Our Guide to the Monogamish Relationship

You connect in a glance with the most sexilicious human being you’ve ever seen... They walk over to you and start the most stimulating conversation you’ve had in a long time but you can’t even hear the words they speak because your bodies are conversing in a different language which is being well and truly received, loud and clear.  They touch your arm and your body shivers with the electricity of orgasmic excitement.  You start imagining the two of you naked, entwined and lost in a frenzy of wild and passionate kissing and groping and then you hear...
“We don’t swap for sex...” 
Yes, it’s true.  There are some people who love the lifestyle, the foreplay and the fun but only to a point.  Not everyone is in it for the whole nine yards, so to speak and there is certainly some confusion or frustration around this.
There are those who wonder why they are even in the lifestyle if they don’t swap for sex.  Well there are a number of reasons:
Their relationship isn’t at a point where they are secure enough for different sexual partners to enhance what they have and not potentially destroy it.  For this reason, just taking baby steps with foreplay is the best way to build up trust, security and to work through their emotional baggage rather than have it all blow up when others are involved.  I applaud couples that take this approach, as it’s far healthier for them and a whole lot less uncomfortable for their potential playmates during the transition process.  So if you come across a couple who don’t swap for sex for this reason, please encourage and support them so they can get to a point of being able to jump that gap and into bed with you and others.
They just don’t feel the need to have sex with other people.  They get a thrill from the “chase” and perhaps the foreplay too, but they only feel sexually into their partner, others just don’t satisfy them the way they do (or there just is a lack of desire to go any further).  There aren’t as many people in the lifestyle like this but they do exist.  They often let you know early on so you have a choice as to engage with them or not but know that not being able to have sex with them will likely add a level of heightened pleasure or thrill to it for you, there’s nothing quite like not being able to have the object of your desire completely but being teased by it all the same.  Yeah, I do love these sometimes.
Sometimes one partner in the couple is unable to partake in physical sex for some reason.  It could be impotence or performance issues with anyone but their partner, or even for women, just not being able to be penetrated for some reason.  This could be a temporary thing but also an ongoing issue.  The thing is, not everyone will feel comfortable in saying “we don’t swap for sex because he can’t get it up with anyone else but me” or “because she can’t cope with penetration right now” so it’s easier just to say “we don’t swap for sex.”  
Regardless of the reason, the best thing you can do is just accept there is a reason for their choice and that you may not be privy to the full story.  Respecting people’s choices and boundaries is what goes a long way in building good friendships and sexy relationships here, and it makes it more enticing for those who may be playing with the idea of joining this lifestyle.
So if you come across a monogamish couple, you can make the most of it by engaging with them!  Allow yourself to enjoy the thrill of the chase, the banter and lead up into foreplay (or as far as they are allowed/comfortable to go).  Let them know you will only ever go as far as the boundary but no further so they can feel comfortable in letting loose themselves.
This chase and foreplay dance is sometimes the best part!  I know I love the beginnings of a new, sexually charged relationship.  I totally enjoy building up sexual frustration and sexual energy as far as I can take it.  It makes the day go faster with the distraction of sexy text messages, sitting across from each other having a coffee where you can almost feel each other without touching, and getting lost in the wild fantasies which are inspired by the thought of being able to rip their clothes off and...
What you can’t do with them usually gets let loose on your partner or playmates and I haven’t had anyone not enjoy allowing me to release all my pent up sexual frustration on them.  See? Win-win-win! 
Sex columnist Dan Savage coined the phrase "monogamish" in 2011. The term describes couples who are perceived to be monogamous, who are mostly monogamous, but who aren't 100% monogamous. Such couples have an expressed understanding that allows for some amount of sexual contact outside the relationship.
You can watch Dan Savage being interviewed by The Project when he visited Australia.
Dr Jess from Playboy TV Ted Talk about Monogamish.
Dan Savage speaking at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas [Australia]


  • Account closed
    More than a month ago

    Don't see the point in it, we never bothered with couples that had that on their profile.
    It's kind of like you can eat your veggies, but you have to leave the steak on the plate, fine if you're a vegetarian I guess, but we weren't vegetarians.

  • tassiedevilss71 Photo
    More than a month ago

    We took these baby steps for years. We just had a rule no penetration unless it was a finger or a tongue. Sometimes it was hard I remember a girl giving an awesome head job once and she stopped and went to climb on. It was so hard to say no but hey I did. She walked across the room and within five minutes was getting it from someone else. We have now gone "all the way" and are both pleased we left it until we were both comfortable with the rule change.

  • sensual.play Photo
    More than a month ago

    yep, I think we fall into this category. "others just don’t satisfy them the way they do" is what stood out for us, while we are open to sexual experiences with others, there has not been an experience yet where others are able to engage at the level that we enjoy. We are still happy introducing people to more full body experiences that are full of awareness, honour, ecstatic states. This has had a profound effect for some women, changing their lives in unexpected ways. Would we label ourselves as monogamish if we were to meet someone that was attuned to the subtleness of sex and able to stay present in every sense to enable giving conscious touch that opens gateways to other worldly experiences? maybe not .... hope to find out some day.

    "pent up sexual frustration" is not always the outcome, especially if you've experienced something deeply fulfilling without going the whole nine yards. It can be 100% fulfilling as an experience in itself :-) ... and that's worth a highlight.

    This is not to judge those who are wanting to share experiences for different reasons. Which is the part I enjoyed about the article; to highlight respect for boundaries and to enjoy the connection beyond having agendas.

Copyright © 2020 Chantelle Austin It is illegal to use any or all of this article without the expressed, written permission from Adult Match Maker and the author. If you wish to use it you must publish the article in its entirety and include the original author, plus links, so that it is clear where the content originated. Failure to do so will result in legal action being taken.