How many sexual partners have you had...honestly?

by Emma Sachsse - 09 November 2016 - 84 Member Comments
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A YouTube clip turned up this week of a first date on which the girl is ridiculed by her date for thinking that an octopus has 12 legs, but he still wants to have sex with her. He then asks her how many men she has slept with. It gets awkward. Maybe she was so upset because she is bad at counting (8 = 12) not because that is a completely inappropriate thing to ask on a first date. I don’t think he gets to add himself to the number, whatever it is.

Tracy Cox, a sex therapist, has been quoted as saying any female who is thinking of confessing, not to, “I guarantee that no matter what number you say it will be too many. Even if you have only had five” she sighs “it will be four too many”. She has some valid points about how the circumstances are more telling than the numbers, and you can get a better idea of what she has to say from her articles. Once I start trawling the internet, I found examples of all sorts of different attitudes and “acceptable” numbers but the prevailing attitude seems to be, less is best, especially for women. It is just more than it used to be a few decades ago.

So I thought I should write about it and then my hypocrisy was exposed. I believe that the number of people you have slept with shouldn’t define you, no matter what gender you identify with or what your sexuality. The reality is that as a straight, cis female I don’t want to tell you how many men I have slept with because I do not want to be judged. I don’t want the men I have slept with to think they were any less special because of the number of other men I have slept with and I don’t want my current partner to be devastated by the amount of sexual experience I have had compared to him. He knows it is a big difference, but putting an actual number on it? My gay mates used to joke that the number of men I had slept with made me an honorary gay man.  Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t tell you the exact number although as a writer I have kept a journal of most of the men I have slept with. Some entries just read “hot blonde at Austral, great sex” so the sex was memorable even if his name isn’t. And I recently read a Facebook post from a woman (whom I don’t remember) about finding me in bed with her boyfriend 26 years ago. I don’t remember any of it, but she does, and boy is she still angry about what that 18-year-old girl did (not the boyfriend). I don’t even know if I knew he had a girlfriend, but I am positive I have always had a don’t touch another person’s partner rule, but maybe that came later when I was more mature, at like twenty. So I am pretty sure I have forgotten to record every single lover.

Either way, I have had a number of sexual experiences, with some particularly gorgeous, lovely men. Some were from using Adult Match Maker. And I know that I am well into the triple digits, which according to most, is a few more than is acceptable for a female.

Anyway, having almost always had more partners than the men I was sleeping with has meant I learnt pretty early on that it threatened most of them. It was always refreshing to come across men who were so completely comfortable in their sexuality that they were either not threatened or had a similar tally, either way, it wasn’t an issue, and I didn’t suddenly become tainted. 

There is an assumption that people who sleep around are “diseased”. I find the reverse is true because they understand about these things and get checked regularly, they are healthy. 

I am not ashamed of the number of men I have slept with, and I want to feel like I could tell you without anyone judging. However, I am not ready to. Just know that it was the right amount. Sure there were some mistakes in there, but I learnt from them, mostly, well after the second or third time. Yes, I got exposed to STI’s but that wasn’t my punishment for having too much sex, just as catching a cold isn’t my punishment for walking around outside too often. I had some great times, some good laughs, and yes, maybe a few tears, either way, it is the right number for me, whatever it actually is.

It is not the numbers, but the intent. If you are having an enjoyable time, respecting yourself and others, then the numbers don’t mean a thing, either way. 

I’m at a different life stage right now and I am happily participating in a monogamous relationship but part of why I am so content is that I have truly experienced a lot of what there is to experience, I am not curious about greener grass. My partner is an excellent lover, and I know this for a fact, I have done my research.

84 Member Comments

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  1. locksmith22

    More than a month ago
    An extremely well constructed article which through sheer, "staring you in the face" logic makes absolute sense irrespective of gender. I wish this sort of commentary was available when I was much younger, struggling against the constraints of social judgement and sexual taboos.
    Well done Emma - I like your style...... keep up the good work.
  2. gtkxxx

    More than a month ago
    I have had sex with less than 10 people but my ex multiple times ;) everyone else once or twice these date sites dont seem to work :(
  3. willinged666

    More than a month ago
    well I must be doing some thing wrong coz its not a lot can count on one hand still

    lookn4somthgnew

    More than a month ago
    I'm a one hand man. And proud of it. Looking forward to moving to the second set of fingers though!! None the less it is a who really cares. It is the here and now that matters. It also has always amazed me the contradiction society has. So hypocritical.
  4. downundermumma

    More than a month ago
    Well they do say variety is the spice of life. I had one partner for 22 years and we had what I thought was a great sex life. However, after he was no longer in the picture and ventured in to meeting other men, I have found other men absolutely better in bed than I ever imagined. I have also found worse too. But it all comes down to experiencing something with them. You gain more knowledge about yourself and what turns on the opposite sex too, and with each encounter you get better and better.

