Mastering the Big O

You’ve heard it before and you’ll hear it again – you will NEVER achieve orgasm unless you start masturbating.

As a former member of the psychology profession, I am ashamed to admit that many of my colleagues – and including doctors – suggest things like romance, foreplay and scene setting will ‘get you there’.

However, in order to invoke a physical reaction, you need to create a physical action. That means getting jiggy with it!

Many also argue that partners should be responsible for getting your rocks off – but would you defer a massage or a piss to them? Why are you making someone else responsible for the physical reactions of your body?

Besides, by becoming familiar with your own climax - alone - you can help them to help you… that means a little bit of training and a lot of courage.

The first step to successful masturbation is getting a good vibrator. Why use your fingers (or other household objects) when a tool has been designed that makes it impossible not to have one? Any Sex and the City watcher worth their Manalos will tell you that ‘The Rabbit’ is the ideal first weapon of choice, but there is a huge selection of bunny wannabees - ranging from dolphins to elephants – that can do the trick with a much-reduced price tag. The essential components are lube, soft rubber or silicon and some kind of vibrating clit tickler. Rotating pearls, motorised heads and Japanese design by geishas in the light of a full moon are strictly optional!

The next step - and the most difficult for some - is to find some undisturbed time alone. Half an hour should do the trick at first, but you’ll find five minutes will be all that is needed after a couple of practices. Make sure you empty your bladder first (for some, an approaching orgasm feels a bit like the desire to pee) and put on some music to screen out the buzzing sound.

(Forget candles, fragrances and warm baths – all you need is a bed, spread legs and a little bit of determination!)

Now comes the hard part – turning on the vibrator, lying on your back, applying some lube (to both yourself and the toy) and putting it against its intended purpose. That means inserting the phallus into your vagina and the vibrating tickler against your clit. (I can guarantee you will feel a bit foolish at first, but mummy isn’t married to the sex maniac you are.)

Next run through the settings and speeds and find out what works for you – the clit tickler is probably best started at its lowest speed until you become accustomed to the sensation. Find a combination you can live with - don’t expect throes of desire at this stage – and stick it out for at least ten minutes. Your head – the brain, I mean – will probably be filled with all types of recriminations, but these end up being an inverse ratio to the rising orgasm within you.

At the risk of sounding like a terrible cliché, you will feel a growing sensation of urgency. Your technique may be to lie motionless or to wiggle frantically, but either way; your brawn will eventually take over your brain and end with a climax. This feels – almost - like an overdue piss but the cincher will be your clit will become extremely sensitive and unable to further endure the tickler.

You may also find yourself gasping or calling out loud and – like sneezing – it’s extremely difficult to keep your eyes open. Rolling into foetal position with your legs clenched over your throbbing clit is optional.

At this stage - and whether you’ve climaxed or not - congratulate yourself for your bravery and persistence and try it again as soon as possible. You will soon discover that within three or four practises, you will have mastered the O and able to give your partner(s) the most helpful advice they ever got.

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