A DIY Guide to 50 Shades of Grey

by Mistress Jane - 11 February 2015 - 23 Comments

The book sold over 100 million copies. The film is possibly the most hotly anticipated new release in recent history. What is it about 50 Shades of Grey that gets us all so hot under the (leather studded) collar? Surely 50 Shades can’t be that far removed from every other sexy romance novel on the bookshelves – because let’s face it – that’s really all it is - a Kinky Mills & Boon.

Apparently not. 50 Shades incorporates a number of kinky elements that would generally fall under the heading of BDSM (that’s Bondage & Discipline / Dominations & Submission and Sado-Masochism for the uninitiated) - and at a point in time when the world is now ready to incorporate a little more creativity and play, excitement and sensuality into their sex – all areas that BDSM serves very well. In fact in a recent survey of over 7,600 Australians by Adult Match Maker 60% of Aussies revealed that they like a bit of kink in the bedroom.

If you’ve read the book or booked your seats for opening night, you may also be wondering how to bring a few shades of grey back home. This is where I come in. I teach beginner BDSM tricks and techniques, as well as the theory and safety to women who are ready to start exploring this exciting sensual world. But I won’t be showing you how to submit and let your partner dominate you – Oh no no no… I teach women how to flick to switch - so to speak – and take back the control.

Not that there is anything wrong with either role – and as I explain to many a student – many of us have the ability to enjoy both Dominant and submissive roles – and “switch” as the term suggests. But from browsing on line and reading messages and profiles here on Adult Match Maker – it seems more and more women think that submission is their only option, and more and more men are assuming that the majority of the female population are looking for their own Mr. Grey.

One of the most common questions I am asked is “How do I get my partner turned on to the idea – how do I bring it up and get him involved”. My answer is the same for anyone wanting to try something new but a little nervous or afraid of what the response will be - and that is “Bring in a friend”. Now don’t get carried away - I don’t mean actually bring in a third person ! No – broach the subject a little like this…

You: Oh I ran into Jenny from down the road today – you know – the one who just got married? Yeah – they just got back from their honeymoon – oh my goodness you should have heard some of the stories she was telling me! I never knew but apparently she’s into a bit of bondage – she was telling me how she almost couldn’t untie Rob from the hotel bed!

(You might get a polite chuckle at this stage from your man – gauge his interest at this point and if you think its there – push on)

You: Have you ever tried anything like that before? You know – been tied up? I was thinking maybe I wouldn’t mind seeing what it’s like…

Can you see where I am going with this audience? This is why this tactic is what I like to call “bring in a friend”.

And of course then we have you gorgeous singles. If you are hoping to find a new partner whose kinks play well with yours there are a number of things to look out for when looking for new playmates on Adult Match Maker. The BDSM community believe strongly in their three guiding principles - SAFE, SANE & CONSENSUAL, so bearing that in mind:

  • Be WARY of any messages you receive from people who straight off the bat launch into a description of all they want to do to you. Just like the book's title character, Mr Grey, these people have no regard for gaining your consent and involving themselves in any prior discussions around your limits, your desires, safe words and so on – which are an absolute must when experimenting with any BDSM play.
  • Be AWARE that many people who are regular participants in these activities also do so with a number of other partners. Non-monogamy and polyamory are both quite common within the BDSM community because of the fact that it is very rare to find the one partner who shares all of your kinks. Couples within the BDSM community will often have additional play partners to satisfy their different interests.
  • Be OPEN to all of the exciting possibilities and experiences that you are about to explore! BDSM at its core is playing with Sensation and playing with Power – this can be done as gentle and sensuously as you like – and when you find something you like, hell yeah! Take it to your limit, breach your comfort zone and never look back.


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  1. MistressJane

    More than a month ago
    Of course I totally agree with many of the member comments regarding 50 Shades of Grey. It is a poor representation of what BDSM is about , with scant regard for the "safe, sane and consensual" pillars that the rest of us practise by...

    Saying that though .. I am grateful for the conversations it has opened up, for the exposure it created, and so I happily make reference to it and welcome the new audience that it has brought to all things kink - before I firmly but gently show them the way AWAY from the 50 shades version that they might think this is all about ;)
  2. us24u

    More than a month ago
    Thank god for the kinks in life...
  3. kinkster88

    More than a month ago
    "Non-monogamy and polyamory are both quite common within the BDSM community because of the fact that it is very rare to find the one partner who shares all of your kinks."
    That may be one reason why people practice polyamory but it most certainly is not the main reason for many people. It may not be just about kinks but rather about a variation in personality and even available time. I simply don't see the point in monogamy and like to be free with who I want to play with. If I happen to come across someone I want to play with I don't need a man/woman telling me I am theirs and I can't do it. Polyamory is great but not being able to find one person who shares all of my kinks is probably at the bottom of the list of why I enjoy polyamory. Perhaps you should do a bit more research before commenting on why people are polyamorous. You don't speak for me.