    Wowee96

    More than a month ago
    Why count.....just get the knowledge and enjoy the rides...mmmmm
  5. COOLEURO

    More than a month ago
    I don't see what the issue is in regards to how many people you've has sex with .
    As long as your having a good time and not hurting anyone the more the merrier :)
  6. friskypuz

    More than a month ago
    but who really counts them,, ?

    who needs to know? and I'm not done yet...

    EroticTouch2017

    More than a month ago
    Precisely!
  7. cman01

    More than a month ago
    God I was an absolute man whore growing up, I was involved in mindless faceless sex with so many partners it was well into triple digits as well. I wouldnt change a thing at all, it was wonderful and I would never ever deny anyone their right to explore their sexuality.
  8. whycoffee

    More than a month ago
    I couldn't care how many someone has been with its not indicative of anything. If a 45 year old woman started sex at 18 and was unlucky enough to met 1 guy a year and he only slept with her once, that would make 27 men is that to many or not I ask the good people of AMM. It shouldn't define her in any way.
  9. Onemorechance16

    More than a month ago
    I was a Virgin 7 months ago and thanks to this site I'm nearly to double digits. I just wanted sexual experience before/if I ever settle down with someone. I was kind of concerned on my number at first but then I thought stuff it, I want and deserve fun like everyone else and numbers don't even count. Just because I'm a woman, numbers shouldn't define me.
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    They don't mate...never have: that's a male social construct that's slightly holding you back. So hit it sister...life's short and every knows you need skin to be in the game :))
  10. Mr.Xander

    More than a month ago
    I hate that garbage attitude from men... If my partner has had sex with 1, 10, 100, or 1000 men or any other number, then I don't care because she is currently have sex with me and that's all that counts. I don't expect her to take issue with my number though either, which I know exactly and am happy to discuss. Why should it be a problem?

    Surpriseme54

    More than a month ago
    Well expressed. It's who you're with now that's important.
  11. hottcock

    More than a month ago
    Up until 3 years ago only really about 4.
    But being on this site and couple of naughty Facebook groups as well attending some nude events I increased that 10 fold in the last 3 years. Once again if could have been more but being involved with the lifestyle you get to meet and enjoy the company of like minded people.
  12. hotwife012

    More than a month ago
    You wouldn't believe me if i told you

    olderguy666

    More than a month ago
    Oh I may just believe you...Davey
  13. NLindsayfan

    More than a month ago
    I have no idea, but like you, Emma, it is way up in the triple digits and so what? I have never asked any of my lovers to tally up her conquests - or surrenders - it's none of my business. Besides, experience is a wonderful, educational thing. And I still adore them all.
  14. Mickford

    More than a month ago
    I don;t think it should matter, as long as you aren't hurting anyone go for what you want.
  15. hotsexplease351

    More than a month ago
    I have sex with 2 in my 62 years ,this is why i am trying this site my now wife for 45 years an to say i do not know what to do ?

  16. Loonz69

    More than a month ago
    When i first joined dating sites after my separation from my now ex hubby, my experience had been 2 men in my then, 42 years..
    I started the whole chat thing... and some guys laughed and said awww bless... Many, well, ya know... wanted to help me increase my belt notches, so to speak.
    I chatted to a few guys regularly... and had met a few and "got my freak on". I think after having been "sheltered" for so long... once i got to 5, i felt like a slut!!! (old school upbringing, bla bla) One of my regular chatters laughed and said, hunny, enjoy, and when you get to 20, lemme know how you feel!!
    Of course, I was like :O "Whuuuuut"?
    The more I ventured into it, the less of a "slut" I felt... I felt empowered by my experiences...I finally felt that I had come into my own as a sexual being. Of course, there were the good and the bad, but they were my choices and I took responsibility for them and learned Ohhh so much...about myself... about sex...about what I liked and didn't like.
    I also learned a lot from the attitudes of people in regards to the term slut. Of course, there are men who love to say "OMG, you dirty little slut" with a grin a wink and a hmmmm, lets get it on and those who are "OMG, you dirty slut, with a frown and sudden perch on a soap box of judgement. I'm secure enough to say that only I can judge myself... and sometimes I have...and still do... so screw them!
    But I respect myself too. I feel like one powerful, sexy little bitch!!!

