Expanding your Sexual Play


Article originally posted on The Love Life Blog

There’s a veritable smorgasbord of sexual possibilities, so why limit yourself to meat and three veg (with vanilla ice-cream as a special treat!)? Unless of course all you actually like is meat and three veg. I keep stressing that there are no ‘shoulds’ in sex, the important thing is to find out what is real for you and honour that. So if you really only like meat and three veg type sex, that’s fine. But if you’re curious about sushi or ravioli, then give it a go! And if you like it, then make it a regular part of your life.

Now, some people are firmly in the meat and three veg camp, and others have already have a good look at the whole menu and sampled widely. I’m talking to all of you in-between. Some of you might not even know what’s on the menu! Or where to find a menu! So this is particularly for you.

In this post I’m going to look at what’s on the menu. In the next post we’ll be looking at how you and your partner decide what you’d like - unlike food, with sexual play you both need to be trying the same thing, so complete agreement is necessary.


There are numerous variations on the five basic positions of man on top, woman on top, from behind, side-by-side, and sitting and standing. Try them using pillows and cushions to raise and lower body parts or to recline upon.


Get off the bed and onto the floor, on the window sill, on couches, tables, washing machine (when it’s on), back verandah, in the shower, in the shed.


Check out your local sex shop or hunt around the house for items to spark up your play, more ideas in the sections below.


Make undressing part of your play, undressing your partner or doing a striptease yourself; leave some clothes on during sex. You might find particular clothes are arousing, such as lingerie, leather, corsets, PVC, or ridiculously high-heeled shoes that you leave on…

Sensory arousal and deprivation

Heighten your senses by blindfolding your partner (or both of you!) and feeding them delicious morsels of food; or touching them with different items both soft and harsh; or putting on head-phones while delighting other senses. Have scented candles or incense, scented oils and lotions. Play sensual music in the background. Drip honey, liqueur, chocolate topping over your lover’s body and lick it off. Smear strawberry jam all over them with your body. I could go on forever, I’m sure you get the idea…

Erotic massage

Give each other an erotic massage –you’re both naked, or near naked, lavish on the oil, include the genitals (no oil in the vagina though), use long luscious strokes using your whole body on theirs. For the more adventurous, consider a couples massage at a massage parlour. The tamer version is to have massages at the same time in a couples room in a mainstream Thai massage parlour (non-genital). Or if you want more sexual play then there are massage services that go that little bit further…


You might find you have a particular ‘thing’ that turns you on. These are fetishes, and including them into your sexual play can intensify the experience. Your fetish could be a type of clothing, it could be being walked on. Or odder things like stuffed toys or enemas (yes, the mind boggles, but as long as it’s not obsessive and your partner agrees…)


Being tied up heightens the senses, and in some people can help them get into a blissful ‘sub-space’. For others it’s just fun and strengthens trust while allowing greater arousal. You can use stockings (following a striptease can be good), ties, belts, as well as rope. You can buy special bondage rope from sex shops or any soft rope from your local hardware store. Make sure you keep the binds loose enough so that blood flow is not constricted, and read the next post on safe words. You can also buy handcuffs and bondage tape for the same effect. Adding blindfolds, gags and masks can add to the experience, but make sure there’s always consent. For anything other than the simplest binds, it’s a good idea to have medical shears handy in case you need to cut the tie quickly.

Pain as pleasure

For some people the release of endorphins that accompanies pain in a sexual context is very pleasurable and arousing. Spanking with the bare hand or hitting with whips, paddles and various household items (spatulas, fly swats, rulers, brushes), can feel good. Start with the buttocks or upper back (avoid the kidney area), warming the skin up with light strokes and gradually increasing in intensity. Always follow the receiver’s cues as to whether it’s good for them or not. Often the pleasure will come after the strokes have finished. Pain can also be administered on the nipples with fingernails or clamps (clothes pegs or implements from a sex shop). For the more adventurous, pain can also be administered to the genitals (take it very slowly!!), both in terms of strokes or clamps.

Dominance & submission

This type of play (called D/s) often accompanies restraint and pain. One partner takes the dominant role in administering the treatment, and the other takes the submissive role in receiving it. This can be a huge turn-on for some people. Keep in mind that the purpose is pleasure, and each is doing it for the pleasure they and their partner are getting. It’s also the submissive one who is actually setting the limits of play.

Role plays

The D/s play can manifest in role plays: teacher-student, soldier-captive, master-slave, employer-servant, doctor-patient, police officer-prisoner, etc. Or you might just like to role play a particular period of history or cultural group or be animals. You can dress up in costume for the role-play, or simply talk each other through a scenario while having sex. You can take your role play out into the world: ‘strangers’ meeting in a bar, a wealthy man and his call-girl (or business woman and her gigolo) out to dinner, just to get your creative processes started…

Erotic talk and stories

As described above, you can describe an erotic scenario while having sex. Or you can do it as foreplay. Reading aloud erotic stories can be a big turn-on and help get you in the mood and feeling creative. Speaking seductively can help your partner lose themselves, and when you’re really aroused quite dirty talk can also be a turn-on.

Taking photos and movies

In these days of digital cameras, it’s easy and safe to take photos of movies of yourself as part of your sexual play. You can keep them for later if you like to watch, or delete them straight away if the turn on is the taking of it and not the watching. Combine with role plays for added effect. And for the adventurous there are websites where you can post your creations.

Erotic shows and film

Porn is the most obvious, but watching an erotic movie might be more of a turn-on. Look through the art house section of your video store for inspiration. Burlesque shows are making a comeback with great performers around. More mainstream strip shows can be an interesting outing for a couple, either the more tasteful gentleman’s clubs, or even a down and dirty show in the sleazy part of town could be an adventure. The sexy parties mentioned below often have good performances.

Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes

Having sex with others is a turn-on for many people. You can invite a third person into your couple play, or invite another couple. You can limit the level of sexual engagement with the other person/people if you don’t feel comfortable with full sex. You might just like to watch others, or be watched by them. You can meet people on-line or go to swingers clubs.


The capital cities have regular sexy adult parties where you can dress up and dance the night away. Often they are a place to meet like-minded people, particularly if you’re looking to swing a little, and respectful flirting is encouraged. For those of you with more of a kinky streak, there are public BDSM (bondage discipline & sadomasochism) parties where you can dress up in your finest fetish gear, and dance the night away while engaging in some public flogging. For the more adventurous, you might find yourself on the invite list for private parties where more adventurous play is permitted. (Or arrange your own...)

Public Sex

Having sex outdoors can be a lot of naughty fun. At the tamest level it could be going out without knickers on and making sure your partner knows. It could be ducking up an alley or behind a tree for a full-on pash (yep, just like teenagers). Sex in the car on the side of the road, or fondling your partner while driving so only truck drivers can see. Having sex on a hotel balcony or at a window is good. The possibilities are endless…

Whew! So there’s the smorgasbord, and I’m sure I’ve left plenty out. Now that I’ve whetted your appetite. In the next post we'll look at how you go about it.

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