    It would also be nice if you more openly and obviously pointed out how 50 shades of grey is not BDSM; as it was not safe, sane and consensual. It would be nice if people could talk about BDSM without bringing a book into the equation that is not BDSM just because it is well known and bound to get people's attention (no pun intended).
  4. Jaysextypething

    More than a month ago
    Im definitely into the kink
    Account Closed

    Account Closed

    More than a month ago
    Hmmm it's so good I wish I had discovered it years ago
  5. Noswapjustwatch

    More than a month ago
    Changed our sex life & made it very spicy !
  6. Letsenjoymore

    More than a month ago
    i went to see the movie 50 shades and i was more surprised that the cinema had about 3 guys and at least 200 women, i didnt think much of the movie it wasnt what i expected and i wonder what the women were expecting to see, but im not surprised that many women were there, i think men have alot to learn about sex, and there are many unsatisfied women out there looking for excitement. men its time to change or you be left behind.
  7. zedsummer14

    More than a month ago
    Well summed up que5tor and xanderking. The movie does not profess to be a healthy version of bdsm .. My first reaction was it was a poor movie on several counts but mostly abuse and speed by which it was expected she sign some contract which is more akin to a slave than a submissive .
    However, after some thought I realised the movie never needed to portray a healthy outcome and so it is what it is ,another story .
  8. Que5tor

    More than a month ago
    This '50 Shades' thing reminds me of the 'Da Vinci Code' thing. A book that 'everyone is reading', now there is a movie. Much controversy stirred up. Purists are upset and annoyed, outsiders are a little confused about why there is such a fuss about it, and mildly annoyed at being dismissed by the purists, and that neither the book or movie was anything to write home about.

    It will be talked about for a while, then mostly forgotten.

    There will be at least a small number of people who look into this BDSM thing who would not have done so otherwise, both the intelligent and the stupid.

    When the next book / movie / controversy comes out, I will look back and see how it has changed / evolved.
  9. SwingersBandB

    More than a month ago
    Well put Windslider... it's hard not to get on the 'soapbox' and go crazy about this rubbish on so many levels. You right about conservatives... it's been especially popular in the US... do I need to say more....
  10. windslider

    More than a month ago
    I struggled through half of the first book astounded by the pure literary rubbish seconded only by a close second in the BDSM department, I am amazed by the popularity, there must be a hell of a lot of repressed conservatives floating about, probably turn out to do its job though, open up some people to more creative sexual adventurers.
  11. wetnhardwest

    More than a month ago
    I went (mrs west)and saw the movie after reading only half the first book i loved it ! the mystery surrounding bdsm is very exciting i might have to get hubbies ties out now lol
  12. kinkster88

    More than a month ago
    Deemed worst movie of all time yet all the chicks want to see it. I don't want to live on this planet anymore :|
  13. hotguyyes

    More than a month ago
    The Secretary starring James Spader is a much better film :)
  14. Iween1

    More than a month ago
    Greys is indeed a Mills and Boon soft intro of BDSM, and I feel the movie is very tame indeed. It is the portrayed relationship that can appeal; many everyday women aren't given the sexual attention they deserve.

    Perhaps I'm more 'open' in my sexuality as I've explored a lot but i had hoped the film would titilate toward something more kinky. But no. The film hasn't done that for me. I have however added Gliding - a plane - to my written bucket list!
  15. Mstr.Full

    More than a month ago
    It is wonderful that this romance novel has stimulated interest in BDSM... but sadly it is a pale imitation of the real thing... BTW what is the real thing... It is sooo diverse. As you rightly said... not everyone shares the same kinks... and just like vanilla matches, BDSM matches take work care, trust and openness to make them work.
  16. SwingersBandB

    More than a month ago
    The good thing about this book(s) is that bdsm is finally now out in the open and 'legitmised', which is about time... There are so many bad aspects of this book, it would take another book to critique it. Let's just say its about the worst written book I have ever read... and that's saying a lot. It is bdsm Mills and Boon... 50 shades of boring and fantasy crap. I do not know anyone and I mean anyone in the bdsm lifestyle who has anything but derision for it... but as the saying goes, you will never go broke underestimating the good taste of the public.
  17. ginjunkie

    More than a month ago
    Good article Mistress Jane, but your first dot point claims Mr Grey has no regard for consent. In the book, this isn't true. (according to my memory.) Here's to everyone being safe, sane and consensual. And to no use of zip ties! Ever!


    More than a month ago
    He ignores her safe word, I know that much. I'm sure there are other examples also.
  18. pretttygirl

    More than a month ago
    Safety is so important there are so many guys taking advantages of this shadey grey situation to abuse women (in a bad way). So this article is good in giving points of safety.
  19. pretttygirl

    More than a month ago
    @xanderking I agree. Women are only exploring bdsm in this book just because there is romance involved. IN THE BOOK. In real life it is so much more broad and you can definately become open to hurting yourself depending on how both people approach the situation. I dont hate the book. Just wish women can snap out of their fantasy.. of finding the perfect christian grey through bdsm hahahha ugh
  20. MyMistery

    More than a month ago
    Love the article it has given me advice of what to do and what to say and when to hold back it has given me tips of what to add and what to take out of my profile good 50 shades of grey article Thank You
  21. xanderking

    More than a month ago
    Its great that 50 Shades is opening doors for people sexually but its main theme is emotional abuse. Horrific book.

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