So Many Boxes


Article originally posted on The Love Life Blog

For so many people, their lives are boxes within boxes, constraints within constraints, limitations within limitations. The number of shoulds and musts and oughts and can’ts and mustn’ts are never ending.

We love our boxes. We have them around our work, our gender, our ethic grouping, our age, our relationship status, our parental status, our place of abode, our religious beliefs, our health, our appearance, our sports, our hobbies.

Then we love to categorise our personalities, whether it’s the multitude of supposedly scientific psychological tests or the alternative astrological type classifications, it’s all about putting ourselves in still more boxes.

How often do we say “I am a [insert classification]”, or limit ourselves by stating: “I’m [insert adjective] because I’m a [insert classification]”, or “I can/can’t/should/shouldn’t/must/mustn’t [insert verb] because I’m a [insert classification]”.

It’s all so limiting.
And it’s all based on fear.
And it comes through more powerfully, and more with more limits, in our sexuality than anywhere else.

I’m [insert gender] so I…… [have a high/low sex drive; like/don't like sex]
I’m [insert age] so I….. [have high/low interest in sex; am sexy/not sexy]
I'm spiritual/an athiest/[insert religion] so I…. [think sex is about love/reproduction/marital duty/determined by genes]
I’m married/single/divorced/in a relationship so I… [you get my drift]
I’m fat/old/ugly so I…

Now of course we can be classified, of course we have an age, an appearance, a profession, etc, it’s all the crap that’s attached to the classification that’s the problem. “I’m fat and ugly and I don’t give damn, I’m having great sex!” versus: “Well, we’ve been together a long time and we’re not as trim as we used to be so of course we can’t have good sex.”

When it comes to sex though, I see the limitations everywhere, even in the supposedly free-spirited types: the swingers who think monogamy is boring; the kinksters who think vanilla sex is dull; the tantric types who think it’s got to be about love; the free love exponents who think we’ve got to let it all hang out.

And then it’s all so black and white. You’ve got to be one gender or the other, into women or into men, monogamous or deceitful, sexually active or celibate. How about we all embrace the possibility, for those for whom it feels real, to whatever extent feels right, of gender-bending, bisexuality, ethical non-monogamy, celibacy as sexual expression. How about we see that all types of kinks and fetishes are fun to play with, that enlightened bdsm can be as empowering and connecting as deep spiritual sex. That missionary with the lights out can be as fulfilling an experience as swinging from the chandeliers.

How about we let ourselves be ourselves.

Don’t judge others, don’t judge ourselves. Give ourselves and others the freedom to explore and play and find out who we are in all aspects of our lives.

Get out of the boxes!


  • MandaGavinXOX Photo
    More than a month ago

    We strive for this "to whatever extent feels right". Great article as always.

  • KittyKat143
    More than a month ago

    Good on you Jacqueline! A great article and so true. I am female, 61, a mother and grandmother....just some of my 'boxes' and I love my life and my sexuality. I won't be told that I am too old to have an active sex life, nor that I should worry about what other people think of me. We only have one life to live, so let's get out there and live it! We are dead an awfully long time, so grow older disgracefully and enjoy the ride.

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