A Day in the life of an Adult Playwright and Performer

We were very privileged and excited to interview Mrs SR, part of the creative duo Steamy Romantics, the creators of Compersion, a play about play and the swing lifestyle! 

Tell us a little about you and your partner and how Compersion came to exist. What was the inspiration?

We are both professional theatre workers among other things and once we started our journey into the ENM (Ethical Non Monogamy) lifestyle we had feelings of isolation because we were largely unable to connect with anyone in the lifestyle community who were willing to talk about the hard stuff. The self work and the work that you have to do as a couple is huge and life altering. It makes you question all of your previous assumptions about relationships, love, and who you are as a couple and as individuals.

We spent countless hours talking about, researching and practicing the lifestyle. We kept joking that our discussions and experiences would make a great play. One night we decided to start writing our own thoughts and experiences down and see what we had. We realised that what we had written might be something that could help other people just starting out on their journey, and might give value and meaning to those already practicing within the lifestyle.

We decided to take a deep breathe and plunge into the unknown and began to edit the play, and bit by bit it formed and took shape until we were standing in our granny flat with the doors locked quietly uttering the first lines out loud.

For those people who want to come along to Compersion but are nervous, what can they expect?

An intimate, sexy, raw, honest, compersive and entertaining evening. We will share our bodies, our hearts and all of our vulnerabilities because we want to share our stories with you as honestly as possible.

We will meet you at the door and acquaint you with the venue and let you get yourself a drink and settle in. You will be able to mingle with the other guests and get to know them in a small and comfortable atmosphere with absolutely no expectations to ‘play’. We will call you all into the parlour and being our story once you are comfortably seated. It is very intimate and up close, and allows space for people’s boundaries.

There is some audience interaction, which is absolutely consensual and always within the play’s action. It is a really safe way to experience what it might be like without having the craziness of a party, or the intensity of having to fully engage in play. You know you are watching a play, and that the performers are going to keep going with the story.

At the end of the performance the audience is encouraged to stay and converse with us and each other. It is a beautiful atmosphere full of support and sharing. If you have met people that you really connect with you can exchange details, but there is no pressure to do so either.

What feedback have you received from the audience, and what has surprised them about Compersion?

So many people talked about how good it was to be able to come to a swingers club on a quiet night.* There was a safety and calmness that allowed them to feel like they could really relax, get to know the other people and enjoy the experience. People talked about feeling seen, coming to terms with some things about their own sexual journeys and feeling brave enough to begin the journey of overcoming any fears they had.

Many people commented that they were surprised that within the first 5 minutes of the show we get straight into it and get naked. They said it definitely set the tone of the show.

How confronting was it for both of you performing live sex acts in front of an audience vs an open room at a swingers party?

Performing live sex acts in front of an audience within the context of a performance is a complicated and new experience as a performer. It’s a strange mix of allowing yourself to enjoy the physical acts, keep your mind focused on the show and what is required for the audience and the storyline and reliving some actual moments from your past but in a new place and time.

It is a very vulnerable experience, but it is also such a beautiful and compersive gift to give people. 

When people are watching you in a club just enjoying yourself its great! You are right in the moment. You are not worrying about your costume change or your sound cues or your lines.

You said in a recent interview that exploring the lifestyle had a profound effect on other aspects of your life. Can you explain what you meant by that?

Our journey into the ENM lifestyle made us question many things including our friends, family, upbringing, sexual needs, personal behaviour patterns. Once you start pulling at the threads you start to discover all of the other little knots. 

We realised that compersion is something you actually practice as part of your everyday life. We began to reinvent ourselves and become the people we want to be, surrounded by other likeminded people. It is a journey that we are still on today. 

Can you remember who suggested swinging first?

This question gets asked a lot. We don’t really relate to it because it didn’t happen that way. We had dabbled in sexual escapades multiple times during our 20 year marriage but we never really knew what we were doing, and we would blame it on the booze or the atmosphere. Then we found ENM and we began to try to understand what this lifestyle was all about and suddenly what we had been dabbling in all made sense to us.

