Whether you're a swinger or polyamorous or just identify as “open” in your relationship, you're sure to have come across people who just don't get it, and have to put their two bob in. Being asked questions by your vanilla friends isn't necessarily a bad thing, people are curious by nature and things unfamiliar to them are often a source of interest. But it's often the way these questions are asked, and what's hidden behind them that can be frustrating, and often a little offensive.
Don't Steal My Husband/Wife!
Firstly, your husband/wife is not like a packet of gum that someone can just pick up and squirrel away in their pocket without anyone noticing, they are a person and people are not easy to “steal”. And secondly, people in open relationships believe completely in trust, openness and honesty. The key word being “open”. Stealing your partner does not follow those rules and boundaries and would be completely against everything they stand for.
Don't You Worry About Disease?
Because of the nature of open relationships and the fact that they involve intimacy between more than just one person, people who are in them are usually very, very aware of the health and safety risks that go along with it. Safe sex is always practised and is often a hard rule within the terms of the relationship.
I'd Never Let My Partner Do That
The thing is, it's not about “letting” your partner do anything. It's about both sharing in the relationship benefits and being mutually satisfied with the arrangement. But regardless of that, it's actually irrelevant. If you're not into open relationships then don't have one. It's not rocket science. You not being into it has no bearing on someone else's relationship.
Don't You Get Jealous Or Worry They'll Leave You?
Because communication is such a huge factor in open relationships, the conversations around experiences are usually pretty frequent and frank, and if any worries or concerns are present they're usually discussed and solved pretty quickly. But you also have to remember that the boundaries in their relationships are different than yours. So just like you might be fine with your partner admiring a sexy person across the room but have problems with them kissing someone else, another person has problems with their partner just admiring. Every relationship is different and therefore the jealousy triggers are different in each one.
OMG But What Do You Tell Your Kids?
This question is probably the most laughable, as well as the most offensive, of them all. It is so often asked in horror with this idea of kids being subject to orgies and debauched households of ill repute and it's just offensive. I mean, what do you tell your kids about your sex life?
Do you tell them when you and daddy have a shag? Do you tell them about the ace blowie mum gave you in the shower before work? No, of course you don't. So what makes you think people who have sex with more than one person would be any different? Sex might ruin your bedsheets, but it doesn't ruin your decorum.
You Must Be Really Kinky And Deviant
I suppose that all depends on your definition of kinky and deviant, but no. Enjoying more than one person, either all together or at different times, can definitely be more exciting and erotic than a shag with the person you've always shagged, but at the same time there are monogamous couples out there who engage in super kinky out-there practices that would make your regular threesome or foursome look practically virginal. Sex and sexual enjoyment is all relative. There's always going to be someone kinkier than you, and always someone more vanilla.
Now I Know I Don't Think I Can Come To Your Parties Any More
Firstly, swingers. poly couples or couples in open relationships aren't like cats on heat. They don't have to fuck every person they meet and at every place they go to. It's not like they're sex-powered robots who must shag every hour to sustain life energy. They can do other things. Secondly, it's super presumptuous and a little conceited to think that they even want to fuck you, don't you think? I mean, what makes you so special? And thirdly, and most importantly, your swinger friends know you're vanilla. They know. They know you wouldn't come to, or be comfortable at, a swingers party and they wouldn't want to put you in that position. So be assured that if they DO happen to invite you over for a party, it's just a party. They're not going to ask you to put your keys in a bowl. They're not going to suddenly put on Barry White and set the jacuzzi going. They just want you to come over for a Saturday BBQ and a beer.
If you do happen to be a monogamous person, and you find out a friend is not, it's cool to be curious, and it's fine to ask questions. But just be mindful that even though their sex life is different to yours, it's still their sex life and it's still personal and private and theirs to explain or not as they see fit. And if you're that worried and preoccupied with other people's sex lives... Well, maybe it's not them with the problem.