What’s the Deal with Unicorn Hunting?
Miss Smut Buttons
on 22 December 2022
16 comments
People, it’s often assumed that unicorns can only truly be tamed by virginal maidens. But as a unicorn, I can say that certainly hasn’t been my experience!
I should probably clarify. I’m not in fact a be-hooved and be-horned wonder of myth and legend. I’m that other kind of ‘unicorn’ - a bisexual person who is (on occasion) available for threesomes. We are a commodity considered so rare, and magnificent, we are likened to unicorns. And like any great and wonderful creature, they weren’t simply allowed to exist in nature, but were hunted.
Now, here’s where things can get a bit divisive within the ethical non-monogamy community. Unicorn hunting can be a playful and fun time for everyone involved or it can be a problematic way of reducing a person to a sex object. What makes the difference, as always when it comes to ethical non monogamy, is communication.
How not to hunt unicorns
Most of us don’t set out to be assholes. It’s just something that happens along the way, because we didn’t know any better. And friends, I’ve definitely been that asshole when it comes to unicorn hunting.
If you’re new to ethical non-monogamy or the idea of threesomes, it’s really easy to get caught up in the fantasy. It’s often an exciting time for you and your partner because you’re both talking about what you each want around this new, shared turn-on. There’s this shared feeling of anticipation and arousal and all you’re waiting for is the third person to arrive. And it can take a while to find that third person. So you keep talking, and building the fantasy.
But in the process of talking about what you and your partner want, it can become really easy to forget that, whoever this third person ends up being, they’re also still a real person. They will have wants and needs of their own. Some couples fall down the rabbit hole of imagining their shared polyamorous life together with their third, pre-emptively setting rules for what they will and won’t be able to do in the relationship; deciding whether or not their third will be able to date other people, what kind of kinks and sex they’ll be interested in. They have an expectation that their third will immediately develop equally intimate feelings for both members of the couple - because emotions are very predictable and always work exactly the way you would like them to (especially where sex is involved).
Basically, people start to forget that finding a third person is about trying to match the needs of three complex individuals and instead start to think of it like two people building a Sims character. If you’re worried that you might be in danger of becoming a unicorn hunting asshole, you can check out this handy flowchart from the folks at Unicorns-r-us.
What can take this attitude from plain old ignorance to actively problematic though, is that sometimes when couples can’t find a third partner they will take out their frustration on their potential matches.
How to approach a unicorn the right way
Make sure your profile is upfront about what you’re looking for - but remember it’s not build-a-unicorn! You’re looking for a human being, and it’s hard enough to find someone that one person likes, let alone one person that likes two people and that two people like back. So be open-minded and realistic about what to expect out there. The world is full of real people.
Remember that just because someone is bisexual or pansexual, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re interested in group sex or group dating. Many bi/pan people are monogamous - and that’s totally cool. You’re not here to change their mind.
Be open to the possibility that someone you match with might have more of a connection with one of you than the other. That’s okay. That’s normal. That’s human. That’s how feelings work and you can’t force people to change how they feel. Discuss with your partner how you’d both like to handle that situation if it happens while also taking into account how it’s going to feel for the person who may have developed feelings for one of you.
Discuss boundaries with your partner and anyone you date. We can’t expect people to respect our boundaries if they don’t know what they are, and this is especially true in new situations and with new people. Having people know what your boundaries are can help to make you feel safe, but understanding the boundaries of others also helps you make sure you won't accidentally hurt anyone. If you’re thinking about relationship boundaries though (eg. this is a ‘closed’ relationship) those need to be created with the agreement of everyone in the relationship, not dictated to the third by the couple. It’s a cheerocracy, not a cheertatorship!
As always the best way to make sure everyone has a great time is communication. Be open and honest with your partner, be transparent with potential partners and have brave conversations about everyone’s needs and expectations regularly. Unicorns are magical, but they’re also people first and foremost. And we treat people with respect.
16 comments
OhDelirium
More than a month agoa great article Miss SB, thank you. There is the other side too which I'll get to in a tic ! First though, I am a unicorn and would love to find a couple, I'd really enjoy it, whether MF or FF ot Mtf. If FF I understand needs may be different and that's perfect for me. So, the other side, that is, some may want to be used as a sex object and I think I have that want and need. This creates a wholy different dynamic and there's another rabbit hole to head down and explore ! Thanks again x
ReplyLouiseS
More than a month agoI rarely pop into AMM these days, finding this article was so worth the pop in💙. Unicorn here and yes couples/ groups seem to get so lost in their own plans they forget that they're conversing with a human- not a product or a service. We Unicorns are real live sex positive humans. The amount of times I've been approached with "oh we're new to this and want to experiment, learn from you" We're all new to this at some stage but being people's "experiment" gets old real quick as does you approaching us but not actually being ready. Laying down a list of rules for me- forgetting it's us solo females taking the biggest risks safety and privacy wise. I want to share mutually satisfying adult fun, not teach, nor be an experiment, and soz but I'm really truly not interested in stealing either of you away. Really really prepare/ sort yourselves out before embarking on a Unicorn Hunt and like the article says remember every 🦄 is a real human, not a product. Be considerate, acknowledge what we're considering sharing with you. I'm as easygoing as they come but I will call out arrogance and self aborbed folk who've forgotten thier manners.
Great article💜💙🌺
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ReplyElegantsubrose
More than a month agoCouldn't agree more with your perspective and similar experiences. Well said 👏.
abcplus1
More than a month agoThe balance of finding 3 people that all like each other is the real challenge......... but when you do it is special.
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ReplyCnscuriouscpl
More than a month agoHow does one find a unicorn? We are really struggling with this.
abcplus1
More than a month agoSo do we. But patience is key and also understanding that you will send 100 messages and maybe get a handful of replies...
MissMasBeach
More than a month agoNothing wrong with looking for a unicorn as such.
But way too often it is just the selfish fantasy of the guy, who wants to be pleasured by two women (which is fine) but doesn't really give a toss what they get out of it (which isn't fine).
If he wouldn't be equally up for a MFM then he's not really doing this for his lady, is he?
MFF is fantastic if, and only if, the two ladies are genuinely into each other. Otherwise it can be a bit flat and taking-turnsy.
Whereas MFM always works provided the guys are up for it, because the woman absolutely loves it, and the guys don't necessarily need to play bi for it to work.
Guys, think about your lady first. Which is basically just a good rule for life anyway!
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ReplyNotsonewnow
More than a month agoWell said.
Booandgoo88
More than a month agoYour not wrong an yes well said
Campbelltown1
More than a month agoWell Said and while MFM is a fantasy of mine so is MFF (and may be a Cuck) also a fantasy altho i know my partner would never agree to either.
I have never suggested and dont think i would
Elegantsubrose
More than a month agoTotally agree!!!
marmalade44
More than a month agoHaha “flat and taking-turnsy”. Very astute MissMasBeach. S.
Fuckudeep129
More than a month agoNice article, i like unicorns
ReplyTassie.Gurl
More than a month agoAwesome advice as someone who is what you call a unicorn I'm just starting out and I have found that communication and being truthful and honest is the best way to start things. There is no point in doing things you don't feel comfortable or want to do.
My advice is also go with your gut if it's never let down before. Enjoy spending time with each other with and without having sex.
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ReplyCampbelltown1
More than a month agoAgree.
Rhubarb48
More than a month agoBINGO