonky bits and all.” - Stella Young
And seriously… Isn’t that what we all want?
* This piece was written by me, an able-bodied woman, with the help of some friends who have the life experience of living with disabilities. Thank you C and T and J. :)
21 comments
24funnow379
More than a month agoThank you Eva for a good article. There are many within our sex positive community that need to see the person and not the disability.
ReplyIronLion77
More than a month agoCant agree with Sweet7 more, great article Love this too.
Replylooking4girls33
More than a month agoLove this
Replysweet7
More than a month agoI work in Disabilities, females and males have needs that need to be met.Because of a disability does not make them any a lesser person.I say look beyond it and find the person with in.There are so many people deprived of physical contact.Given to them with honesty warmth and care would bring sunshine into there lifes and help them deal with there emotions.Well done Adult matchmaker for bringing this topic out in the open
Replyshane0025
More than a month agowell thank you adult match maker for putting this up as a have a Broken c6 c7 not one Wounds to no you from this it is goo that same one has put same thin up
Replyweusnco
More than a month agoTHANK YOU!
I am new to this 'disabled' thing, after 4 unsuccessful spine surgeries that have robbed me of 75% use of one leg, and hepatic (feedback) sensation in all the wrong places, following a work accident. I have been so very frustrated within myself, at the loss of what I once had. This, combined with the libido killing pain meds, has left me feeling somewhat inadequate.
You've written this article extremely well! THANK YOU! You've gotten your point across very powerfully, and challenged ME to look at myself in a very different light! I am, and always have been, an extremely sexual person. My partner has watched, first hand, the changes in me, and (must have!) helped you write this article!!! She's been able to work with me, seeing and accepting the change in me, but, until reading your article, I've not accepted the changes within myself! Of course my sexuallity hasn't changed. Only the outside bits.I'm still the same on the inside, with the same (or more!) desires and needs. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to open my eyes!
I wonder if there's any other disabled people out there, who do not know and understand themselves for sexual beings that they are? I hope my story helps.
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoOh wow. What an incredible journey you've been on. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to suddenly feel like you're not yourself any more.
I am so glad my words have started a shift inside your head. Because you're right, the inside has not changed, and as much as things on the outside have, it's not necessarily the end of the world as you know it. Just a little outside of the box you originally bought.
Seriously, it's comments like this that make me so proud of what I do, and so pleased that I can help change the world, one mindset at a time.
I wish you and your partner all the love and orgasmic fun you can have!
Good luck in the rest of your re-finding you. xx
lovelickinchics
More than a month agoI have had my entire large bowel removed and have a permanent colostomy bag. I find it so frustrating the amount of people that see it in photos, read about it on our profile or find out after starting to chat (obviously not having read our profile properly) and don't want anything to do with us as a couple or more particularly me. My wife and I only met after I had the surgery and as such she not only accepted me for me but doesn't know sex with me without it (except in the shower lol). I have also managed to meet a couple females and couples that can look past it and have had some great fun with them. It just makes me so frustrated and put off that people see this as a disability or an old persons problem.
I know and understand that this piece was written with more movement limiting disabilities in mind but just thought this comment was need as there are a lot of "unseen" disabilities also. I look like a normal person with clothes on, but a slightly disabled (not really the right word but to some I am) without clothes.
People need to accept others for how they make them feel and not for how they look. And yes I have seen a few great looking females in wheelchairs and thought wow wonder what they look like naked and how good would it be to lay naked with them in bed.
