There is a definite hype around this “BDSM” (that’s Bondage/Discipline, domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism for you newbies) craze, I’m sure you have wondered how to ease yourselves into it with your partner if you haven’t tested the waters yet.
A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that those who engaged in BDSM were found to be less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection, more secure in their relationships and have a better overall well-being.
So throw on some leather and enjoy the ride! Here is you step by step guide to letting your Kink out of the closet!
Test the Waters
You can’t just randomly show up in the bedroom with a ball gag and chains. Perhaps start with a discussion around the phenomenon created by Fifty Shades of Grey. You want to get a feeling of his attitude toward submission and dominance – whether the idea leaves him repulsed, indifferent, or intrigued.
A good first step is with a ‘yes, no, maybe’ list. Treat it like a game, don’t just dive in. Establish the scope of activity your partner is up for, and select a “safe word” that will stop the action. Saying “no” or “stop” or “that hurts” isn’t recommended, since they can be part of the fantasy… opt for words that have zero sexual relevance. A common option is the Orange / Red combination – “orange” meaning “you know what – I’m okay but I’m not enjoying this and “red” meaning “Stop – game over, I’m out”.
Give Him a Tickle
If you have ever massaged, bitten, or scratched your partner, you have already crossed waters to the basic type of kink, “sensation play”. This generates a biochemical chain reaction, which creates a state similar to the glow of orgasm. Start with some kind of blindfold, which can help you embrace the submissive role, as well as heighten each of his other senses – hence the term “sensation play”.
After you plunge him into darkness, graze your fingers or a feather over his inner thighs, the nape of his neck, and the inner part of his forearms, Take 15 or 20 second breaks in between touching her to make him anticipate where the next sensation will take place. From feathers to can graduate to an endless list of both specialized and everyday items to create new sensations – think ice cubes, make up brushes or even a hair brush.
Crank the Spank
Bare bottoms are just asking to be spanked… but it is important that neither of you swing too hard your first time at the bat!. You want to ease into it. Start with a gently open hand, which will offer more sensations and feel more intimate. “For most recipients, the lower inner quadrant of the buttocks is the sweet spot—it shares a nerve group with the genitals.” Start very slowly with light smacks that just barely sting and build gradually. His breathing should be smooth and his butt should be pushing upwards toward the spankers hand, not away. If you have done a few hand-spankings and all has gone well, you can move on to a small leather paddle from your nearest sex shop - these can sting a little but don’t raise bruises or welts.
After a little spanking, tie the knot, so to speak. Some people enjoy being tied up so they can feel controlled – some enjoy being teased and denied. Start by loosely tying his wrists and maybe even his ankles with something that is soft to the skin. Fleece-lined wrist cuffs, bondage tape, over-the-door suspension cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints are all readily available on line or at your local adult store. Once you have explored tying or being tied up, you might dabble in spreader bars and other bondage equipment that allows you to both restrain and raunchily position in a way that gives you unfettered access as well!
Put On an Act
Role playing is another great kink-starter - it’s much easier to lose your inhibitions when you’re pretending to be someone else and this can be a gateway into sex play you might not otherwise try. You can start simple, arranging to meet your partner at a night club you have never been to or in clothes you have never seen each other in. You can start with flirting, play hard to get, and let your imagination take over. This is great to get out some fantasies or remember the feeling of meeting your partner for the first time. Once you feel like you have a good grasp on the role playing concept, you can start taking on more dominant and submissive parts.. The classic is the master/slave scenario, in which one partner surrenders free will to the other.