How to be a great lover

People often say you can tell how good someone will be in bed by watching them dance, but I think that's a load of shit.

Firstly I'm a terrible dancer but I’m a damn good root, and secondly (and more importantly) good sex is far more than just knowing what to do with your body and its appendages. And anyone telling you differently probably doesn’t have much more than a nice body to put on their sex CV. Great sex is about how you act and present yourself. It's about your confidence and your attitude. It's about how you interact with people. And it's about you.

You could have the best looking dick or the perkiest boobs on the planet, and you may have taken jazz tap since you were six... But that doesn't matter at all. If you're a bit of a shit person, you're probably a bit of a shit lay, and as someone who spent a great chunk of their life getting paid to do the sex thing, I can say all of this from a place of great experience and knowledge. 

Embrace Empathy

Empathy is so fucking sexy I can’t even explain... But obviously I'll try...

Stepping into your partner's shoes and showing them you care, understand, and value their emotions is literally sex crack. Listen actively, empathise with their feelings, and be present in the moment. Don't try and "fix" things or bring solutions, just understand (or give the impression you understand) their world, and let them know you've got their back, no matter what. Their shit may be trivial or dumb shit to you, but to them it's everything. Your job as a partner is to support their shit like you want them to support yours.

Cool Communication

Communication is key. Talk openly, listen attentively, and be a beacon of support. Share your thoughts and feelings, ask about theirs, and foster a connection that goes beyond words. Communication is the ultimate form of intimacy and if you can share those moments in their life - the good, the bad, and the downright depressing or ugly - you're far more likely to enjoy and share the other, sexier and intimate moments, and allow them to grow into something beautiful and special.

Respect is Sexy

Respect isn't just a buzzword or song by Aretha Franklin. It's the secret ingredient in really great sex. Appreciate and embrace your partner's quirks, kinks, -isms and out-takes. Honor their boundaries and respect their rights. Sing their praises. Celebrate their wins. Be their biggest cheerleader and their fiercest supporter. Buy pompoms. Make a chant! Hire a stadium! Okay... maybe going a little overboard but for real. Be your partner's champion. They'll be ripping your jeans off the minute the siren blows.

Intimacy Beyond Nakedness

Intimacy is far more than sex. In fact it's better than sex. Sex is just naked bodies, intimacy is naked minds. Raw and real. Connected and connections. Get cozy in the cozy stuff. Get comfortable in the uncomfortable. Build closeness through shared experiences, vulnerable conversations, and quiet moments. Share stories of great loves, secret shames, and terrible losses. Get real with each other. Open wounds and stitch them closed together. Create a safe space where both of you can be your unfiltered selves and just watch how close you become.

Never Stop Having Fun

Love should be a wild adventure of fun, frivolity, friendship and fucking.

Be open to growth and change, and have fun along the way. Find things that make you giggle like children. Learn something new together. Step out of your comfort zone and experience life together. Take a circus skills workshop. Go axe throwing. Learn how to cook Cantonese food. Do something new and different and aside from the things you usually do together.  See each other in a new, fun, and silly light, and always remember that sex is only half the story.

What really matters is that you and your partner are having the best damn time together, and that in itself is just as sexy as the best sex can be.