    At the end of the day, I know that the choice is mine and mine alone... I've racked up some numbers, (which I won't disclose) and now find myself looking for something more permanent.
    To each their own and if you ask the question "how many"... be prepared for the answer you seek. Accept or just walk away...
    Simples really.

    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    wow , you write so beautifully Miss Loonz! I don't mean this in a twisted sense but partners are like cars . When you have one for a long time and finally it is time to update , you tend not to rush into another long term commitment . You look around , see what is available , have a few test drives and then see what you want to do from there .

    trusted8

    More than a month ago
    I think even though you may have been co-erstedby by others initially into challenging yourself to increase the number of sexual partners, you obviously have enjoyed the ride (so to speak) and good on you for gaining that experience to make those important next steps into the future. Those who are lucky enough to be with you hopefully compliment your life. Xxx

    Loonz69

    More than a month ago
    Thank you guys.
    :)
    Appreciate your comments

    xxx
  17. plasticmonkey

    More than a month ago
    when I turned 18 back in 1988 I went out and bought a carton of kb lager beer and put it in the fridge . I said to myself "right , every time I have a sexual encounter , I shall celebrate the occasion by consuming one bottle of beer" . Hang on a minute........I think there is still 3 and a half six packs in the back of the fridge!!
  18. acwotam

    More than a month ago
    Hmmmm.......... does it still count if you had to pay them??

    SassySandy

    More than a month ago
    HELLOOOOOO!!!! You've just proved my point!!! Dumb or DUMBER!!!!!!! didn't u understand the question......OOOOOOO..whatever!!!!!!!!

    Toby1975

    More than a month ago
    Absolutely not.
  19. Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    I really cannot believe that this is an issue for anyone! Having gone through the "swinging 60's", when the pill was readily available and STDs were almost unheard-of, I had PLENTY of partners and never thought to ask any of them how many they had fucked.

    sincere61

    More than a month ago
    Well said Leolady.. I think it's a totally irrelevant question and would frown upon anyone that looked down on a girl or guy based on how many people they've explored their sexuality with over their lifetime, regardless of what age they might be..

    How I've led my life defines who I am today. People will either like me for who I am, or not - I've no problem with that. So if you like the person you're with, then what is the relevance to how many partners they've slept with before you met them? None!

    Some folks are just hypocrites. Sexuality is a large part of makes us human. If someone needs to ask that question and then tries to judge you about the answer, then they're not worth your time in my opinion. Personally, asking such a question has never even crossed my mind. As I said, I think it's irrelevant.
  20. SassySandy

    More than a month ago
    HONESTLY!!!!!! NOT BRAGGING!!!! it's just fact!!!!! Not counting....as it runs into the thousands.......luckily I get to choose the ones I want and DON'T want.......probably would be in the MILLIONS if I chose them all HAHA!!!! For now just enjoying the ones who tickle my fancy for hopefully many more years to come. ENJOY!!!! while the going is good hehe.

    SassySandy

    More than a month ago
    I'm just a voluptuous woman lucky to be blessed with a high sex drive, if I was a so called "whore" for the men who DON'T approve!!!! tough titties hehe!!!! I would be a VERY rich woman today!!!! BUT I'M NOT!!!!! so why not enjoy myself with the body and sex appeal I was gifted as we ONLY live once.....so all u boring men....GO GET A LIFE!!!!!!

    JohnScots

    More than a month ago
    Well good on you SassySandy. Keep doing it while ever you enjoy it. A lot of very lucky guys out there and you get to use your talents and enjoy it too!
  21. pebbleb

    More than a month ago
    As a gay bottom guy from the sixties I was asked this question about 5 years ago and it got me thinking so I wrote down the details of all my encounters and most from this site for 12 months 43 different guys many multiple times so say 55 years x43 = 2365 going on what I was like in Sydney in my teens at the back of central station "The Wall to you who know " the figure is probably about right and 3 girls is my total with women
  22. Sparky02

    More than a month ago
    Who cares really. It could be 1 or 1000 as long as the person has no regrets about how many then who really cares.
  23. orangeman555

    More than a month ago
    hey I have to say that I do not care how many men (or women for that matter) my partner has slept with. Especially as I got into the swinging scene with a bi-partner we both racked up a lot of sexual partners. I absolutely love being with a woman who fulfils her fantasies. If that means I am just there to support her then great.