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ReplyKinkyGirl101
More than a month agoSome years ago I had a friend who ended up with a colostomy bag after giving birth. I can recall talking to her about how it affected her self esteem, her sex drive, her relationship. As you say it is often the hidden disabilities which we don't know about which can affect people equally as much as an obvious impairment.
aussieguy421982
More than a month agoI offen get turned down just for being on a disability pension and told that I can't afford a family due to it as well not my fault I was born with arthritis and a curved spine
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ReplyOrgasmicman47
More than a month agoWell written Eva Thankyou so much for the Truth SO true my friend , i have a servere stanosis of the spine and multiple nerve impigments and i have a massive sex drive so i build a Estim machine that works for me my wife ties me up and role plays so lucky to have a wife that understands my disability in turn we have a thressome with another male to satisfy my wifes cravings
triXXXi66
More than a month agoFantastically written Eva. And such great assistance from your 'voices of passion' , C, T and J !
ReplyHaving worked in the industry of disability caring I have had conversations similar to your writing.
It is always the Person first before the Disability.
We are all sexual beings who like to be touched and loved and treasured, whether it be in mind , body or soul.
Seeing "past a disability" can often be hard for some people, but unbeknownst to a lot of people are the "hidden disabilities", which are not always physical.
Then there are always the disabilities such as rudeness, selfishness, dishonesty, arrogance, close mindedness, cruelty etc..
Everybody is an individual and deserves to be treated special.
People with disabilities, be they physical or intellectual ROCK !! \m/ \m/
And we all want to have our world rocked!
GarryB122
More than a month agoHello Eva,
Replyexcellent article very well researched - I am a person with a disability so I've lived it and experienced. I have been lucky enough to have found both girls and guys who have found me desirable ha ha - although there was always that small degree of curiosity in the air.
The 'do your bits work' question - i wished I had a dollar for each time i was asked this question ha ha - particularly at nightclubs or parties after a mix of alcohol - girls lose that shyness .
It just takes a little patiences a little more communication and some imagination and trust me you will be screaming for more and lining up to come back again and again.
keep enjoying sex everybody I know i am.
GB
Readytogo907
More than a month agoYes i agree with you it can be most fulfilling for both of you.. but as a male i take offense to the fact that most of your comments were pointed at males as if we were the only one's to have an issue with this. But a good article that needs to be talked about...
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoThat's a really interesting point.
But one I kind of disagree with. A lot of the points were written with the help of a disabled woman, and of course I myself am a woman so all my writing is, I guess, slightly skewed to the female perspective, so yes I admit they could possibly be a little female-centric, however so many of the points I have personally made and written have come from my direct experience of having a male play partner who is in a wheelchair and he was forefront in my mind as I wrote much of this
I shall definitely take your points into consideration for other articles.
Thank you for pointing it out.
Wildanddiscreet
More than a month agoHello thank you for great reading. I have been curious about disabled sex for some time, i have researched it looking for maybe clubs of some form for disabled people. Hubby has a disability, and boy we have the most hottest sex imaginable, all parts can usually be compromised into a positive way. Any known clubs in tas or vic let me know x
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoThat's a really great question!
I'm not sure to be honest, but I'll go and ask some people who may know!
There are house parties etc, of which some are probably accessible, but I'm not sure of any specifically for disabled people
There's an organisation that used to be around in Victoria (I'm not sure if they still are) called AccSex which was all about finding sex positive places etc for people with disabilities, and there's also an organisation called "Touching Base" which helps match sex workers with people with disabilities... Which is a little different to what you're asking, but an awesome thing none the less...
But yeah, let me go ask around my networks and see if anyone has any more information.
Account Closed
More than a month agoThanks eva, no i think we are on the same pages, any connections to sites, would be great, disabled sex is a turn on for me in so many ways, if you can make some one feel great, then why not
Nightrod67
More than a month agoWell this is just another fantastic write by Eva on a subject that's very interesting and challenging,and hopefully opens up people's eye's as minds.
It touched a very personal cord with me.
Thanks Eva for your insight,it's truely refreshing.
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ReplyDeliciousEva
More than a month agoYou are very welcome.
Thank you for your words!
watchmejo
More than a month agoWell said. I don't have problem with sex with disabled lady but never met lady wanting my attention. I like to be with any lady if she's fun and open mind. Any offers?
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