The Sensual Dom(me)

Jacqueline Hellyer, Australian relationship coach, smiling at the camera alongside her website logo

Article originally posted on The Love Life Blog

Sensual, Tantric play heightens pleasure and so does Kinky play. Put the two together and you go places - to Sub-Space and Dom-Space. Playing with dominance and submission is about playing with the yin and yang of sexuality. When done with extreme connection and respect it is a beautiful experience. Many people have concerns about dominance and submission because it harks back to the bad old days when women had no choice but to be submissive to men, in all areas of life. As I’ve explained in my previous blog articles (see A History of Sexual Misinformation), the imbalance between the masculine and feminine in society led to a servile feminine sexuality serving an overly dominant masculine sexuality. True Dominant-Submissive play requires a meeting of equals, there’s no servility required (at least, not on the Sub’s part, you could argue that in fact it’s the Dom(me) who is serving the Sub).

What we’re really talking about is ‘command’ and ‘receptivity’. It is not gender-related, a woman can be a Domme as much as a man can be a Dom, and plenty of people are Switches, that is, they like to take both roles. Although most people will have an erotic preference, that is, one role will be more erotically moving for them, and enable them to have a deeper, more satisfying experience than the other. In my case for example, while I love to give my partner beautiful sensual experiences in the dominant role, it doesn’t move me or take me places anywhere near the depth that being in the submissive role does; and for him it’s the opposite.

When a Dom(me) can ‘hold the space’ for the Sub, the Sub can completely let go, and in letting go can enter into Sub-Space, a divinely blissful state. In seeing and feeling their partner go to such a beautiful place, knowing they’ve opened up and surrendered to them, the Dom(me) goes into Dom-Space, feeling desired and powerful and able to surrender to themselves, freeing them to pleasure themselves with their Sub.

The skill here is for the Dom(me) to be able to hold the space. This requires a deep, deep stillness and calmness. It’s as though the Dom(me) becomes a deep tranquil pool in which the Sub can bathe themselves. Any worry, anxiety, arrogance or disrespect on the Dom(me)’s part will bring the Sub out of that space, as will too much speed.

The skill for the Sub, assuming the Dom(me) is being as just described, is to let go. This requires an ability to get out of their head and fully feel into the experience.

The relating has a sense of ritual to it. It is meditative. It is like a dance.

To enter that space the Dom(me) and Sub need to agree on the nature of the interaction, the boundaries, and have ways of indicating if either of them need to stop or lessen intensity (through safe words and safe signals). For this level of trust, the conversation beforehand is essential.

The greater the bond between the two, the further they can go in their explorations, using elements of restraint, pleasure/pain, humiliation/tease and command.

Sensual Kink is a wonderful place to explore. We touch lightly on it in my workshops, and go further in the Retreats, particularly the Luscious Lovers Couples Retreat. My partner, Oscar, also offers Sensual Kink experiences and training as part of his Rapture Bodywork.

Sensual Kink is not for everybody, you may not be sure it’s for you or your partner. But hey, it might be, and wouldn’t it open up a whole range of possibilities? Start with a blindfold and some strawberries at the most basic level, and see where your explorations take you…

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