    Recently I was talking with a woman I met on AMM about this.She had a man asking her not to fuck around despite the fact he really was not available other than occasionally. Men need to get over this "possessive" behaviour and realize we are all truly equal. And Yes women get to pick and choose on their own terms.
  24. QLDTwo4fun

    More than a month ago
    One is too many if they didn't want it. But who cares how many as long as the were all consenting adults and hopefully had a good time.

    JohnScots

    More than a month ago
    Good on you. Isn't what this site is really all about? Consenting adults enjoying each other, giving pleasure and receiving it too.
  25. Dexter0007

    More than a month ago
    Well younger years plenty say around 120 lol but who's counting ME ??????
  26. Toby1975

    More than a month ago
    It seems these articles/blogs usually focus on high numbers. And people judging others or defending their own tally. But what about the other side of the fence. How many is too few? Can great sex with just one person ever be better than a lifetime of variety even if most of them were forgettable.
    What do you think about those whose number is 1 or 2. And talking about people over say 40 years old, not millennials.
  27. Michelle112

    More than a month ago
    Great article. I'm up there too but who really cares? I love playing. I don't intentionally hurt anyone and almost always have a good time. It's about being alive and enjoying our life. Can't have fun when we're dead
  28. Connecting.Rod

    More than a month ago
    Should I say maybe about 100?? No, perhaps I had better not.
  29. nauticol

    More than a month ago
    I was seduced by a couple of 15yo sisters when I was 12 in the sand hills of Burrill Lakes, south coast NSW and continued each xmas holidays for a few years. The experience for me opened up a whole new world for me and gave me the pleasure, most of the time, to have quite a number of lovers over the years. How many? I wouldn't have any idea, and the thing was with me anyway, that it was me and each ladies business and nobody else's regardless.
    I can really relate to the song "To all the girls I've loved before", I am glad they came through my door, so numbers are irrelevant, to me it is the memory of the experience.
    hotemp

    "

  30. BabygalAphrodit

    More than a month ago
    No need to be rude tallguy1965. What's wrong with keeping count? Absolutely nothing. It doesn't hurt anyone. It's not self centered at all. It's fun and exciting and thrilling!

    Mskitty16 - most of mine were over the last 4yrs too!

    Mskitty16

    More than a month ago
    Nice one!!
  31. miguel45bttm

    More than a month ago
    more than 100, less than 1,000
  32. Peachapple16

    More than a month ago
    Good heavens, I'm so envious - wish I'd slept with a triple digit number of men! If I only had the looks and the freedom I'd have a different man every night of the week. Who wants boring sex and stale, repetitive monogamy?

    Mskitty16

    More than a month ago
    I don't have a great body, wouldn't say I'm not attractive though. It's all about confidence in yourself. Some weeks I have had a different guy every night, sometimes more than one!!!

    Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    That's a lot of information that I wouldn't share :), sleeping with tons of men isn't something to brag about :(

    trusted8

    More than a month ago
    Miss Peachapple.... as long as you enjoy those which you experience, its nothing to do with numbers..but it does conjure up those lovely thoughts that you are a very willing participant and I'm sure after those who read this, the available guys will be offering their services to you and you may need to employ a secretary to manage your incoming messages.
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    Mskitty16 - Don't listen to the judgmental people on here. Its a public forum with your identity hidden, so share away. In this day and age, you'd think the witch hunt for openly sexual liberated women to be over, but its not, not even on a sex site! Its always the jealous woman putting down other women!

    Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    Definitely not jealous just don't think it's necessary to tell anyone the number. It's as tacky as the ' validation ' system on here :(

    AMM.Editor

    More than a month ago
    @Melody2973 the "Validation" system is to prove that the person behind the profile is genuine and real, it's not a "9 out of 10 'cos she gave me a terrific blowjob". If you don't think it's a good idea then don't use it but it's a feature we're proud of adding as it's yet another way for our members to weed out the fakes.
  33. Mskitty16

    More than a month ago
    I'm in triple digits too and most of them have been in the last three years! I say enjoy yourself whilst you can :)

    Leolady727

    More than a month ago
    Mskitty - you are an inspiration :-).
  34. tallguy1965

    More than a month ago
    Omg why would anyone ask that question and why(unless you where 18 even think about keeping a tab?
    Sounds very self centred even bring the question up let alone been able the answer it if you are an older person

    Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    Keeping count is tacky I think :(
  35. NaghtyBartender

    More than a month ago
    proud being a whore....at least 50 men and women :)
  36. HORNYSYDMAN

    More than a month ago
    Lost count lol who cares anyway just enjoy it while you can we only live once
  37. PeteyBoy05

    More than a month ago
    only about 3.
    its the way this world is going.
    people are always playing with their phones and
    ipads they dont want to date anymore.
    i cant get any females to talk to me.
    its a sad world.
  38. cbdlivin

    More than a month ago
    I find its better not to discuss, or I usually quote lower number as once when I worked it out in round numbers people give me funny looks, but in the end I have just had a really active and fun life....personally I do not care how many people a partner has slept with though if really low I know to go slowly, no use frightening them :-)
  39. frustration.

    More than a month ago
    ha ha i must be close to one of a kind ...less than 5 ....
  40. RubyCheeks

    More than a month ago
    Thank You Emma
    Wonderful article about busting stereotypes. No matter the number, each experience offers something to our life, be it good or bad. Gone are the days of virginity till marriage(there are exceptions) and these experiences can enrich relationships. However one thing that still gets lost in sex, is how important open communication is. Articles such as yours start opening thought and therefore communication.
  41. BabygalAphrodit

    More than a month ago
    I'm proud of my triple digit number!

    frustration.

    More than a month ago
    nice if i was in that count...
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    Any likelihood to converting it into a 4 digit figure.
  42. Fitbit73

    More than a month ago
    Im sick of all these stereotypes, Its no ones buisness how many people women sleep with. I for one love mature older women; part of the reson is because i feel they have more experience both mentially and sexually.. So i dont understand the Double edged sword ;Dalmed if you do Dalmed if you dont; stuff that, bring on the love i say??
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    Damn Boy!! Damn! ;)

    Fitbit73

    More than a month ago
    Summer you understand what I mean
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    I do:
    a) Want to marry you
    b) Want to fuck you
    or
    c) Understand what you mean
    :)
  43. Melody2973

    More than a month ago
    Really not anyone's business is it ?? :))
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    i am proud of my triple digit number
  44. trusted8

    More than a month ago
    For some, its a conquest to total the numbers. For others, its just a matter of circumstances that lead to one being with several different partners, generally over a long period of time. Its not for anyone to judge another and only for one to judge themselves, if needed. For myself, its been the exploration,understanding and experience shared in the journey and interestingly enough, about how diverse I have been with different partners. In all cases, a fun time. Thank you Emma for provoking this topic.
  45. allinmymind

    More than a month ago
    I was waiting for the definition of "slept with" to help us count lol

    bendigoman2

    More than a month ago
    Lol mmm yeah well there hasn't been a lot of sleep in my previous encounters either, but lots of fun tho.
  46. Sweetangelic3

    More than a month ago
    I agree the numbers are irrelevant, playing is playing and the experience is all about the moment. I am in triple digits also and enjoy the openess of others the same.. So long as i get checked regularly for STI's (every 3 months) regardless of female/male partners, i will continue to enjoy. Fantastic article
  47. Intimit1

    More than a month ago
    Quite agree Emma. If my partner has had more partners than I, so what? She chooses to be with me & I choose to be with her. I've found that my female partners are more interested in the number than I am. One, like you, has kept a diary & a star system to rate the sex. I've never asked where I sat on her scale as it is irrelevant to how we interact as a couple or enjoy each other sexually. And we do!
  48. Uniqueguyhere

    More than a month ago
    I think it's very sad that some people judge you on how many partners you have had. Especially when you have already had wonderful experiences with them. I started younger than most and every partner was special.
    I honestly can't remember all the names of the women I have snuggled up with but it's around the 200 mark. It's important to accept people for who they are and not what they are. At the end of the day we all want to be treated with respect and be happy. Stay safe and have fun everyone :-)

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