How To Get His Rocks Off

I recently had the pleasure of attending what will surely be one of the best experiences of my life – a workshop entitled ‘Blow His Mind: Sex Tips from a Professional Sex Worker’ run by the Scarlet Alliance.

There was the ever-so-entertaining Juliet November and 30 or so women each wielding a zucchini. Not only did we suck, bite, lick and wank those zucchinis - we also learnt how to put a condom on with our teeth (and why you shouldn’t chose the biggest zucchini).

As if Camilla’s lessons weren’t good enough already – that woman is a genius – many of the participants (whose identities must remain anonymous) also contributed what worked especially well for them. The result was a list of very do-able techniques with hands and mouth plus what to do with all the other bits we often tend to ignore.

But wait. There’s more!

I also sum up the best of my gay friend, David’s techniques. That man has fucked thousands of men. (Believe me – he knows.)

Plus there’s a couple of my own in there somewhere…

• Maintain eye contact (unless you’re a subbie).
• Sluts make the best roots.
• NEVER draw attention to your bad points (just in case your lover hasn’t noticed them).
• Ask for what you want and give praise when they do something well.
• Have fun and feel free to experiment – so what if you laugh? Isn’t that a good thing?
• Always keep the skin on the cock / testicles taunt, as this brings the blood vessels to the surface and increases sensitivity, ie. hold the skin of his cock down firmly at the base whilst you suck / wank / whatever his cock or hold his testicle(s) tight at their base when you lick / rub / whatever it (them).
• Oral and hand play should form a major part of sexual intercourse.
• Alternate between hot (eg. mints) / cold (eg. frozen grapes), fast / slow, hard / soft and so on.
• The penis has 180 degrees of movement (and not 90 as most girls seem to think) – try pushing down on it once in a while…
• If your partner is into water sports, cranberry juice will prevent your piss from stinking (it’s also recommended by doctors to people with incontinence)
• Use the little bullet-shaped vibrator in cock rings (and the like) in the seam between his balls or on his perineum.
• Don’t forget the P-spot (and we thought women were slow).
• Try twirling (long) hair up and down the shaft, then pulling it off (that’s worth a sigh or two).
• Stop the gag reflex by sucking in your pelvic floor muscles (just like you would if you wanted to stop urinating midstream)
• And my partner’s particular favourite (thanks, Juliet!) – the Corn-on-the-Cob – during which you hold the shaft and gummily ‘eat’ the penis (without using your teeth), moving just as you would at a Sunday night dinner. Travel up and down the ‘cob’ a few times and Bravo Bravo.

The imparting of sexual knowledge is a wonderful thing to do – too long the monopoly of social censorship has taxed the gift of pleasure. Share these tips tonight – it might be the most empowering thing you ever did.