My partner brings up his ex in bed

Q: Dear Amie, my partner has started sharing sexual things about his ex. Like we'll be having sex and he'll try something and say "do you like this because (insert ex's name here) did". It makes me feel really uncomfortable like she is there in the room with us. And I'm disappointed he would share such intimate details. Why is he even thinking of her when he's in bed with me? What do I do?

Yikes, that’s rough. Your discomfort is totally understandable. If my partner started bringing a ghost into the bedroom, my legs would probably slam shut faster than a mousetrap too.

No one needs their current relationship to be overshadowed by past connections. When a partner brings up an ex, especially during intimate moments, it can make you feel like there’s a third person in the room, or like you’re the third wheel in your own relationship. This kind of situation can not only be a serious mood killer, but it can be very confusing and lead to feelings of insecurity.

Here are a few potential reasons why your partner might have started sharing intimate details about his ex:

He’s not over his ex yet

It’s a valid point to consider that your partner might not have fully moved on from his ex. Sudden nostalgia, or repeatedly bringing up a past relationship, especially during intimate moments, can be a sign of lingering feelings or unresolved emotions. He could be trying to recreate aspects of his previous relationship that he enjoyed with her, rather than fully embracing the present with you.

He wants your validation

On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that your partner could just be seeking validation from you by asking about your preferences and comparing them to things his ex liked. This behaviour could stem from insecurity about his performance in the bedroom and a genuine desire to be a better lover. He might be using his past experiences or his ex-partner’s reactions as a benchmark to gauge how well he’s doing with you.

While this approach is flawed and can be misguided, it may come from a genuine desire to make you happier sexually. Encouraging open communication about your sexual preferences, likes, and dislikes can help build a more fulfilling and respectful sexual relationship.

He’s stuck in a rut

If your partner is frequently reminiscing about past experiences with an ex and trying to recreate them with you, it’s possible he feels stuck in a rut. This behaviour could be a sign of boredom or a desire for something new and exciting.

How long have you been together? It's quite common for couples who have been in a relationship for a while to experience a decline in the initial spark, leading to a sense of routine or predictability in the bedroom. If your partner keeps bringing up his ex during intimate moments, it could be an indication that he's seeking a change of pace or feels that something is lacking in your current sexual relationship.

In conclusion, navigating a situation where your partner frequently brings up his ex during intimacy requires open communication. Have you spoken to him about why he keeps mentioning his ex? Have you expressed how it makes you feel? These conversations, though uncomfortable and often awkward, can lead to a deeper understanding and stronger intimacy in your relationship.

Encouraging your partner to express their needs and desires directly, rather than through comparisons to an ex, can improve communication and enhance your sex life. Setting boundaries, such as letting them know that discussing past relationships is a turn-off, can also help create a more respectful dynamic.

If all else fails, bring up one of your exes during the heat of the moment and see how that makes him feel. Warning: this is not the mature approach and results will vary!

5 comments

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  Campbelltown1

  More than a month ago

  Is he comparing what you both do in the cot to what he did with his EX?
  
  Maybe he thinking about including her in bedroom activities and is just " testing" the water to see how you feel ?
  Even tho you said it make you uncomfortable when he brings up his Ex .
  
  Have you asked him why he brings up the EX all the time ?

  Reply
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  purpleparsnip

  More than a month ago

  Bed his ex...

  Reply
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  Fuckudeep129

  More than a month ago

  No to me an ex will always be an ex end of story

  Reply
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  KinkyGirl101

  More than a month ago

  Stark contrast to the hotwife dynamic where the husband wants to know every little detail of her encounters. I know it's not the same thing but some might get off on it.
  
  Hope you can broach the subject with him!

  Reply
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  Icam246

  More than a month ago

  Maybe it’s not for everyone but I find it a real turn on when my wife shares her experiences with some of her ex’s with me in and out of the bedroom. Feel it’s a real privilege, love hearing her stories about her favourites.

  Reply