You said that part of the play is telling the stories you wish you’d heard before you began your journey, so what advice would you give the younger you about exploring non monogamy?

In truth, I was always a very free and very sexual soul as a young woman, but marriage changed that. I really tried to be the perfect housewife and the perfect mother. Although I was great at it, I was also slowly losing my own identity. I lost my self confidence and my sexual drive and I became complacent and uninspired. It was catching, and he began to do the same. 

Non monogamy changed the way we look at ourselves and each other. It showed us both that we are unique, divine individuals who deserve to be happy and free of the constructs of general society. It also broke us down before it helped to build us back up again, a process that is ongoing. 

I would tell my younger self:
“Find out who you are and what you want first. Honour that! Question your assumptions and constructs and make ethical decisions that are right for you. You can find a balance.”

Your career has spanned writing, performance and directing but this is a very personal account of your journey as a couple. In a recent podcast with Wonderlust Swingers you even said it was cathartic. In what way?

The writing and performing of the play was cathartic because it helped us to reflect on why we entered the lifestyle and why we want to keep going. The journey into the lifestyle was bumpy and often hectic, but we’re still here and we are still as in love as a pair of teenagers.

Has your view of non monogamy changed as a result of Compersion?

Well, as a result of the play we have realised how dislocated and how isolated individual experiences are, even though we seem to share the same journeys. 

We also realised how much fantasy and glamour is associated with non monogamy, and how that can play a role in taking the attention away from compersive experiences.

Discovering the idea of the word compersion can be life changing and understanding the practice of it can be really liberating.

Compersion played in Adelaide in late 2022 so who came along? Was the audience primarily made up of couples already active in the swing lifestyle or was it broader?

We had a very broad age range attend, some of whom had been in the ENM lifestyle for a long time and others who had only recently discovered it. The audience was non heteronormative and very much a mix of singles and couples.

People travelled interstate, one was from overseas and happened to hear about it and come and some drove for hours to come and see the show. This was humbling indeed. 

What advice can you offer to couples thinking of dipping their toes into the swing lifestyle?

Don't rush! 
Make choices that are good for you both. 
Talk…talk some more…talk again. 
Some things won’t work out. 
Some things will trigger you when you least expect it to. 
We all make mistakes.
Forgive yourself. Forgive each other. 
Learn to listen with empathy and kindness. 
Don’t interrupt each other. 
Celebrate the bits that are great. 
Give each other support and keep boosting each other to do better and live the best life they can every day. 
Be happy for each other… even if that happiness doesn’t directly apply to you or benefit you. 
Be honest always.

Do you have a dinner party story you would like to share about Compersion?

While we were preparing the show, we were searching through a lot of sound effects and music and we had a dinner party one night with very vanilla friends. I forgot that I had been looking for orgasm sound effects earlier and popped Spotify on bluetooth on my phone, in my bedroom and without even looking I pressed play. I didn’t have any idea at this point that I was subjecting our very vanilla friends to a barrage of orgasmic sound effects. As I approached the lounge room I realised what I had done and began to bolt back upstairs and fumble my way to turning it off and popping on some Harry Styles to really change the atmosphere. The conversation was tight and stilted, and to be very honest… we haven’t seen them since.

Are there any myths about the swing lifestyle you would like to debunk?

Swinging is only perceived as a negative thing when you have been conditioned to believe that there is a right and a wrong way to be or to do things.

In truth, we find it very hard to accept many toxic and often grotesque sexual vanilla behaviours that seem to be so socially acceptable.

People in the swing lifestyle are generally more honest, reliable, stable, considerate, well educated and have healthy relationships with themselves and others or are at least trying to be that way.

*Note: Compersion is being performed at The Rabbit Hole in Adelaide.